Sometimes I wonder

if I even survived
my childhood.

Maybe some part of me
is sleeping
up on the hill.

One of those
Nightmares
That I couldn't escape
Carried me off
In its jaws

and so maybe
I am planted.
Looking down
At all the people
I can't remember.

I hope that I am ashes.
I never wanted a stone.

It's the quiet sound like a cat's walk it's the soft bounce like a bubble pops.
It's the smooth flow ,Like the wind blows
It's the bright night from the moonlight
Such a beautiful life
      Like the sound of a birds tweet and the warmth of the sun's Heat  Like the kiss from your loved one. Like the hug from your from your oldest son .
     What a beautiful life ,
it's a beautiful life

you were a clock always ticking and
the beat of your heart a metronome
you were a bomb and
i did not know when you might burst.
you were combustible
an incendiary grenade
and i was the gasoline
to your wildfires.

you were at war with the world
your mind a battleground
and i cried when you asked me
whether i wondered if life was worth living
perhaps because
i myself did not know

when i went to bed at three in the morning
i still woke up in the middle of the night
i dreamt my heart had burst open, ripped at its seams
still beating faster than death could seize our time on this earth
i asked you why it was that
life is this way

you were an hourglass
trying make to time stand still.
and while i went to every corner of the world
to buy each and every clock that existed,
still, i did not know how to stop it for you.
i did not know how to save a life
when i could not live my own
correctly.

you were a ticking time bomb,
ready to explode;
and i could not clip the wires
of your mind.

I cup a Pall Mall, it is 10:30 p.m.,
December & Montana
frigid.

The store’s back window is unlocked,
I take white bread, ham
& mustard.

Hunker curbside, make sandwiches
& eat, I am less

hungry, cold
& 14-years
old.

Goes as follows:

Letting stupidity and
unrequited emotions make me cry,
Hating the numbers on the scale,
Hating myself for eating chocolate,
getting too attached too quickly.

I am not in the business of
getting too close,
so I do not know why I mean to say "No"
but what comes out is too much affection.
You. Thinking of you, keeping memories of you, I'll crush you, I'll leave you
with a permanent ****** imprint of blue.

I'll learn to not get too near,
I'll learn to discard of my souvenirs,
I'll learn to give myself
all this wonderful love
I am so capable of giving to you,

But until then,
hand cuff me and
keep me behind the bars of growth.