Why after calling me handsome
And declaring me so much fun

Is the question I have to ask

Why did she not return?

As I wrestle with reality
Where did I go wrong?

I gave her space , thoughtfulness
I showed her warmth, respect and care
I demonstrated humor lightness and fun
I brought interest, intelligence - even independence

I held a place both safe and free
That I could hold but did not grasp
That could revere but did not cling
A place where something special
Could be grown.

So again I have to ask
Where did I go wrong?

But after a dark and stormy night
I wake up light and see

Yes
The truth is
I was all of those things
And I poured them richly
abundantly and joyfully

The truth is

I Shone

TOO BRIGHT

What happens to hidden blessings
Golden gestures sprinkled into letters
Boldly written but never read

Treasure troves locked away
Hidden out of sight, far away
A life time of unrequited night
Destitute with an open heart

Do they tumble
Do they fall
Vanish or disappear

Are they cherished by angels
Trampled by Shiva
Into eternal fire
Stolen by demons
Devoured by the devil

Is part of the writer forever lost
Like part of the receiver that never woke
Do souls forever wander
Looking for their lost parts

Like words that linger
But never touch
Does somewhere
A great Star
Turn itself off

Does the universe scream in silence
For what should of been
But never was

Why is it only when we cry
When we feel in despair
That our life is broken
Beyond repair
That we cannot be fixed

That with open heart
We finally turn to God
Hands full of broken parts
That we can finally say
I am so sorry, dear God

Can you please help me

When you look at me
with a shaking head
Making me feel like
I am an Idiot

And as sometimes mist seems
to cover the whole dam earth
Foggy mind plodding
through the earth

Lost in a tiny little boat
Floating  across a giant sea
Waves are so much bigger
than me

The darkest night seems to have no end
No guiding stars or
even an owls
hoot

Just swallowed up by some dark mystery
Full of doubt about
The direction
I took

With a million voices screaming in my head
Telling me that I am stupid
That I just got it so
So wrong

But wait white doves are now appearing
The flood is disappearing
As the phoenix is now
Rising

Misty due is now falling breaking clouds
Sky is clearing and
Birds are
singing

Flashing lights lit up in the mud
Words written in the sand
I think I have seen
a sign

Truth is I got everything
I ever really wanted
Exactly what
I needed

A person you would always be friends with
Something really terrific
I got
Me

Which is better than expected
Much more lovely than
I could of
imagined

You see this world is something special
And mankind can be so
Wonderful

As crystal cliffs sparkling with
pink waterfalls splashing
My heart meeting this
magical world

As I know all is how it should be
Exactly what was meant to be
And more importantly
So am I  

And so much better than expected
And I know now there
Is even
More

Black hats, purple robes
Magicians love
To serve us all
Bubbling bubbles of desire
Lift me up
Higher and higher
Somewhere buried
In the sky

I discover
A taste a feel
On my finger tips
Touching with my very hand
In an unknown land
I realize
That I can have
Absolutely
ANYTHING !!
anything the world
Can bring

So  each and every day
Solid bricks
Fly out of me
As I build
With building blocks
Desire pushes me
Up and up
Spiraling stairways, climbing spires
Take me to the very top

And then one crooked day
Bursting bubbles, worlds collide
Broken stairs, broken bones
short end of a wish bone
Steep steps rolling down
Once again
I find I am crying
Rubble all around
Falling tumbling down

But in
Crumbling castles of desire
I find my essence purified
Like a living flower
Sweetness springs
From inside
With a song
It sings
Out loud

I only wish to hear
The sea
To feel the sand
Beneath my feet
The wind blowing
Through my hair
And take a breath
Of clean fresh air

As I am lifted
With every step
All desires fulfilled
With every stride
10 thousand steps
I walk each day
Each one filled
with
JOY!

So in this
Crumbling castle of desire
I feel a LOVE of life
In every part
I find my wishes
Just right here
Desire so very close to me
I can only feel
So blissfully

Each and every single day !

