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Classified Apr 2014
so I can't get what I want

And what I want is to be pretty.
I know it's shallow and superficial
But I don't want to be a model
Or on the cover of magazines
Or really popular because of it.
I want to be ordinary but breathtaking.
I remember once that I saw a woman at the theatre , and I looked at her and was speechless. She was not extravagantly dressed or over loaded in make up and neither did she have incredibly skimpy clothes on
But I was literally breathless at her beauty. And I've never forgotten her.
Or that glimpse of her.

That is what I want.
I want to be a normal person who has an impact on others because of my pure beauty.

but the world is not a wish granting factory
so I can't get what I want
The italics is a true story.
And because I can't get what I want
I'm stuck  being
Repulsive
Horrifying
Disgusting
Ugly
Unattractive
Hideous
Classified Apr 2014
so I can't get what I want.*
And what I want is to be enough.

To be good enough to my parents to not make them comment about suicide.

To be good enough to my friends to actually develope a close bond with them.

To be good enough as a person to help others and make them happy.

To be good enough academically to have a good future.

To be enough as a person to not have to always prove myself
To not always have to fight
To not have people take advantage of me
To not have people treat me like crap
To not have people talk about me behind my back
To not have people mock me and make fun of me
To not have people reject me based on my gender
To not have people judge me base on my image
To not have to fight back
To not have to defend myself all the time.

I just want to be good enough.

but the world is not a wish granting factory
So I can't get what I want.
Brilliant first day back at school.
Classified Jun 2014
Its just something she does. She gets like that.
She will over think and make herself unnecessarily anxious. She might even make herself sick.
She will hate herself and think she is hideous. She might even punish herself for it.
She will freak out and stress herself out so much. She might even work herself to tears.
She will get so bad she can't control when she feels or when she's numb. She might even bring me back.

I freak her out
I make her forget
I control her.
But I'm not real and she knows that.
She just pretends to get a distraction.
I'm not real.
**She's the monster.
Interpretations?
Classified Apr 2014
But because of the kind words you
Said
Wrote
Typed
Whispered
and Sent
To me
It is not a permanent goodbye
Or even the though of one.

Because of what you have
Said
Written
Typed
Whispered
and Sent
To me
It is just a silly goodnight note
From a stupid girl
To an amazing person,
An unimportant rambling
From a insignificant girl
To a monumental person
A pointless letter
From a waste-of-space girl
To a superior person
A unnecessary reminder
From a useless girl
To the most valued person

This is a goodnight
And a have a good weekend
And a enjoy your next few days
From a horrible person
A repulsive person
A unenjoyable person
To a great man
A fantastic man
A most enjoyable person


*Goodbye
I am/was away for the weekend and won't  be communicating/wasn't communicating
But I hope you enjoy/ed the exchange
Classified Mar 2014
Just because I'm better
Doesn't mean I'm good.

Just because I'm alive
Doesn't mean I'm living.

Just because I'm smiling
Doesn't mean I'm happy.

Just because I'm complying
Doesn't mean I'm not rebellious.

Just because I'm not crying
Doesn't mean I'm not sad.

Just because I'm talking
Doesn't mean I'm friendly.

Just because I'm not alone
Doesn't mean I want your company.

Just because I'm quiet
Doesn't mean I'm not thinking.

Just because I don't disagree
Doesn't mean you're right.

Just because I've cured the symptoms
Doesn't mean I've cured the disease.

Just because I don't cut
Doesn't mean I don't want to.

Just because I haven't killed myself
Doesn't mean I want to live.

Just because I've cured the symptoms
Doesn't mean I've cured the disease.


Just because I'm writing
Doesn't mean I'm okay.


This is not a poem, This is how I get my brain to shut up.

