It’s a little hard to admit
Sometimes when I see you
Something
Something still speeds up
Something still recognizes you
Not you but who you used to be and I realize
With a calm cynical cascade of frost
That my life is a lot better without you in it
And I fought you
I fought you on every single inch
But something I've realized
Is that the way you went about it was wrong
You wanted me to let you go but you did it the wrong way
When someone is fighting you and you know that they adore you
Like you were the very last barely running fountain
IN HELL
But you still negated the discomfort
I told you from day one when you wanted to leave
TELL ME
I'd stop pushing my own head underwater
Barely succeeding
In making you happy and what you needed
You belittled me
(I let you)
Only needing me whenever you were feeling insecure about yourself
Yes it would've hurt when you left but what hurts
What hurts
What hurts more is
You
You took the time to grow fangs
You drained my personal vat of happiness
But you left the one for your own
Alone
You took your claws and shredded my own common sense
That you got me so used to it
That I let you
That I automatically would think
"this is how I should be treated."
And if any guy was nice to me after we broke up
I'd think
"What the actual hell are you doing? Do you want something from me?!"
I took a human kindness as someone just talking to me
For profit….
But you
You burned everything away
You smiled
And knew that if you could turn this fierce of a lover
Into that fierce of a self destructive soldier
Face caked in grime
Boots grown out of blood
Sleeves stained red
All of this from a war with myself
And I don't know when the bomb
Stuffed with self loathing
Stopped dropping
I don't know when the bangs in my head
Stopped
But I know that loving you was the hardest thing I put myself through
But I also know
Even though it was my own self created hell
I've changed for the better
I may not be happier
But I've changed

The train has departed.
I’m in an unfamiliar town.
Unfamiliar faces all around me
I want to belong here
But there is no comfort.
I’m roaming with no destination.
Underneath the facade
I am screaming,
Searching for familiarity.
I keep searching and panic sets in.
I can’t find it.
I don’t feel it.
There must be a reason why I’m still here,
Why I’ve been left behind.
I’m lost and afraid and
Nobody will help me
But they’re watching
Waiting.
I don’t belong here.
I want to run, but
My feet are chained down.
So I sit down
And I wait
As if it was my choice.

A creeping sense of dread seeped in,
as I realized there was a traitor in my midst.
A double agent at it again,
striking mercilessly with an iron fist.

I thought all was as it should be,
shoved my heart in a barred cell,
and set my body free,
but oh how quickly my defenses fell.

How could I have been so naive,
to mistake lust and love for oil and water,
as once entwined they are impossible to cleve,
inseparable indistinguishable fodder.

Once I realized my own betrayal,
panic dug its twisted roots deep,
and only then did I truly fail,
as I fled the state of infatuation a frazzled heap.

It was then that  I noticed in my haste to flee,
I tore my heart in two, and whether it can be mended I have yet to see.

Sun is setting.....the dark rushes in,
from its bright orange glow,  a pale
tint of  orange turns fast to  bronze
gray, like metal.....suddenly, there's
that powerful whistle!.......suddenly
what matters, is to count the hours
'til whistle sounds its leaving, on its
way into the open sea...as a million
stars...graciously take over the sky

grip relaxes........hand lets go of old photos
candle light flickers, moth dances in circles
"no rain, please," a whisper, like  soft wind
blowing.....the heart leaps each time a boat
arrives, heart breaks when the whistle tells
of departure....the whistle...haunts this sad
soul...swaying trees, wooden walls, in their
own ways, listen....lizards rarely knock, the
cicadas stop their night songs......as dweller
withdraws from an old self, from an old life.
hushed wailings melt bits of pain...it's hard
to forget a life lived solely....for one's selfish
interests....a family abandoned...a lost voice
talks to God....of repentance....and of regret,
for years of straying, for precious time lost
an errant human being, longs to be  within
family circle again....the hugs....the giggles
baby's cheeks......the warmth of loved ones
they're a thousand reasons.....to reconsider
babies have grown up....people are weaker.
wind whispers their names under the fiery
sun...but, mostly.......in the still of the night.

"God, who would want me back?....why didn't
you let me? there at the gorge, or the stream?"

how many futile attempts had there been?
how many more boats must come and go?
how many more sunrises....sunsets to see?
one cannot.....could never escape from life
how does one learn to accept....to forgive?
when?...how....does one forgive one's self?

sleep didn't come.......faint dawn light peeps
through clearing clouds...the owner, the old
man is back, brought a daily.....with a photo
of the dweller...reportedly missing for years
a contact number, and a reward...offered for
precious information...the old man knew, he
too, was lost once.....he understood the need
offered the old cottage....to help another lost
soul, find himself again.....took long, but this
new, overwhelming courage has taken over!
dweller hurried.....then, hugged the old man
a God-given friend...in his darkest moments
the boat arrives by noon......sails before dark,
..........finally, to take the dweller...back...........
.............................. H O M E ..............................

Sally


Copyright Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
September 28, 2018  (Pacific time)

He is there but nobody sees him
He speaks but no one can hear
He lives his life in confinement
And no one ever comes near.
To watch him He looks rather lonely
He is lost that is perfectly clear.
Once a child in the arms of his mother
And his father would always be near.
But parants don't last forever
And soon they are no longer here
Now there  is nobody out there
To chase away all of his fears.
He walks to his flat he has no one
Loneliness his only friend
Is this what he really lives for
With nothing to show at the end.
Let's start from the very beginning
It happens in this day and age
Take note of this lonely stranger
Invisible in so many ways.