written January 3rd, 2017

"Hypocracies flood my mind, time after time

I'm not fine, I'm lying when I say these things in my mind are just all composed of rhymes and lullabies

To get me by

Time flies, yet compositions on white boards and ideas of how I want to be are at an intertwine

Inside - it's one thing

On the outside - I can't compromise"

I'm like this again
It's an uncurable disease,
Just keeps on coming back
Making me want to die
I'm also afraid to die
I really want to live
I really want to want to live
But I still feel like this,
And I can't live with it

You say you love me,
They say they miss me,
Some even wants to be with me,
I can't believe a word they say
I can hear it, but not understand
Or feel it
Makes no sense at all,
why I still feel all alone

Might be that I never let them through,
Noone knows what's going on,
Going on inside my mind,
All my broken thoughts, hopes, wishes and dreams
Crushed into the one thing
That I've always been able to feel,
and to understand;
The strong and powerful pain
It's like it's always with me,
Even when I am starting to feel fine,
It's still with me,
the pain then starts to rain all over me
It won't ever go away from me

Can't I ever be free?
Why have I felt like this forever?
I thought things would get better,
I always do, but it never lasts
The pain takes me straight back
It never tells when it's going to strike
But when it strikes, it strikes
I'm certain of that

Will this be my future?
Day in and day out...
A glimpse of happiness,
Then just excruciating pain
Like there's no way out
You give and then you take
Everything that's left on the plate
More than you gave
Just to leave me with less
When I started to lose my suppress
I'm now suppressed to a whole new extent

I'm afraid to tell,
paranoid in every way,
A sound here, a shadow there
Someone wants me, I have to hide
They all want to take me down
Don't go outside, you'll be destroyed
The sun will melt you,
the rays will burn you,
And the daylight,
It will destroy you...
My mind says things I know aren't true,
But If I open up my state of mind,
I don't know if I'll get cured

I'm afraid to be ridiculed
I'm afraid to be looked down upon
I'm afraid to be framed
I'm afraid to be deceived
I'm afraid to be lied to
I'm afraid to be ruined

But must of all,
I'm afraid of growing old...
To die alone and unloved,
filled with unfulfilled dreams,
Years of depression and guilt
Of all the life I never lived
Wasted time, wasted memories
Just because of fear
how can I bear?

I doubt everyone's intentions
Even my own
In my heart,
I don't even know where I belong

I don't want to take my life, I want to start my life

My disease complicates my soul
When it rains at the most,
it turns into an ocean, I've been here before
The question is...
Will I swim through this time too,
or will this be the time I drown?

I don't care about anyone,
or anything
You keep me safe and sound,
bring me joy and laughter

I like us better in private,
just being myself with you,
fulfills me
No worries,
no need to be scared

Just us two, no interruptions
So secure,
perfect as can be,
could stay like this forever,
no doubt in my mind

This moment,
right here,
right now,
no pain,
just love

The vest grows heavy on my shoulders
Fuse in one hand
Match in the other
Fingertips practically itching to act.

Why is it so hard to self destruct?
I've got all the required materials right here
Why can't I be just like them
Loose with words and actions
Spreading myself like cloudcover?

They've got me thinking
Maybe if I could just explode
Pulverize myself into tiny bits
In that brief moment
Of becoming nothing from something
I'll forget your scent
Your eyes and your voice
That for a heartbeat, if only just one
Your name won't be pulsing through my veins

Even if it was the last thing on my lips.