I eat myself alive
Every thought flying out of reach
Incoherent
My head is spinning
I am drowning.

Do I want to exist?

But then you are there
The thoughts are within my grasp
The spinning coming to an end
Pulling me above the water.

I need to exist.

I am yours

And you are mine.

Inhale.
Feel the smoke slowly fill up your lungs.
Close your eyes as it gets into every nook and cranny.

Imagine it choking you from within.
Gripping you from the inside.
Squeezing, grasping, clutching.

Exhale.
Feel the smoke work its way out.
Open your eyes as it vanishes into thin air.

Repeat.

The fear ignites me down to the bone.
His cackling echoing up the stairs,
Bouncing off every wall.
The fire begins to creep up to our second floor,
Devouring everything in its path.

I wake up, panic dripping out of every pore.
Panic turns into rage.
Ten years, and the past still eats me alive.
What do I have left that you haven't already destroyed?
What do I have left that you haven't already taken?

You call seeking pity and forgiveness, where there is none to be found.
I choke back a sob, knowing they will take you again.

Why did you have to sell your soul?
Why did the demons come knocking for you?
A son, a husband, a father.

You never realize what price you'll have to pay,
To take what the demons have to offer.
Have they lived up to their promises?

The demons have set fire to your soul.
And when you finally realize that,
You will no longer be a son, a husband, or a father.
It will be too late, because the demons have taken over.

15 steps until I hit the front door.
15 steps until I wrap my arms around you.
15 steps until I breathe in the smell of cigarettes and diesel fuel.

Waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of chocolate banana milkshakes being made.
Sitting on the dining room chair with his headphones falling off my head.

15 steps is all it takes to run out the front door, just the clothes on our back.
15 steps trembling in fear.
15 steps of my heart beating out of my chest.

Waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of screams.
Sitting in the passenger seat of the SUV, not knowing who's house we would be sleeping at that night.

The many years of sleepless nights and tears.
The many years of broken promises and nightmares.
But I will always remember those 15 steps of excitement, hope, chaos and terror.

Maybe one day you will remember late night milkshakes.
Maybe one day you will remember not knowing where your family was on those nights.

Maybe one day, you will remember how to be a Dad.