but the other night
i woke up with bruises because
i was dreaming about him-
i torture myself for him,
and he repays me with more,
yet it's difficult for me to understand
how deep the scars are
when i don't feel any of them-
blinded by the shine of his eyes
and the glimmer of his lips
i let him do it
one
last
time.

anything for him.

anything to not feel alone again.

with rain soaked fingers
i ripped you apart
godzilla and sirens and all things nightmare
could take notes from me
i could write a handbook
about breaking people like breaking glass
it's simple when you stop caring about yourself
when your pearly white teeth rot and tear
when your shotgun heart and poison dart eyes
**** and break and destroy
you'll recognize my coffee-stained breath
hot on your neck
and next time you'll run
and run
and never look back

*(a.m.c.)

I missed you for a long time in too many ways
That it became just another part of me
Engraved deeper into my heart with the passing of time.
I would wake up
stretch, breathe, and miss you.
They told me to let it go
To let you go
And I would say:
You cannot simply will your heart to stop beating
That no matter how long you hold your breath for
You cannot hold it forever
And i could only stop missing you
If I stopped being myself entirely.

It's three am
We're walking the empty beach
Lovers are the only people silly enough to be up at this hour
It's six am
We're crashed on your best friends couch
Curled up tight because there's barely room for one, let alone the both of us
It's nine am
There are pancakes and strawberries, almost in edible because I'm known for burning everything I touch
You eat them anyway
It's twelve pm
The sun makes the world too warm, so we stay inside in our underwear
Wasting the day away watching stupid movies
It's three pm
You've fallen asleep
And I've taken to tracing the lines of your face with my forefinger
It's six pm
There's champagne and flowers and a warm bath
My lips burn from all the kisses
It's nine pm
Your words are full of honey and brass tacks
I never knew something this sweet could hurt me so
It's twelve am
You're gone, slipping out the back door as soon as my eyelids close
You won't be coming back
It's three am
I'm screaming on the bathroom floor, struggling not to open the medicine cabinet
I don't know how to handle the pain