Elyzabeth Rose Jun 2017
You left me with blank pages.
You left with the ripped pages.
Blank pages, you left me with blank pages.
A clean slate
A new beginning
…without you

I guess you were trying to tell me to not write about you anymore. But how do I do that? When you’re all—you're everywhere, you're everything. You're the bed I sleep in, the mug I drink in, the air I breathe in. Even in the nothingness and numbness you’re there.
So here I lay, thinking what to write.
Thinking if I should even write…
Here I leave these pages blank.
Elyzabeth Rose Apr 2017
me i am. the me who i never was anymore. no more. no. not since we parted. the me i was, left with you, died with you. me i am, a hollow cage of memories, of journeys of lost.
there are days when the me i was comes in glimpses, in flashes. she cries and laughs, and hurt and bleed and dies. the me i was, hurting, longing, still lost and finding.
the me i am, now hollow, still looking, still lost. now empty, still blue, still nothing, not new. though no longer does she cry. move so moving.
the me i am, maybe is the me i was. maybe is the me i never was anymore. just no you, just lonely and empty. obliviate and blue.
  Mar 2017 Elyzabeth Rose
Temporarily permanent
This limited eternity
One way or another
We surely won
Some lottery
A chance
To live
To love
To be
Only death
Can set souls free
Free from the spell
Of this existential dream
Traveler Tim
Once I had a friend
    and soulmate,
we were dreamin’
we could fly away
    with the wind;
    but knowing
wings are for angels,
we stood transfixed
  beneath the light
  a sky full of stars

hanging onto a dream      
we clutched so tightly,
      perched high
      on the edge
      of the world,
wondering how far
     and how high
the great wide open
     sky blue skies

believing the power
  of kept promises ―
you said you’d forever
   catch me if I fall ―
letting go of the fears,
 blindfolded hope
clinched so deeply,
    hanging onto
a wing and a prayer

I guess I wanted it
     far too much
     reaching out
  like a thirsty fool
grasping for a mirage ―
teetering on the brink
    unspoken love,
   a vast unknown
  threshold beyond

with eyes wide open
throwing caution afar ―
   in a leap of faith
I reached ― out of reach
   into the mystic wind ―
    believing in dreams,
      in destiny's tease:
       I’d learn to fly
         before I hit
        the ground

but now I’m perpetually
          free fallin’
  I see the empty space
   all around me pass
a fleeting lifetime lost ―
   still  you’re nowhere
       to be found ―
    and I remember
what’s been forgotten:

       how far down
  rock bottom befalls
  when your spinning
    round and round
      like dust eddies
        in a fog bank
      lost in the wind

   words in the wind
March 31st 2017

"And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow"
― Paul Simon
Elyzabeth Rose Jan 2017
there hasn't been a day
that i don't cry
i just keep on saying
i'm okay
oh it's a lie

my head's filled with thoughts
black and blue
worrying about everything
now that's the truth

the thing now is
i'm afraid
i'm floating with my thoughts
in my brain
think i'm going insane

i haven't slept a week
been having black coffee for a drink
and my room's a mess
adding to my distress
let's face it
my whole life's a mess

and here's the thing
i'm afraid
i'm floating with my thoughts
in my brain
think i'm going insane
Elyzabeth Rose Jan 2017
9 days into the new year
and I'm already asking God
to take me away
Away from the pain,
the paranoia,
the overthinking
and the deafining silence.
Hypocrite. I'm a hypocrite.
Two updates back
I was stating
my thoughts on death
How I only did not want to die
because of my family...
But now
There's this voice in my head
Saying they'll eventually move on

I'm lost
So lost
No words to put in
No lines to draw
I don't know what I am

I want to disappear
To be gone
To be calm and be at peace

I want my words back
I want to draw
To skate
To laugh
To be free

I don't want to be alone
Yet i don't want to burden anyone
There's no place i could run to
I have no one...
Tell yourself that you're fine until it comes true... lie if you have to
Elyzabeth Rose Jan 2017
my mind's too talkative of things that just feeds my anxiety more and more... alone i feel like drowning, with others i feel suffocated because i feel awkward, then unwanted and out of place. I'm scared of the thoughts running through my brain, wishing for things i shouldn't wish for... the paranoia of whether what people think of me, the over thinking and over analysing of situations... the constant struggle of being present in someone— the constant struggle of having, in my own mind, everyone to like me... the existential crisis of why i am here in the first place, the nagging thought of being worthless and nothing, the confusion of what i really want, the constant battle of figuring who i really am when all i think and feel that i am is a reflection of what people want to see me as and what i want people to see me as. I'm an imposter of someone i want to be but will never be... i want to stop... because the thought of dying and death enters my mind and the only thing stopping me is my family... i'm scared that i don't have friends at all. That you guys are just tolerating me for all my shit and all these ramblings in my head. I'm scared that i'm pushing everyone away when all i need is someone to be there for me but at the same time i dont want to drag anyone in the waters or hold them by the neck to sympathise with me....

but then again, i don't want people to remember me as the sick one
update on my health: my sonomammography was clear, thank you for everyone's message and support, much love!
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