Just because I haven't cut
Or burned
Or bruised
Or broken
Or sliced
Or injured
Or torn apart
any part of me
for months
Does not mean the thoughts
Ideas
And wishes
Have been dispelled from my mind.
I still dream of suicide
Crave to cut
Wish to burn myself
And pray to hurt.
Because I haven't followed through on my thoughts
Yet
Does not mean that I don't lay in bed
Unable to sleep
And unable to escape the thought
And desire
To carve the names of those who have impacted my life
Played a big part in my story
And carve your names into my lower left thigh
Using my favorite and most used blade.
Because I haven't followed through on my thoughts
Yet
Does not mean I have not formulated many plans to **** myself
Hang myself while my family is out
'Accidentally' stumble in front of a car while out for a run
Slice my wrists
Jump off a building
Or my more creative ideas
Just because I have not acted on my thoughts
Yet
Does not mean I have not come up with uncountable amounts of ways to hurt myself
And ways to cover it up.
Methods and excuses.
To grate my knuckles and blame it on art or boxing.
To slice and cross my knees-I fell.
Or the classic "the cat did it"
Or my most used "I scraped it against a wall"

Just because I have cured the symptoms
Does not mean I have cured the disease



Just because I don't talk about my feelings
Doesn't mean they aren't there.

Just because I don't tell you about it
Doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Just because I keep quiet
Doesn't mean I have nothing to say.

Just because I say "it's chilled"
Doesn't mean I'm okay with it.

Just because I cover it up
Doesn't mean it's not there.

Just because I conceal it
Doesn't mean I don't feel it.

Just because I write
Doesn't mean I will talk.

Just because I share
Doesn't mean I'll show you.

Just because I talk
Doesn't mean I'll say something worthwhile.

Just because I think
Doesn't mean I'll do.

Just because I pretend
Doesn't mean it's true.

Just because I breathe
Doesn't mean I want to.

Just because I care about you
Doesn't mean you'll return the feelings.  

Just because I notice things about you
Doesn't mean you will do the same to me.

*JUST BECAUSE I HAVE CURED THE SYMPTOMS
DOESN'T MEAN I'VE CURED THE DISEASE.
It's 11:27. This isn't a poem, it's how I get my brain to shut up.
This wasn't intended to be any good or anything, I know it's crap, I know it's dark and I know it's mildly graphic. But hopefully writing will help somewhat.
So now I will try sleep
And I will probably dream of Him again
Or have nightmares again
Or both
Then I will have an awfully lonely day
Clear out my room while home alone
And feel terribly abandoned by my friends and the people I care(d) about that I thought felt the same.
And I will feel like crap.
And I should probably sleep now. Or try at least.

Sorry about all this, it's terribly stupid and no one who reads this (if anyone does) will care about what I'm saying because
I Don't Matter.
Classified Jun 2014
"Your mom got ****** and said 'oh ****' there's you for an ugly daughter."
"you're more of a man than anyone could be"
"******* ****"
"I hate you"*

i look at myself in the mirror for one last time.
i recall those words, those insults you used to chime.

walking away from my reflection, while a tear rolls down my cheek
i cannot help but to think of all the times i used to be so weak.

crossing the room as i gather up my strength
to breathe deep my final breath.

reaching my destination
I pick up the gun in anticipation

putting my finger on the trigger and the muzzle to my head
i  try not to think about what it's like to be dead.

i close my eyes, whisper a silent goodbye
as the breath leaves my body and I become lifeless and die.
Feel free to share your thoughts.
Classified Jul 2014
I can see them in my mind.
I can see the picture of these hideous creatures standing in my room.
They're all smiling at me.
They're as dark as the room around me
Lacking the same amount of light as my soul.
They are friendly.
They are the only ones actually here.
Everyone else has got their own lives to deal with.
But these guys?
Their lives are centered around me.
But the way I imagine they look must har stemmed from somewhere, right?
The image I have of them came from the way try act.
I picture them as clawed beings with razor fingers that kiss every part of me
Leaving scars and reminders of our relationship.
I see them as cloaked figures
With long looped rope clothing them
The nooses that they wrap around me to comfort me.
I see them as thoughtful creatures
The ones who plant that seed in my mind of cut cut cut
**** **** ****
.
see these creatures smiling
As everyone will be when I am dead.
These creatures call me to them
At night
When they blend in
And won't be judged by others.
These creatures are my friends because I am just as ugly as them
And have done everything they have done to me.
Classified Apr 2014
you're going to cry yourself to sleep tonight
               That is what they tell me
                                    what I tell me
I know.
                     I reply to them
                                       to me
why will you cry?
  because you're alone?
    because you're lonely?
      because you're pathetic?
        because you're worthless?
          because you're not enough?
            because* no one wants you?
They taunt
                   ask
                         mock
                                   I taunt
                                               ask
                                                      mock
This is awful and unfinished. I didn't know where I was going with this am lost the whole idea along the way.
Sorry for posting.
Kinda messing around with layout though
Classified Apr 2014
I wish she knew

