I write in pencil
so my thoughts remain temporary

Rubbed out
erased
never existed

And I never confronted their concrete weight
as I sweep the rubbery remains of anxiety with my bleeding fingers

Well let me pour
my heavy fears onto a page
and maybe one day
lead will turn to ink

A zip runs from my forehead to my bellybutton

Pull it down
step out
fresh and new and clean

"you ruined me," I say at the sobbing sick-stained fat
thrown on the bathroom floor

For all She's done
you still can't see Her beauty.

Like fireflies, they dance
around my head, teasing,
promising resolution.

I can't catch them,
too quick for my heavy hands.

Movement on my fingertips,
but the light dims just as fast.

Frustration closes my eyes.
Defeat sweeps my mind clean.

...

My eyes snap open,
The light blinding,
and finally,
pen can meet paper.

I wonder if I’ll ever know,
Who I really am.