Kind of hurts
to feel as if you will never truly

have a best friend

Unless you're still with the one you come to know and both feel close
or somehow grew close to each other
Or grew up with one another

Watching people who just met on the spot become close
then just when you think it's going to happen to you
It doesn't
Instead someone else smoothly makes their way in
and take the person

Both laughing , talking
Next thing you know

......you're forgotten......

than you have this void
This certain spot in your heart
That you can't seem to fill

no matter how hard you try

So you forget about it
Until you feel close to someone again
then realize and watch how close that person really is with another
Then you're just standing there

with this gut crushing feeling

that you're never to find someone like that

a mixture of tangled feelings
                                  
                     ­                           more or less

      i feel in my chest

                             makes me feel as if i had wings

ready to soar
                             ready to explore


                                                   like i am not even earthbound anymore

a tune brewing inside me
                              
                               ­                            itching to get out

and burst out scenes

                                        of water colors

painting the sky


                               with wonders

                                                               ­  swirls of blues ,grays, and golds

feeling alive

like nothing can stop me
                      
                                         ­                     dancing with the wind

as the words that appear in my mind
                                                            ­             come alive



                                                             keeping me company

while drinking up warm memories


                          &  eating up laughter

                                                                              than

                       i wake up

                                                              ­alone
with

                                        me  
             ­                                               and the music
                  
                    blasting from

                                                               ­                                my earbuds
                        

       just me
                                                   and my ipod

I am afraid to take off this mask I wear....
  



           for the real me you'll see... is not pretty



stay away......please
          

                                
  ­                                   *don't come any closer
              

            

                   you'll wish you hadn't
  


At least I think you would
                           




                                it's better this way
                                        






if you never see....




              So forget about it







                                     And forget about me






for
  



                       I
    




will




                                                 ­                Be








          **nothing more.....than a distant memory

It 's the latter part of class,
people talking and laughing
All ,but him
little to no emotion was expressed,
screaming,crying,feeling overwhelmed
Like a caged creature,clawing,
desperate for its freedom
                                                         ­                                 Bell Rings
he snaps out of it for a minute
calmly rising from his seat,
making his way towards the buses
                                                           ­                         half-way home
it happens again,

masking what he felted                                        on the outside
                bus stops
before he noticed,
he was practically almost running off the bus
                            hurting so much
his chest tightens with every breath he takes
quickly he runs in to his grandparent's room,
grabbing the razor blade
isolating himself
staring at the unharmed flesh of his arm                  
                                           ­                              his mind being filled with      
                                                      ­                                    images of blood over
                                                                ­                                  flowing from his
                                                                ­                                                      wrist
as the blade met his skin,
                                 very little pain was felted
what started out as short & slow strokes
became fast,long & deeper cuts,
in that moment there was nothing he desire more
than to end it all
                                                             ­               but did not
placing the blade on the sink,
tracing the scars that ran up his arm,
                                                  he smiles
with tears flooding his eyes
it's around 12 at night,
wide awake and possessed by his thoughts,
finally tired,
falls asleep with the last thought
before closing his eyes to rest
                                                           *­i couldn't change even if i tried

Come to think of  it,
maybe I do like keeping to myself
                    Never really was good with socializing with others
Maybe I do like the tears that fall from my eyes
     And can sometimes taste
                when no one is around
Maybe....just maybe  I like that
I never really could attract others
                              and sometimes I'm both happy and sad about it
Maybe I like retreating to the library
                        where the "the faerie tales are my friends and I can escape  "reality"
Even if its just for a little while
Maybe I do like losing myself in the music
    where I sometimes find myself dancing with the music
Maybe these little gestures I do to show I care
                    are what I would like for someone else to do for and to me
I don't know
I'm sitting here
with a few of the thoughts that cross my mind
oh so many times
In a room filled with people
                  voices that overlap each other
              Pens tapping And Paper flying
With  me still thinking
                                     *maybe