you make me want to write, you make me want to fight, to wake up in the morning with clean wrists.

The match that lit the spark that burned between us, blew out. Extinguished agony, and bittersweet goodbyes. I choke on the smoke that was your essence every night.

I'm sorry for all the complaining
I did as a child when you asked me to vacuum the stairs. Really it was one
of my only chores.

Now when I visit and climb them,
the dusty, darkened corners of carpet
bring me to a violent halt.

The ***** stairs haunt me Mom.

I’ve tripped over every accessible hallway, trying to stop myself from falling in love with you.

I stand on the shore, my feet sinking in the sands,
My hair tousled wild in winds hustling hands,
Covering my face, veiling my eyes,
Distantly, I hear the seagulls, their yearning cries.
I grip firmer and hold myself tight,
In dusk's diminishing, dwindling twilight.

I watch the waves lunge at me -
Overwhelming, menacingly.
But as they race to the shore, reaching my feet
They drench me, turn back and then recede.

I see another wave, I yearn to move a step behind.
Fear and uncertainty fill my troubled mind.
But I still stand, stand my ground,
Unmindful of the sounds,
Of the winds and the waves,
In a trance, lost, nature's slave.

I nearly fall, my balance lost,
Taken by surprise, by waves tossed.
But I still stand, stand with unsteady feet,
Where the land and waters meet.

I, on the seashore, a speck, besides a sea so vast -
I know that each wave will rest and it too shall pass.

The next time I come see you
I want to read to you.
Like you always used to read to me
before turning out the lights.
For every time I wouldn't hold your hand,
I want to hold it twice as long now.
When the blankets slide down too far
I want to put them back on you.
If your pillows fall flat
I want to fluff them for you.
When you cry
I want to be there with
a fresh tissue for each tear.
I want to quit my job
and be there next to the bed with you.
I want to ask you what I should do
when my world is falling.
I want to do everything you do,
and be just like you.
I want to laugh.
I want to hear you laugh.
I want to read to you,

forever.

The things I'd do to be with you
Would put me away for good;
So, here I wait in solitude,
No sun, no moon, no light.

I've dug deep to break out,
I've climbed walls in my sleep;
I've dealt and knelt,
Held my hands out
To supplicate for pardon.

But I'm a repeat offender,
A schmuck and poor pretender;
A pled lifer for loving you.

I keep my money pursed, and my lips locked.

Silence echoes through my mind
as rage consumes my heart
With self-control beyond my reach
I slowly fall apart

I fight the demons in my head
but darkness takes control
The searing heat of nothingness
burns deep within my soul

But nothing seems to remedy
all the pain I feel inside
So all that I can think of are
these thoughts of suicide

My life has faded far away
so far beyond my grasp
So deep is my despair I don't know
how long I can last

Oftentimes I've thought about
just who would mourn my death
If anyone would even care
that I've drawn my final breath

Would anyone remember me
or cry because I've passed
So deep is my despair I know
there's no way I can last

Don’t leave me loving you
Here alone.
Stab my finger, at least,
And lull me to sleep
Before you go.

If I dream of you tonight,
Don’t be flattered.
I care too much
And dream of everything that matters.

Don’t leave me loving you
Here alone
In my imagination
Where it will feel too right.

If I’m looking ill,
Leave me to die.
Otherwise, stay the night.