May I tell you a little secret
But please don't let anyone know

That I am not strong
But actually weak

That I don't know
where I am going
Lost in rough sea
I cling to my tiny boat
With no life jacket

That if you look at me closely
You see my house  
Is made of cards
And not brick

That every day I turn of the sound
Holding cotton to my ear
As the world sings a song
My mind doesn't want to hear

That the bravado of a ******* man
Swinging a shirt above his head
Hides a little boy
Who was bullied at school

That I am like the little girl
Who slept with every guy in town
But was actually scared  
To sleep with just one

Or the guy who could
Have every single girl
But to scared to take his pants off
So hid in the Loo

That every day I close my eyes
As I walk a narrow path
With a shear drop on either side

That I scale a rope bridge
Across a great raven
Made with a decaying wood

That I sometimes do things
I wish not to do
I will even be your play thing
If it helps me fit in

That I do not possess Rhino skin
It is actually paper thin
Every word can break my skin  

That my heart doesn't roar
But hides like a
Little Lamb stuck in
A Lion's den

Thank you for letting me
Share my little secret
But please don't let anyone know
That I am not strong
But very weak

Not knowing where I am going
I am lost in an forgotten hinterland

I used to have such direction
But now I have absolutely none.

Wondering in this place
I am lost in Outer space

Surrounded by cloud
Like cotton wool

As all my lists
Dissolve into the mist

I look north, east ,south and west
No land marks valleys or peaks

As I sniff a little heather
And become as lite as a feather

Somewhere in my stomach
I feel an empty passage

But I take a gentle breath as
Something says nothing is urgent

I am cushioned by the cosiness
of the spongy undergrowth

As I Feel myself grow I delve
Into the peaty marshes bellow

Lost in this sleepy land
I can not help but enjoy

The forgotten Hinterland

Walking through the darkness
A world made of ash
Everyday I keep on walking
My feet keep on burning

Tyrants live in temples
Made of the broken
Relaxing with their
Model girlfriend

Shareholders count their
War dividends as they send
Their children to Eton
While in a distant land
a little girl
just got Shot

Lost in the darkness
Brutality has no ending
Looking to balance the equation
Only finding a black hole
a never ending continuum

As people preach of hope
But are so often wrong
More flowers placed by
The roadside why do the good
Often die young

As single mums struggle
tormented by ex lovers
Who walk away smiling
With their new girlfriend

As the faint hearted
Seek reason where there is none
And sense in the senseless
Like broken glass
can ever have any purpose

But as good deeds do lie
Buried unseen forgotten
In their life only find ruin
Let us not betray the scattered
Lights discarded by life  
Thrown to the wind like ash
Let them be our stars

For however dim my shine
However weak I may feel
I stand with God by my side
Holding my hand

Softly whispering
" Please not you Adam
don't let me loose you
too
hang on  
let me just love you"

As I promise to hold  
Onto goodness
Like a flower
On a cliff edge

And however faint
I maybe
Like a distant star
I shine
And shine
I do
with new  hope

I softly cradle and embrace
My deepest pain
firmly but not tightly
Holding gently
Kissing her forehead lightly
Sitting quietly  
Watching over her nightly

Tenderly tucking her up
Like a great army my
My Love surrounds her
I cherish her
Like my child
As I secure her safety

I sometimes whisper
Into her ear
Late at night
" you are doing fine treasure"
But she cannot hear

As the venom of the world
Falls like rain drops of acid
Onto fresh skin
As many holes are burnt
Into my delicate heart
As I feel her many screams
But delivered by many chariots
she finds her new streams

As we find the secret passage
the hidden path
The kept secret
To keep us apart
As we find the way
Up the mountain
That had long been forgotten

As I slide through the
Many layers of pain
I find much silver,
Gold
And precious stone
With all my deep down parts yelling
I also find a
Crystal clear diamond

As hell is not my damnation
But some how my salvation
Somewhere deep in my soul
Which I treasure and hold
As I find my wounds
Become my freedom
As all cages are broken

For I welcome pain
I say,
"Come on
Come In
Sit down
have a cup of tea
Feel human again"
As I live in deep comfort
With arm chairs
But no conflict

So eagerly I confront
My many wounds
And all my pain
Rushing quickly
Like water down a mountain
I walk through the valley
But carry no doubt
Carving canyons
That forever
Hold their Beauty

Walking the narrow path
Between sensitivity and pain
Is not an easy task
But with the MAGIC
word YES
You will gain
A twinkle in your eye
The many Stars above
And a Vast Ocean

