Didn't even feel
Myself come
I'm numb
Its dumb

Failed suicides
Fail *** life
Can't make anyone happy
What is this...strife

Six months left,I am a waste of space
Death

Blame me mum
All the tings that ive done
I come
And from next chick I run

I don't want to be the the man in a heavy state
Irate
Drop the beat I'm a reprobate
I escape

I'm got myself together
I'm clever
No matter the weather
Whatetever

Instead of me
I'll do another girl
Its for free
I'll leave my body furled

I'm not ready to die yet
Mind set
Mind ***
I'm vext

But I'll die soon
I'm a loon
A cartoon
Its to soon,boom

How does it make you feel?
Is it real?
Because i'm so broken and alone
Lost in this zone
I can't atone
Lost In a mind set
I'm set,to **** myself

Washing machine whirrrrr
And its obscene that I'm obscured
I did what I did
As I do what I do
I hid what I hid
Now what am I gunna do?
It taste like it felt,so good
When they find out,trout pout,I wish they would
Say something more than nothing
Amount to something
Maybe a few more words
Like birds
Flying
Lying dying
Any more than eating alone
At home
They come
And take it away
My way
My day
Without asking if I'm grey

Twelve sentences
Thats my whole day
But **** it I'll settle any way
Clinging onto words you say
Its not much
Like the minimal touch
Double dutch
Press down like a clutch
Switch gear
I'm hear
But you're gone
So long
I was wrong

Both blessed and stressed
On the road to be the best
You'll be hard pressed
From last minute designs
To last minute cancelation
And the relentless perpetuation
Of traveling across a nation

I want to give you the best of me kind of love
The rest of me kind of love
Always next to me kind of love

If love is blind I'll write you letters in brail
I'll remove all the lovers memories in a yard sale
I'll give you everything and when I fail

I'll carry you in the bags under my eyes
Open them just to counts the why's
And lie

Tell myself I'll be okay
Day after day
It'll be okay

But it wont

The best looking macaroon
Is it too soon
To swoon
Over your macaroon

I've never been fussed on savory or sweet
But I don't want meat
Just a heart beat
We should meet

In the darkness of night
Bask in your light
While deep and tight
With all my might

I love your macaroon

The lonely mind
That wavers on a pond of indifference
Clawing at its own kind
Just to find
That we are nothing
No more no less
Break down from stress
Its all a mess
I digress
Light shimmering atop a body of water
Father scared as much as boyfriend over daughter
Voicing concerns,I think you oughta
Feeling real and free
Could it be
That you're lost like me
An up rooted tree
Shaking the leaves clean on a stiff breeze
Wrecked ship on rough seas
You could be the light
But you chose to fight
On a cold spring night
But its aight

I'm still here

Aren't we all waiting to be read
And told that we make sense?
Aren't we all waiting to be edited
And mixed into a child,become parents.
Aren't we all the diary of evey days dream
And for those that agree here's recompense.

Two queens ,Two toms
Seven kittens,one senoir
My babies now moms
And their babies will soon be gone
I love my pets and I'm sure they put up with me
There is a certain joy that comes from watching them raom free

Can of super
And a fake smile
Tide me over
For a short while
To tired to explain
Not my style
This **** could taste better
A little less vile

Doubt is seeded
Then you feed it
Like you need it
When you should **** it
Even if it pleaded
Don't be conceded

When you need them and they're not there,
Because they're too busy or just don't care.

This is how you start
A black and twisted heart
Completely torn apart
Great for making works of art

Condensed vibrational frequencies
Seeing themselves as masters of their own destiny
But tell me this,does a piece of music choose its own tempo and direction?or is it down to the creator of the sounds?
As we live in a sound based reality ( & I use the term reality loosely) we can summerise that the elation we experience from a series of rhythmic sound can be found in all other things,if we just choose to feel the vibe.
The obvious penatration of our being stood in front of the base bins at a free party,the feeling of sunlight to warm the skin and a zepher to cool it,the feeling of nirvana as a wild young temptress straddles your face and squirts moments of bliss into the oral cavity.
Its all vibrations,all of it,like a giant orchestra of being and everyone and everything has a front row seat.

Ultimately we are only responsible for our own actions but we are given power when we forgive.its easy to let **** twist you up and make you bitter but it takes real kindness and courage to forgive.

All the kittens
Soft and warm and catlike
Tiny wrestling,between siblings
Is too ******* adorable

The diary of a high functioning alcoholic
Breakfast gin and tonic
For brunch,*****
This ain't no love sonnet

Wake up already dressed
Check mind state,depressed
Check lifestyle,completely messed
Check mood,stressed

Coffee and a cigarette
Hold back I can't drink yet
What I do lastnight I forget
What's the name of the girl I met?

