Right now, life seems to be falling apart -
not the whole of life but the part that made my life whole.

How? How did I let myself fall into this trap, again?
This tangled web of what has already been weaved countless times before?

Many times, I have fallen into the depths of my own thoughts -
some claims true, many untrue.
How do I even know the truth is the truth anymore?
Are they the lies I've been fed that I now accept as the truth?

I find myself once again
in the same fall,
in the same failure,
in the same state of imbalance,
that haunted me last month, the month before, and several times last year.

When will these nightmares end?
When will I have the courage to acknowledge them?
When can I finally allow myself to fall?
to let go,
to get back up,
to trust the process and love again.

"a break" means to be stuck in a limbo
between life and death
uncertain of your place, even in the afterlife

"a break" is like a crumb in the crevice of the keyboard
impossible to dig out,
its lingering presence unable to bear

"a break" is also the in-between
of constant anxiety and the sweet relief of knowing & not knowing what could possibly be next

Yesterday I asked a friend for **** and sought comfort from strangers.
I unintentionally drank (heavily) two days in a row.
I forgot to send an email for work again.
I am having a lot of trouble keeping it together.

hate is a strong word,
so is detest
and so is loathe
they're not emotions to be planted easily

so.... why do I find myself
gathering resentment,
comparing joys and have nots,
planting them in my garden of envy
for someone unworthy of it all?

prying through the screen
bustling through naked assumptions
guilty as charged I am

my mind says do not
you'll find empty abyss
but my heart says go on,
eat the crippling doubt,
you may find the thing you were afraid to be mad about