i'll tell you that if i start crying
i won't be able to stop
because the salt that pours from my sunken eyes
reminds me too much of the river
where i used to spend my afternoons dipping my toes into the water
and i'll say to you that if i sit alone
for even a second
i'll start recalling memories
putting puzzle pieces back
that i thought would never fit
i'll yell at you and say that
i want to go
and look out at the barren dessert beneath
my small feet
and i'll ask you to tell me not to wear that
because it reminds me too much
of when i wore it all too often
the night i arrived
the night i left
i'll say to you
don't let me read that
because i'll internally die
from something you didn't know could **** you
i'll notify you that i desire something
a wish an untold fortune
lastly, i'll do anything for you
because i want to go home
and when i do...
i'll never come back.

everyone i've written about
has left me.
so you must understand
why i will not immortalize you
with my words,
why i won't turn you
into a poem.

maybe this way
you'll stay.

you tell me sad stories
about the way your father always said 
your name wrong, your words are soaked
in whiskey and blue roses
you touch my skin like pianos and you eat
my soul like electricity and black rocks
tomorrow i'll be making you breakfast,
but you'll still be sad
i will chew the words "i'm fine" until my mouth
is bleeding and my tongue will turn into
pastel pink chalk
i will wear marble underneath my fingernails
and call it a way to survive
tomorrow i will leave you a note
"i love you"
but you will still be sad

this morning, i awoke with a million different things swimming through my brain's waves and wiring that all could be summarized in only four words, picked at, scraped down, and peeled off completely raw:
my heart is hurting.

if the people at that party could physically see it in action, it would be on it's hands and knees, crawling to the nearest and darkest corner to hide in. no one seems to think you deserve me and no one has any patience and no one is waking up this morning, clutching their knees to their chest at the thought of the curve of his smile, making me want to meet god just so i could thank him for it.  

and i think it's almost insane, the way this world works. how i stayed on the porch with him until the sun came up even after he said he'd only stay for a little while. how we talked so loudly of loneliness but hadn't even slightly exhaled the word itself. how he's a figment of my past but he made my world feel new again. how all of the people that want me around are pushing me away because of the way he leaves me and showing their teeth because of the way i want him despite that- there is no kindness here- when the reason it hurts is because he is the most warm, tender person and understands the same thing about me.

it's a dog-eat-dog world and i am a 16 year old human, eating a burrito over the kitchen sink in my underwear at 5 o'clock, monday morning.

with a hand full of heart
and a pocket full of soul
i have found my purpose
so down the road i go
i don't have any money
but the clothes on my back
and a paper with a pen
inside my travel sack
a prayer inside my heart
an idea within my brain
a sadness in the distance
births a coming joyous reign
even if i never make the top
i won't regret i came
you may not recognize my face
but you won't forget my name

even the sonnets of Shakespeare
began to sound the same