You left me with blank pages.
You left with the ripped pages.
Blank pages, you left me with blank pages.
A clean slate
A new beginning
…without you

I guess you were trying to tell me to not write about you anymore. But how do I do that? When you’re all—you're everywhere, you're everything. You're the bed I sleep in, the mug I drink in, the air I breathe in. Even in the nothingness and numbness you’re there.
So here I lay, thinking what to write.
Thinking if I should even write…
Here I leave these pages blank.

me i am. the me who i never was anymore. no more. no. not since we parted. the me i was, left with you, died with you. me i am, a hollow cage of memories, of journeys of lost.
there are days when the me i was comes in glimpses, in flashes. she cries and laughs, and hurt and bleed and dies. the me i was, hurting, longing, still lost and finding.
the me i am, now hollow, still looking, still lost. now empty, still blue, still nothing, not new. though no longer does she cry. move so moving.
the me i am, maybe is the me i was. maybe is the me i never was anymore. just no you, just lonely and empty. obliviate and blue.

Once I had a friend
    and soulmate,
we were dreamin’
we could fly away
    with the wind;
    but knowing
wings are for angels,
we stood transfixed
  beneath the light
  a sky full of stars


hanging onto a dream      
we clutched so tightly,
      perched high
      on the edge
      of the world,
wondering how far
     and how high
the great wide open
     sky blue skies
           abide


believing the power
  of kept promises ―
you said you’d forever
   catch me if I fall ―
letting go of the fears,
 blindfolded hope
clinched so deeply,
    hanging onto
a wing and a prayer


I guess I wanted it
     far too much
     reaching out
  like a thirsty fool
grasping for a mirage ―
teetering on the brink
    unspoken love,
   a vast unknown
  threshold beyond
          wings


with eyes wide open
throwing caution afar ―
   in a leap of faith
I reached ― out of reach
   into the mystic wind ―
    believing in dreams,
      in destiny's tease:
       I’d learn to fly
         before I hit
        the ground


but now I’m perpetually
          free fallin’
  I see the empty space
   all around me pass
a fleeting lifetime lost ―
   still  you’re nowhere
       to be found ―
    and I remember
what’s been forgotten:

       how far down
  rock bottom befalls
  when your spinning
    round and round
      like dust eddies
        in a fog bank
      lost in the wind                             .

there hasn't been a day
that i don't cry
i just keep on saying
i'm okay
oh it's a lie

my head's filled with thoughts
black and blue
worrying about everything
now that's the truth

the thing now is
i'm afraid
i'm floating with my thoughts
in my brain
think i'm going insane

i haven't slept a week
been having black coffee for a drink
and my room's a mess
adding to my distress
let's face it
my whole life's a mess

and here's the thing
i'm afraid
i'm floating with my thoughts
in my brain
think i'm going insane

9 days into the new year
and I'm already asking God
to take me away
Away from the pain,
the paranoia,
the overthinking
and the deafining silence.
Hypocrite. I'm a hypocrite.
Two updates back
I was stating
my thoughts on death
How I only did not want to die
because of my family...
But now
There's this voice in my head
Saying they'll eventually move on

I'm lost
So lost
No words to put in
No lines to draw
I don't know what I am

I want to disappear
To be gone
To be calm and be at peace

I want my words back
I want to draw
To skate
To laugh
To be free

I don't want to be alone
Yet i don't want to burden anyone
There's no place i could run to
I have no one...

I've forgotten how many times
I've shed tears,
cried rivers
over songs
books
films
that reflects
me and you

word *****: [inspired my audrey turla]

if we think positively, we'd think that  droplets of rain fall down to kiss the ground. we'd think that those monsters under our bed stays to make us safe and sound. but the thing is, i can't. i continue to live with thoughts such as the rain to be the tears of the sky, that the monsters under my bed waits for me to die. if only I think more positively, and not see the glass half empty, then maybe these dreams will be the new part of my reality.