You left me with blank pages.
You left with the ripped pages.
Blank pages, you left me with blank pages.
A clean slate
A new beginning
…without you

I guess you were trying to tell me to not write about you anymore. But how do I do that? When you’re all—you're everywhere, you're everything. You're the bed I sleep in, the mug I drink in, the air I breathe in. Even in the nothingness and numbness you’re there.
So here I lay, thinking what to write.
Thinking if I should even write…
Here I leave these pages blank.

me i am. the me who i never was anymore. no more. no. not since we parted. the me i was, left with you, died with you. me i am, a hollow cage of memories, of journeys of lost.
there are days when the me i was comes in glimpses, in flashes. she cries and laughs, and hurt and bleed and dies. the me i was, hurting, longing, still lost and finding.
the me i am, now hollow, still looking, still lost. now empty, still blue, still nothing, not new. though no longer does she cry. move so moving.
the me i am, maybe is the me i was. maybe is the me i never was anymore. just no you, just lonely and empty. obliviate and blue.

  Mar 31 Elyzabeth Rose
Traveler

Temporarily permanent
This limited eternity
One way or another
We surely won
Some lottery
A chance
To live
To love
To be
Only death
Can set souls free
Free from the spell
Of this existential dream
...

Traveler Tim

there hasn't been a day
that i don't cry
i just keep on saying
i'm okay
oh it's a lie

my head's filled with thoughts
black and blue
worrying about everything
now that's the truth

the thing now is
i'm afraid
i'm floating with my thoughts
in my brain
think i'm going insane

i haven't slept a week
been having black coffee for a drink
and my room's a mess
adding to my distress
let's face it
my whole life's a mess

and here's the thing
i'm afraid
i'm floating with my thoughts
in my brain
think i'm going insane

unfinished...

9 days into the new year
and I'm already asking God
to take me away
Away from the pain,
the paranoia,
the overthinking
and the deafining silence.
Hypocrite. I'm a hypocrite.
Two updates back
I was stating
my thoughts on death
How I only did not want to die
because of my family...
But now
There's this voice in my head
Saying they'll eventually move on

I'm lost
So lost
No words to put in
No lines to draw
I don't know what I am

I want to disappear
To be gone
To be calm and be at peace

I want my words back
I want to draw
To skate
To laugh
To be free

I don't want to be alone
Yet i don't want to burden anyone
There's no place i could run to
I have no one...

Tell yourself that you're fine until it comes true... lie if you have to

my mind's too talkative of things that just feeds my anxiety more and more... alone i feel like drowning, with others i feel suffocated because i feel awkward, then unwanted and out of place. I'm scared of the thoughts running through my brain, wishing for things i shouldn't wish for... the paranoia of whether what people think of me, the over thinking and over analysing of situations... the constant struggle of being present in someone— the constant struggle of having, in my own mind, everyone to like me... the existential crisis of why i am here in the first place, the nagging thought of being worthless and nothing, the confusion of what i really want, the constant battle of figuring who i really am when all i think and feel that i am is a reflection of what people want to see me as and what i want people to see me as. I'm an imposter of someone i want to be but will never be... i want to stop... because the thought of dying and death enters my mind and the only thing stopping me is my family... i'm scared that i don't have friends at all. That you guys are just tolerating me for all my shit and all these ramblings in my head. I'm scared that i'm pushing everyone away when all i need is someone to be there for me but at the same time i dont want to drag anyone in the waters or hold them by the neck to sympathise with me....

but then again, i don't want people to remember me as the sick one

update on my health: my sonomammography was clear, thank you for everyone's message and support, much love!
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