i was sitting here
searching for how to
do something mundane.
worklike.
syncing accounts.
trying to find passwords.
downloading data.

i sprinkled eucalyptus around
earlier to try
to make myself feel better.

i lit a candle and everything and
even pretend made my bed.
cranked the air conditioning.
so i could cool off.
and calm down.
and r e s t.

i took 2 dove milk chocolates
and ice cold water to my room.
i just wanted to watch
Stargate Atlantis
and go to sleep.

lazily mining for data
half paying attention
and suddenly an
  intergalactic time portal
opened up before my eyes.
and boom.
(i'm here again)
in this place
of so much
l o v e
my heart pounding
as if no time has gone by.
as if you had just come around
the corner and i see your face
again for the
first time.

literally tachycardia
a loss of all logic
a stupid, stupid grin
my body shaking
in anticipation
of hearing your voice.

by accident.
gigabyte after gigabyte after gigabyte
                and year, after year, after y e a r
and no matter which
one i choose,

i find pieces of you.
    funny little pieces.
        big, honest pieces.
secret pieces.
my pieces.

tears are streaming
d o w n my face
but i don't care
because it is the only
time i can remember
what it was like.

to be a different person.
in a different time.
to overlap with you.

every click
and swipe
songs
artworks
words
photos
texts

the reaching and
the r e t r e a t i n g.
     the coming together and
the sudden
   f
     a ll
in g
a p
art

all neatly in chronological
order like i'm
reading my own story.
but seeing it from
the outside.
the entire picture.
and i can see
where i was wrong
   i n t e n s e
younger
and stupider
and flailing.

but i have always seen you.
     always from the
           very first moment.
you were like an assault
  but in a cosmic sense.
and at the same time
a peaceful, serene, beautiful,
rare combination of atoms and ****.

and i don't think something like that
   could ever happen again.
i can't even imagine it,
   and imagining is the
only thing i'm good at.

curse the interwebs,
saving all this ****
i didn't even realize.
and thought was lost.

but also thank you,
google overlord.

i think it's ok to cry
  about loving someone,
and missing someone
so so so so much.

because nothing matters more
  than being honest
about your love.

and then i looked out
my window in despair
and i saw
a crescent moon.

On this grave don't lay your spray of flowers
As tearful mourners bid me adieu;
I'll not be moved by their sweet perfume,
Nor be dazzled by their brilliant hue;
Your past deeds defined my curtain call --
Deeds that bear the bitter taste of gall

Please, let there be no sorrowful tears,
Don't pretend to lament my demise;
Remain unmoved as you were in life
When you saw tears flowing from my eyes;
Show no sorrow, not even a bit,
Lest you be branded a hypocrite

Come not to the mound where I've been laid
While uttering some meaningless prayers,
Once Death announces the end of day,
For broken hearts there are no repairs;
Don't seek forgiveness while on one knee --
I'll be slumbering in tranquility

As I drink from the Eternal Fount,
Do not sully the Waters of Peace,
Keep your distance, this soul is at rest,
At my grave is where your torments cease!
To the Light I will have made my way
As shreds of a wretched life decay

Where the sunlight splashes through
The barely moving branches of the Magnolia tree
It makes a fascinating pattern on the patio.
Amy Lowell wrote of patterns in a lovely, angry verse
When she was writing about how she hated war.

I bend to trace the patterns with my toe
And focus on the possibilities of now
With monster canons rolling down the boulevards
And goose-step imitators marching by
While in the stands a devilishly evil Buddha smiles.

A zephyr gently stirs the leaves
And all the patterns rearrange again
I look at them with half closed eyes
And I can’t find the symmetry
That I saw just an hour ago.

The Kraken still is held by chains
And though he gushes fire and venom
The patterns on the wall contain him
As he thrashes to replace the sun
With a new one of his own creation.

Amy walked a peaceful garden path
In dappled sunlight long ago
Creating lines that live today.
I trundle down a brick-lined walk
And hope that I will have tomorrow.
                         ljm

Not the prettiest girl in town,
The smartest or most charming,
But she had what the boys all wanted
And she did not say “no”

Her Birthday was a day past mine
Our mothers were good friends
We celebrated on those days together
I learned we could not double date

Her boyfriend’s friends assumed that I
Would lay me down like she did
But I was saving that for later
“No” was the only word I knew.

The arguments were never fun.
The pill did not exist back then
And boys detested wearing “rubbers”
My fear was equaled by resolve

Our ties gave way with our diplomas
And I set out to find my star
She settled in to create babies
Birthday cards our only contact

The one who finally married her
Was not her baby’s father
She thanked him for his kindness
By giving him three more

They stuck it out through thick and thin
And thin it was most often
She stayed by him and him by her
And so the world moved on for years

One day I heard that she had died
Cancer at an early age
As one last time she laid her down
And slipped into eternal rest

I wonder how our lives would be
Had I said yes while she said no
ljm

Years of knowing I wasn’t wanted
Have poisoned the tenderest
Portions of my soul.

Butterflies have become moths
And the music is always out of tune.

The sunset is an ugly smear
And sunrise holds no promise.

Flowers do not yield perfume
And all the birds are Ravens.

Words that used to comfort me
Now echo back in hateful tones

I tell myself there is a light
And try hard to believe it.

But it’s illusive and it fades
Each time I think I see it.

Wanting to be wanted
Turns out to be a foolish game.

How can anybody want me
When I don’t even want myself.
ljm

Imprisoned in my melancholy world
I sought escape in my errant dreams;
A vast universe of promise unfurled --
A stroll with love through Elysian streams

As my eyelids closed, my awakening came --
A dream lover woke my dormant heart;
A small spark kindled into a bright flame
Commanding the darkness to depart

And I savored love in all its splendor,
Every trace of loneliness had flown;
How swift and complete was my surrender,
For love's divine hand now held my own

But desperate hearts see what's not really there --
Phantoms and imaginings so real
That for brief moments they numb our despair,
And wounds of loneliness start to heal

How frail are the dreams of the desperate heart,
Fashioned of cloud-drifts and withered leaves;
With the slightest breeze they scatter apart,
(In dismay the bewildered heart grieves)

Doomed is love conceived of the lonely heart,
It's destined to end in tears and pain;
That darkened veil that sleep had torn apart
Now envelops my heart once again

In dreams, reality wears a disguise --
The love I find there is mine to keep;
So come, dream lover, murmur your sweet lies,
As the night winds lull me back to sleep

Make me great with your light
O Most Powerful God,
Keep your light shining on me
O Most Merciful God!

You stay in my entire life and death
O Most Gracious God,
My prostration is to you in full faith.
O Most Merciful God!

I don't want to go the wrong way
I wouldn't respond to others in a wrong way,
I just only want your mercy,
O Most Merciful God!

Please open the door of mercy
And forgive all of my sins
with your love and mercy
O Most Merciful God!

If I have done any little sin in the day
Turn me on the right path immediately.
O Most Merciful God,
Keep your mercy flowing to me, please!