Oh well,on to another drink
Minds pretty messed up so I have to stop and think
Wear this shame like the rich wear mink
Drink so ******* much that I have to sink

I lie,"its comfy on the floor"
I don't wanna breath no more
Staring at the door
Yo,I been here before

Id like to be a better man
But I'll probably just drink another can
Find a new shop after previous ban
Can't believe faith in self just up and ran

Falling backwards
Through the back woods
An atlas
Doesn't matter
When you're lost and shattered

Fight my demons for another day
I didn't want to be happy anyway
Alcoholism and thirst to slay
Is there anything I can do to make you stay?

I'm my own ******* nemesis
Trying to find relevance
Nothing makes any sense
Life of codependence

Nothing but nightmares in a dream
Nothing what it seem
Staring at a screen
What is a human bein'?

I fly so close to the sun
Mantra,"what have I done?"
Together we come
But left feeling numb

Who am I anyway
Flitter through clouds on a heavy day
We can find a better way
**** what anybody say

Fly a little closer
I want to pursue this
"Can I get to know you?"
"What's your name miss?"

"hi,my names A Mistake"
I'll watch your heartbreak
I'm fake
A ****** up little reprobate

****
I opened up
I told them that I'm mortal
That I'll die
Of some stupid virus
****
I'm too strong
what if I'm wrong?
****
What about my son
**** ****
Fuuuuck
****

Try to make friend
Instant end
God I'm ******* stupid
Like lupin
I just wanted to talk
But friendship I calk
Like a bottle of wine
Be so bad if it was between the line
And they fine
But its okay
I tried to help and say
That they should stay
Take life another way
"Its okay"

Ten years between me and my brother
We got the same mother
We agree with one another

That high focus bring that real raw ****
Whether you high,or stuck in a pit
This is it

From ****,and keys to the scissortounge
Outside their peripheral nothing is done

When you think you have the one
Or a situation to stun
Drop heavy beats on you like a ton

A million
Drops of vermilion
Leave the place I like to hide
Sick of all the fears within

I don't want to be alone
I guess I should of grown
Deep down inside
I already know

That this is the real world
I couldn't hold a real girl
Stretch,from being furled
Shake of the feeling of being whirled

Find a right head space
Get my own place
In God find grace
Go at my own pace

Gimmie a thick ****
With a big ****
So I can nut
Before the deep cut

A pound of draw
Word I saw
Kick her out the door
Ain't seein' her no more

Drop that cold hard lyric
**** I give,call me a synic
I'm in it to win it
So gimmie a minute

Its not an apathetic mind state
I'm irate
Outlaw,land pirate
I'll drink a ******* crate

While I mastabate
During a mass debate
Over the fate
Of mans *******,but wait...

Check the chick tied to the bed
She give good head
But when I said
I'd rather be dead

Her jaw dropped all irrational
She needs to liven up,I'm a cannibal
I'm a fan of all
Each creature with a mandible

Strip flesh clean down to the bone
I'll leave your family alone
Cos they clean out my zone
I won't atone

For the thing I do next
Mandem is vext
When I don't get back text
left feeling perplexed

From the sadness blast an eruption
Of self destruction
Pulse quickens,hands tremble
Logic begins to disassemble
Reflection resembles a wild dog starving
I begin carving

Deeper
Deeper

Bring me the reaper
Drag me out of this misery and plant me in a grave
Free me from the ******* to emotion,I'm a slave
Fiery whips of self hatred across my back
Mind screaming

Attack
Attack
Attack

Until it fades to black
And I wake up from this being
And constant visions seeing
Nowhere to run always fleeing

Drink
Cut
Drink
Cut

But I don't die
Leaving myself a ****** drunken mess
Serving only as a warning to others
That this is the wrong path

I sit and pluck hairs from my beard.
One by one thinning it out.
Replaying old memories in my head.
Dragging myself further to the point  where no matter how drunk I get the sadness is still there.
Hating myself more than I ever have before.
Questioning why I am still breathing when id be better off dead.
Maybe I want to hurt more than I want to die.
I deserve to suffer.
Its hard to be a monster that isn't heartless.
Watching myself hurt those i care about.
What the **** is wrong with me?!
Every single time I encounter happiness I break it.
Like a idiot,a comitmentphobe.
Destroying what could be beautiful silences by having existential breakdowns.
Having to talk through every issue when it could just be a non issue.
I know the past is the past so why don't I leave this behavior there instead of carrying it into every new moment.
There is a reason you don't keep polarbears as pets so why do I hold on to the fool in my head.
God I ******* hate myself.

