This body will never be beautifully at rest

I will always have to **** in my stomach to appear graceful
I will always have to lift my chin to slim my jawline
I will always force my collarbones forward
I will always lift my elbows to keep my arms from splaying against my body
I will always push my hips back to have that coveted thigh gap
I will always wear heels to define my calves
I will always cover my skin in paint and color
I will always force my hair to lay sweetly covering parts of my face
I will always cover the scars I gave myself trying to be beautiful
I will always
I will always
I will always

I will never be at rest.

Hand and hand we walked from a Pittsburgh Penguins hockey game
A place neither of us thought we'd be together
Down the streets of the city I held your hand the way that I always do–
A step behind you
my left in your right,
my right on your bicep,
and my head on your shoulder.

We walked into the hotel and up to the room.
I laid down in your arms
and we slept.
Even in your sleep,
you brought my body back to yours
every time I drifted away.

The next night I laid in your arms laughing
We tangled ourselves in the sheets

And at the end of it all she laid on the cold, harsh ground, and she closed her eyes. They emerged from the fog, that heavy, opaque, suffocating darkness.
One by one the angels and goddesses came to her side.
Her exhausted temple rattled with each primal scream. They allowed their strength to flow in to her. The pulses of their hearts lit the rivers of fire with a golden glow.
For the first time. In all of her pain. In all of her solitude. In all of her numbness.
She opened her eyes and the warmth pierced her mind. She felt the pulse of strength and her bones pounded in sync. She heard their affirmations, and she started to believe them.

I wake up in your arms.
It feels like the first time all over again—
bathed in the gentle, golden light of the morning
my sleepy eyes open to see your gentle gaze.
We say good morning like we have a thousand times,
and you kiss me.
Kind and gentle, you bring me out of my dreams.

The soft cry from the other room
calls us to our baby girl
You go to bring her back to us,
but before you give me a kiss
and that unbelievable smile.
That smile
that makes me swoon like we are eighteen again.

You lay her down in our arms
the birds chirping through the windows.

For a moment I close my eyes,
I remember when we were eighteen
laying in bed
in room 1507 of the Fairmont Pittsburgh.
I was straddling your lap begging you to tell me about the dream you had.
You rolled your eyes and told me it'd scare me,
but I said do it anyways.
You told me that we were in Cape Cod
Wandering the streets.
Just you and me,
and our baby girl.
I laughed it off and pretended to be stunned
but deep in my chest,
in the silence of my heart,
it felt right.

When I open my eyes again,
I expect it to all be just a figment of my imagination.
But it's not,
you
and our little girl
are right there in front of me.
You're waiting for me to return to you,
and when you see I'm back.
You give me that smile.
One more time.

And I am home.

it is 12:04

if you love me you will shred me, rip me apart
you will eat me alive
i am willing
if it means feeling weightless

I was laying in bed watching you move about the kitchen
We’d been apart so long
I didn’t even stop to think before I was on my feet and had my arms around you
My chin resting on your shoulder
Your sweet laugh brought a flutter to my heart as you asked if all the way across the room was really just too far
The pasta finished cooking and you left it in the strainer for an extra moment to sweep me up into your arms and tuck me back into bed
You saw the exhaustion in my eyes and knew what I needed even as I ignored it
You went back to the kitchen and as you returned to bed you pulled me back to rest against you.
We laid in bed and you told me to talk. Talk about anything I had felt while we’d been apart.
When I spoke of darkness, you kissed my forehead and reminded me you were there
When I spoke of light you shared in the memory
But regardless, with each new thought, you put a cold, plain noodle in my mouth.
I don’t know if it was actually that good
But from this moment forward
It’ll always be what I crave when I need you.

As I ran from the gentle eyes
I could feel my feet
inside my shoes
pounding the pavement.

Finally,
I felt my body leaving a space,
triggered by fear,
betrayal,
and discomfort.

My emotions were devastated
but my body felt.

My lungs burned
as I sprinted
up, up the stairs
higher, always higher.

I sat in the staircase to the attic
Hearing the buzzing sign

But I couldn't find the hallway
I couldn't find the hallway that we sat in
It was like it was a memory
that only existed with you.

A little girl stands in the mirror.
She sings sweet nothings as she winds  mild-long daisy chains through her wild hair
Her laugh is sweet and innocent
She is bathed in the gentle light of day

The mirror shattered.

The girl is a decade older
She no longer sings
She weeps
Silently, it seems, but listen
closely
and you might hear
the screams
trapped
in her lungs
She appears to be soft
Exhausted by her sorrow
Get closer and you see her rest is a façade
The girl is contemplating the cold metal clenched in her fist
and it all becomes clear.

The mirror shattered

A response to her invisible power
The has painted no red
She lays in razor blades and shards of glass
But she
is
in
tact.

Tonight my I will pretend that my soul is not asleep on a beach in Zanzibar tonight.

As fiercely as I try to be present
I always seem to find my mind absent
but I never fail to find it
directly beside you.

Across the world,
I feel the red string tied around my pinky finger
pulsing with our unified heartbeat
gently trying to guide me back to you.

It is with a sort of despair that my tired body collapses once again into an empty bed
I hold the pillows I've surrounded myself with just a little bit tighter
knowing that across the world, when you fell asleep your last thoughts were of me

You are burned into my skin
With every brush on the shoulder from another
My mind freefalls into the comfort I know your comfort to be.
Always,
moments flow back into my mind of the warmth of your arms
your finger trailing down my spine
your hands wrapping my body around yours.

On our last day together,
you thought I was still asleep,
you wrapped one arm gently around me,
cradling me into your chest,
I could hear your heartbeat,
strong and steady,
and your other fingers traced the lines and curves of my body,
whispering sweet nothings into my hair,
finding peace with your body next to mine.
When I finally opened my eyes,
I woke in the way that leaves a glow in my chest for the rest of the day.
Your sweet smile bringing me back to earth,
your gentle 'good morning my love' bringing my smile to my sleepy eyes.

I am waiting.
You are working.
So my mind begins running.

why was I waiting? I never used to wait for anyone
I could convince gravity to let me go if i needed to
but, even in my desperate exhaustion,
I am sitting here,
pretending to work,
and waiting for you.

Maybe,
it is the way, when my being is floating ten feet above my body
and I cannot seem to be physically the world,
your arms pull me back down.
Although my body is too weak to hold me,
you bring me back down to you without ripping me out of the sky.

Or maybe,
it is because of the dreams that you have about me.
I don't like rushing,
but, when you tell me you dream of us,
married.
with a little baby girl.
Something in my heart says that when the time is right.
Your arms will be more than an anchor, they will be home.

So that is why I wait.
At first I said I'd leave when it was 10:30 and just go home,
then I said 10:45.
Now it is 11:04,
and I am waiting
because I cannot truly go home,
unless I leave with you.

Inhale, exhale, one.
I can hear the muscles in my heart
They scream in protest
They cannot keep up
They relentlessly fight to keep me alive
She is too fast.

Inhale, exhale, two.
I can hear the fibers of my throat
Begging for more oxygen
But it will not reach them
They will not live.

Inhale, exhale, three.
My eyes try to focus
Try to collect the blur
Trying to see the world as it is.

Inhale, exhale, four.
My nerves refuse to connect to life
They will not hold their vital current.

Inhale, exhale, five.
Restore.