Addiction is
My something bitter
My something sweet

An unholy nightmare
I partly love
But mostly hate

My happiness ripped away
Like cement from a building
I cannot move
For inside out
I am crumbling

All around me my house is collapsing
As I find myself wide open
Standing in the rain
Which keeps falling
Just need a little more numbing

As I am bound to my body
Like an Egyptian mummy
A fight I can not win

Give me another
Another drink
Another pill
Another line

I am not sure
If I can even tell
The difference anymore

A vacuum under my feet
Where floor boards
Once met
My self esteem gone

A diminishing will that
Once stood like a mountain
Is now just empty Canyon

I am Sledging in the snow
Sliding down a mountain
But some how all
My joy has gone

My desire dissolving
Into a glass as
My heart has given in
As I fall into a drain  

Humiliated I feel
As I escape into another pill
As I am truly conquered
But not by a great army
Just my weak will

Slipping to my death
In quicksand I am sinking
And all I think is
Is Spar Open

Skidding on black ice
I can see I am about to crash
But I can not even flinch
Just have another drink

As I take another dive
If only there was
Something inside of me
That could say
Lets stay a Live

Then maybe I could pull
Myself
Out of this

My unholy nightmare
I partly love
But mostly hate

My something bitter
My something sweet
But mostly I hate

Not all defeat is bitter
Sometimes it lifts you up
Arms out stretched
Standing on a mountain

Sometimes life can be confusing
Perplexed standing on a podium
Holding a Gold Cup
While the winner
Gets a wooden spoon,
Even nothing

Sometimes defeat can give you
A little lift,
A little bounce
In your step
As though you were
Carried by an elephant

Sometimes winners crawl back
To their cages while you
Enjoy outstretched spaces
In all your vast freedom  

Sometimes defeat dresses
You in purple
Crowns you as King
And says Go On
Claim your Kingdom

Sometimes after all the
cursing,
Defying God
You realize you are cured
And God was only operating  

Sometimes after all the
Shouting and swearing
You discover the world has
Become much sweeter

And sometimes after all the
Thrashing and splashing the
The water becomes much stiller
And you see all the colour
In the coral

And sometimes when you fall
Into these deep waters
You may hear a mermaids call
Telling you your destiny's pull

Sometimes defeat can be your glory
As you find the air is brighter
And your friends are kinder
Even the birds sing louder  

Sometimes defeat is not your
Enemy but actually your saviour
Pointing you the way out
Rescuing you from a great fire

Sometimes defeat is your closest friend
Holding you tenderly like a lover
Protecting you where it matters
The outside world in tatters

I don't care because
Not all defeat, is bitter
Sometimes it lifts you up
With arms outstretched and
Places you on a mountain

Dare I fall in love again and
Tight rope across a great raven
As I let those feeling rise again

Dare I try to climb once more
My weary body and broken soul
Could not take another fall

But I have traveled the murky wood
Carried broken arrows in my heart
And some how healed every part

I have navigated past a jealous troll
Been bitten by a snake or two
But some how it made me grow

I now take a breath with sleeping beauty
And I pause within all her majesty
For tonight the stars are really bright

As she sparkles in her silent glory
I pull back bless her and let her sleep
And enjoy the space that takes me deep

As I sit with sleeping beauty enjoying a little wait
With a tooting owl in the background
On the crest of a wave it is almost exciting

Now the sun is spilling over the horizon
Like a golden syrup over fresh toast or candy  
I feel there maybe more than hope

As I dare to fall in love
Yes maybe once again
As maybe there is
now only SUN

Picking up the pieces
Now the storm has gone
Possessed I was by
A wild hurricane

As mighty winds blew fast
Broken windows, door and glass
As I now live in the debris
Of my mistaken past

Where my self destruction
Was my, favorite past time
And my stupidity was
A partner in crime

Cursed I was by my
Own devils scorn
As fire grew I burnt
Both my body and soul

But now I see in all
The scattered mess
Like a photo album
All my rich past

As I clear the ruins
Of  my broken parts
And brick by brick
I begin to rebuild

Repairing broken windows
I  let a new light in
And when sweeping the floors
I see the reflection an old self  

And I thank God it is
Time for me to rest
As all the angry fuel has
Gone from my empty chest