I wish I knew what I was thinking.
I wish he knew

She is beautiful

His words are beautiful

Good God she is beautiful.
Rapture

I hate myself for what I have done to him.

I need to get drunk*

I need to bleed myself dry of my thoughts of him

I'll collect my tears

I'll throw away my blood

In a jar the size of my love for myself

I'll chose a blade as sharp as my feelings for him

I'm actually going to try for once

I should have let him go

I'll get roses and a bowl of ice

I'll get my rope, get my knife. I'll get that which I've collected to end my life.

To catch the blood drop for everytime she says no

I should just leave, just go. It's not like he will ever know.

Then I'll take that bowl, put it in front of her, break it and say " well now that we have broken the ice....."

I know I will miss the lips I never got to kiss, but I must go.

Then I'll just break myself , what I am, thinking she would never love me

I will never be good enough for him, I am only robbing him of his happiness and making his life grim.

That's is, I'm calling her now (calls her)

I should say goodbye , but I'll never be able to face the pain. I'll just **** myself now so he can start to benefit and gain (cuts her wrists)

(Your phone rings) don't back out now

(Answers and says "goodbye ")

*I knew it (walks to his drawer, finds his gun and screams "die" and is gone)
Italic parts written by I Wish I Could Cry
Classified Jul 2014
The numbness gave way to pain
Leaving me wanting to hurt myself again.

Engulfed by the darkness
Or lack of life
My shadow has deserted me
And my demons have gifted me with a knife.

I don't want to cut
Or obey
I don't want to hurt
Or do what they say

They want me to burn
And cry
And break down
Leaving the pieces- a million and one

I don't want to leave the people I love
Or sacrifice the oppertunity to rise above
I don't want to die tonight
But they want me to.

I'm out numbered
By more-than-I-can-count to one.
And there are enough of them to block out the sun
And destroy my light.

They come bearing gifts
Of thoughts and feelings
The ones I cast aside
Along with t demons

But they raised hell
And brought an army
They're here to ruin me
And **** me

They sent my shadow away
And none of my friends are here to stay.
They've come to unleash their wrath
And keep the numbness at bay

My demons are here to choke the happiness out of me
Starve me of optimism
Bleed me dry of happiness
And drown me in sorrow

They're here to make up for lost time
They won't waste a moment
They're moving in for the ****
And I'll die without my motivation or will
Horse crap and complete bull. I know.
Classified Apr 2014
I am not who I seem
I will never be that girl from your dream.

If you start to care
You'll see what isn't there
You will see past that girl who wears black and scowled at pink and dresses
Wants to be a rebel
Wants to be a badass
Wants to be cool
You will learn to see past that exterior
You will know I'm not all attitude and insults
You will realize that that girl who cusses and fights isn't all there is

Then maybe you'll see deeper.
There's another girl
One who wants to dress up
Feel pretty
Wants to be a princess
Someone who wants to be like the people she admires
A little girl who wants to be cute with a guy
Someone who wants to skip around and be one of those lead people in the movies
Someone who cares
Loves
Laughs
Appreciates beauty in butterflies
Tries to help her friends
Loves very easily and quickly
Deep down you'll see that I'm actually a fragile softie who cares too quickly
Gets hurt too easily
And apologizes too much.

