What can I say?
I am floating in a cove of pain,
Of forgotten memories and lost quotes,
The silent sobbing no one hears.
Alone in my bed, I am silent.
No one hears the way I weep,
For me, for all of them.
I can no longer remember,
The way laughter truly feels.
I miss laughing until I cried.
Now I just start crying and keep crying.
My face can hold a smile for hours,
Just waiting until its safe to remove it.

What do I do?
I am drifting away from everything, everyone.
I am shutting off my heart,
Closing down my head.
Letting myself fall into the void,
That is easier than feeling.

What could I do?
The numbness keeps me alive.
The feelings would **** me.
Loss,
Misery,
Loneliness,
Suffering,
Regret,
Chaos,
Destructi­on,
That is all I have.
The numbness takes it away.
Silents the swirl of anxiety.

What do I say?
When asked why I never called,
Never texted,
Never replied.
My mind is complacent.
My phone unimportant,
My life irrelevant.
My soul withered.

Am I too loud
I can be silent
Too shy
I can be violent

Am I too flashy
Too much bling
Too much dancing
I don't have to sing

Too happy
Too sad
Too forgiving
Too mad

I don't know who to be
I just don't want to be me

Blister packs  and Auld Lang Syne,
the rain-dance in the rain-forests
where no one keeps time;
the maypole, the bar stool,
the sunstroke pilgrimage;
the Superbowl commercial,
the secret raiding of the fridge-
all conforming to some routine
of half-comfortable bliss;
we stumble blindly through
our blueprint futures-
we borrow our happiness.

The truth is out there
if you look within:
the circadian rhythm,
the central nervous system;
the clamour of your mind
in the face of chronic stress.
The Lenders are out
in the crowds now,
with their placards of high-interest
amongst the indifference
of the street-meat vendors,
the numbered tables at the bar;
we spoil ourselves in the reach
of the so near's;
that we forsake all of the so far's.

I keep waking up
Day after day
Never wanting
To go out and play

I'd rather stay safe
Curled up in my bed
Trying to get images of love
Out of my head

I'm running out of reasons
To stay alive
I try to help others
Always left alone to cry

Does anyone know me
Does anyone care
They say I'm great
One of a kind, rare

I'm not so great
That I know
But if you look into my heart
You'll see my glow

No one has time
To see the real me
Even I am blind
What do you see?

Should I continue to believe in love?
Old fashioned romance and singing doves?

As much as I look, it just can’t be found
No one is real, although seeming so profound
They tell you what you want to hear
Whisper sweet nothings in your ear

I don’t believe a thing I hear anymore
They all lie, eyes staring at the floor

Then that first date
And the hands start to wander
I don’t even know you!
You’re not making me fonder

Then there are those
Who pretend to care
They are wonderful when they’re around
But they are hardly ever there

They look you up
When their needs cry loud
Why haven’t I learned?
To stand tall and proud

Being alone is my sentence in life
I feel like my heart has been stabbed with a knife

Love is for others
I wish them well
I’ll be alone
Living in hell

I met a man, perhaps a ***,
On the streets near my home;
And asked me he for some mon-
ey, he said his was more gone.

I had a bit, but only just,
Wasn't sure which to trust,
My head, my heart, or gut.

*I wish I had then but one.

W H Y*  *is it I smile whenever I
H ave
Y ou close to me darling?

W H Y  is it I feel sad whenever I
H ave
Y ou not close to me darling?

W H Y
H aven't you yet admitted I did fall for
Y ou darling?

W H Y
H aven't you ever entrusted me with
Y our fragile heart darling?

W H Y
H aven't you ever admitted it
Y ou mean the world to me darling?

W H Y
H aven't you ever admitted it
Y ou're my everything darling?

W H Y
H aven't you yet admitted it
Y ou're the angel of my dreams darling?

W H Y
H aven't  you yet admitted all I crave is
Y our love darling?

W H Y
H ave you failed to admit I love
Y *ou with all my heart & soul darling?

It's hard to walk
the dunes of depression.
Not only from the loose shifting sands,
but the presence of soul eating,
demonic illusions
that pretend to be poetic
yet are just rotting, hypnotic words
hell bent on falsifying your mind.

The ironic indentations
in this madness
is you are standing amidst
blue sky lithium dreams
of xanax desires,
stuck with rainbow's
colors pounding at you,
making you think everything is fine
as the whole world burns;
a "one day at a time"
horror show
that shouts a *******
symphony in B sharp major.

Hell,
no wonder
I love the "blues".

Aztec Warrior 7/12/15