I bleached my hair a pale blonde
because when we were together,
it was a dark purple.
I’m letting my hair grow out
because when you said you loved me,
it was shaved to almost nothing.
I gave myself a tattoo
because when you laid with me
I didn’t have any.
I am getting over you
because even though i still am attached,
I can’t let myself hurt any longer.
I will change every part of me
just so i’m not reminded.
I will not let you destroy me
because i am the only one that holds the power.

What am i supposed to do?
Tell you i’m in love with you,
while you’re telling me you love another.

I keep saying that i’m going to cut him off,
but every time he texts me,
i’m rushing to respond,
i’m always going out with him.
I keep saying that i’m done with him,
but he makes me feel wanted.
And i would rather lose myself than
leave him.

i can’t smoke cigarettes anymore
because they remind me of my time with you.
i can’t drink tequila anymore
because it reminds me of that night
i can’t even hang out with you anymore
because all the time i spend with you
just makes the pain so much worse.

i only stayed with you to get my fix.
i’m not sure which was more attractive
how you treated me
or
the drugs you gave me.
when we were together
i felt like i could say anything.
it was probably just the drugs.
i only stayed because of the drugs.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i didn’t care for you,
i just used you for the drugs.
that’s all it was.
i was addicted to them
not you
never you.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i was just addicted to the adrenalin.
there was no emotion.
i didn’t like you.
i just liked the things you do.

I’m addicted to you
and the way you made me feel.
I spent the nights after it ended
going through withdrawals
that were almost as bad as when i forgot my medication for three days straight.
Every time i saw you made me
want to relapse
just to feel your skin against mine.
Now i’m no longer addicted to you.
You’re just a bad memory
and a former fix.