Let's just pretend for a second that everything is okay,
Maybe I will finally take my coat off after days of sitting in one place,
Or maybe I'll realize I'm lying to myself.
Sadness reaching up my throat but I choke on a thousand things never said,I doubt I'll say them either.
For my hearts sake id persure happiness but for her sake I should keep my distance.
**** this selfish heart of mine holding fast to her words.
**** this selfish brain replaying memories.

Only shadows and self doubt surround me
Logical impairment around me
I try to break something real
But life is a bad crack deal
I stab myself in the chest
Not impressed,self digressed
Get so stressed
What's for the best?
Am I really real though
Work for a little doe
Drinking tinnies of the beer bro
Mind moves slow
And I've got to show that I've got to go
...so
Am I a real man?
Or some artificially created man in a can?
On a life's ban no tan of a bleeding sun on our skin
What is within?
But sin?
I begin
To move a step forward into the shadow
And you know
How you grow so go bro
Grow slow,so you pro

I don't want to drink or think or ink,
I don't want to wash or sleep or take a single second away from the truth that I've hurt the person I care about more than I could ever comprehend.
You mean everything to me and I've undone the fabric of my own existence,broken my own reality,and for what?
Some stupid twisted episode?
I'm a ******* loser,I lost my life,my future wife,to experience strife,like a mug.
I sabotaged my own happiness because I see nothing but a single moment and flare up like some pretentious *****.
God I'm sorry,
I'm hurt and I deserve it.
You deserve every happiness in life and I brought you pain.
I'm nothing.
I'm glad you realised that because without your push I would of held you down,
I love you so much that i'd hold you back with idiocracy,some twisted ideal that it'd all be fine,you'd be mine but i'd stop you from being happy and you deserve more.

Well done you scummy *******
*******
Better get your throat slit
Defacate on your own ******* happiness
More times than I can count on an abacus
I laugh at you
Tripping over your own ego
But we know
Seeds like you don't grow
Won't go pro,so slow,slowmo
But you know
Chock on the memories
Asphyxiate on those feelings
Lowered ceilings
In the house of the mind
Just to find
you're a death wish
With a checklist
So wreckless
You check us
But not yourself
Man...you're bad for health

My little teddy
Thrashing around
As toddlers do
for a moment forget
That I've also been through
The terrible two
I hold him close
As he thrashes around
To calm him
And his loud sound
Though he screams as if
He doesn't want me to hold him
But then he'd rather hug
Just like I told him
I couldn't shout
At that boy of mine
Because I need to make sure
He will be just fine
It happens so much
Day to day
But I love my boy
I though I would say

He slams his ****
In a proverbial door
What did he do it for?
He's not so sure
He sits and thinks
And drinks
And sinks
The pain
Reaching so deep inside
Because he lied
He promised himself
He wouldn't slam that door
On his ****
What did he do that for?
He's not so sure
Clutching at that
Blood soaked swell
Even ice doesn't help
His hell
All others see and can tell
He shut his own **** in the door

Broke the rule
Lost my cool
Played the fool
Like a tool

Striking lovers against the heart like matches
Leaving no mark on it but a small abrasion
Watching them burn out to ebony charcoal

You lit me
You got close
You watched me melt
I burned you
You blew me out

No amount of food will fill the void
No alcohol will silence my mind
No **** could fix my heart
No cut could could raise my soul
I am the living dead
Wandering through life without aim or purpose
Waiting for the vessel to die as the light inside has

"Hush mind hush"

Tears gush.

"What have I done?!"

Thoughts weigh a ton.

"I'm nothing but a shell"

This is hell.

"I'm sorry heart"

I broke us apart.

Parental unit requests that I vocalise what I have a black eye for.

"I walked into a door"

Parental unit then requests where the red scratches with dried claret appeared.

"Cats claws" as if the last lot hadn't just cleared.

Parental unit knows something's going on and pressed for information.

I can't bring myself to tell her of the true situation.

I'm a terrible person and a terrible son,
I broke the rule and lied to my mum.

The pounding of my head,only silenced by the pounding of my heart.
I wish it would stop beating,the ache has become so unbearable.
I will still it by any means necessary.
Thoughts race across my mind,I've been left behind.
There is no reprieve.
Gather yourself for the last day,make peace with those I wronged.