for the last time you reached out for me, so I caved in and held your hand; even though I could still feel the warmth from somebody else’s grasp, I convinced myself that this time actually might last.



i was mistaken.

It’s 8am, I’ve slept for about three hours and I’m awake for absolutely no reason, my heart is heavy.

It’s 10am, I fell back to sleep an hour ago and I just woke up. I’m checking my phone in hopes of something special but there’s nothing there.

It’s 11am, I’m getting in the shower and getting ready to go do something before I have to go to work.

It’s 1pm and I’m out venturing with a friend, pretending to enjoy myself but they can tell that I’m not feeling my best. I’m fine.

4pm rolls around and I’m going to work a ****** job with a bunch of people I can hardly stand. The only thing getting me through the night is hope that I’ll check my phone and get something from you.

8pm nothing.

10pm I’m off work now, that wasn’t terrible I guess.

11pm I change out of my work clothes, get comfortable and pour myself a drink a little stronger than usual.

12am still nothing.

1am I’m on my third or fourth drink and I’m feeling kind of drunk right now. Thinking of calling you but psyching myself out. I don’t want to come off as needy.

1:30am My drinks are getting stronger and my self control is getting weaker. I break down.

2:30am I can’t even walk straight anymore, I should probably slow down.

3am I’m not feeling very well now but I don’t want to waste this drink.

4am I’m throwing up and crying and there’s nobody here to help me. All I can think about is how I want your attention.

5am I’m curled up in bed, makeup smeared, I’m anxious and exhausted. I send you a text apologizing for being me and I fall asleep.

It’s 8am, I’ve slept for about three hours and I’m awake for absolutely no reason, my heart is heavy. Still nothing.

I’ve kind of missed you tonight. We haven’t talked in almost two months now and I like to think our memories are mostly forgotten, but you still come up from time to time. I don’t think I miss you in particular, as much as I miss the thought of you. I never knew you. You turned out to be a completely different human being than you had me tricked into thinking for several months. You lied to me, and I liked it. You lied about loving me unconditionally and about how perfect you thought I was. You didn’t speak a word of truth all of those times you told me that I was yours, only yours and that we’d be living together soon. I was fooled into thinking that you, this (perfect) person, could have really been the one I had been waiting for all my life. To believe that it was in fact possible to find a soulmate this young. So no, actually, I don’t miss you. I never loved you. I miss being lied to. I loved the false version of you, that's made a home inside the shell of a broken, cold hearted, person. I couldn’t fix you, I don’t think you’re even capable of fixing yourself.

From now until forever, but forever isn’t long.

From today until tomorrow, unless something goes wrong.

Starting now, and lasting forever, although forever doesn't exist,

Moving forward and getting nowhere, it’s you I can’t resist.

Ships are sinking, bridges burned, these mistakes, we can’t go back.

They're lessons that I've yet to learn, it’s sympathy for you, I lack.

Jumping off a buildings top, without your hand in mine;

“I love you” was far too much, I'm just trying to pass the time.

Dying is not an option, so I grow wings and fly;

Escaping from the world below, sinking in the sky.