Even below that is the person who is unhappy
The one who is self hate
Stupidity
Recklessness
Self-destruction
The little sad girl that slits her skin and cries herself to sleep

But maybe I you manage to survive all that without letting all my **** destroy you (like it has so many others)
Then maybe
Just maybe
You'll get to meet Them
The part of me that created the 5 minute death game
The part that looked up how to tie a noose
And the one that collects pills
The self torturous part
Not just the fel pitying part

And then maybe if you manage to get through all of that you will find my heart
Cut up
Shattered
Bruised
Scarred
Stitched
And infected
Chained to the walls I build around myself
Pulling me apart
The heart that has bullet holes and battle wounds
The one leaving blood stains on what was my soul
The black mass of hell that is at the center of my being.
An if you're stupid enough, you'll make me love you.
But to be honest , I don't know who the **** I am.
Classified Feb 2015
I feel that if our relationship were w video game
We had reached a check point.
And continued to strive further
But then yesterday killed you for a moment and set you back to the last saved point.
I know you're strong enought to take it, but I feel awful.
You're forgiven though.
I love you and I'm sorry for yesterday.
Classified Jul 2014
If you were a cigarette
I'd be the lighter.
The flames that rip through your body
Destroy you completely
Burns you to the core
And leaves you as nothing

The smoke will be the memory of us
Passed on and second hand to fade away as quickly as it came to be.

If you were a cigarette
I'd be a lighter
Erupting with danger
Causing pain at the touch
And going along with anyone who takes a fancy to what they see on the surface
Anyone who pockets me
Ready to burn the life out of more cigarettes
More like you
And lose a little of myself in the process.
Throw me away as soon as you can. Don't let me hurt you.
Classified Apr 2014
The sky was not a pitch black
But an inviting charcoal glow
Illuminated by only the full moon and twenty seven stars We sighted.

With the hard ground beneath us
And the cold all around us
After the silent goodnight
All boundaries dissolved into the bitter chill.

I savored the look of his peaceful sleeping face, so close to mine
And the sound of his deep breathing when he drifted off to sleep.
But most of all, I cherished the warmth of him near me
And he did the same
But I will never forget how wonderful it felt to have that slight contact with Him
And the feeling that I make things more pleasant for Him
C.G
Classified Mar 2014
I have a hamartia. A fatal flaw.
For some its smoking, others pride, arrogance, ignorance, but mine is fear.
Some question how I am so fearless.
Others tell me to drop the act.
But my answer to both of those comments , is you're wrong. I'm not fearless or acting. I am fear itself.
It has not consumed me, but created me.
I live on is, strive on it and will die because of it.
So yes, I have a hamartia. A fatal flaw. It is fear. And it will be the death of me.
Classified Mar 2014
I haven't written in a while
Because I've been kidding myself that I'm okay.
But the truth is
I only feel when I am about to decay.

I write becuse it makes sense
When my thoughts do not.
But when I cover it up
I do too well.
I actually believe it.
But then I'm worse when I break, because I actually believed I had fixed a part of myself.

My biggest problem though, is fixing a part of me with you. Because then I break so much more when something goes wrong.

And I break
Crumble
Shatter.

And it's worse because its not just You. It's Him. And Them.
And nothing is going right right now
So I write.
Because I can't cry.
Because I refuse to be that weak.
I refuse to be who I was. Yet I won't let her go.

But right now
I'm broken
And bruised
And scarred
In pieces
Alone.
Rambling of a pretty messed up freak.
Classified Aug 2014
I feel so abandoned and alone
I'm losing my heart, I'm losing my home.

I feel so abandoned in the dark.
I feel like an old swing set in a park.

My purpose is to raise others from the ground,
Lift them up and swing them 'round.
.
I'm there for their entertainment and fun,
Until they run of with the sun.

Then I am so abandoned in the park.
*** is this... Fml
Classified May 2014
Why do you write?
i write because it helps me get to know myself better and understand what is going on in my head, what I'm feeling and how to get through it. It helps me figure out how to deal with my desires and secrets
-shrug- boredom

Why do you think so badly about yourself?
because its true and I'm awful and horrible and rude and violet and unlovable and unaffectionate and mean and spiteful and ****** and hideous
i just do

I love you
i love you too, but you'll leave and I can't tell you how I feel and maybe I'm reading too much into it and maybe you don't mean it in the way I interpret it and you'll move on and get over it and no one can ever love me, it's not true
**thanks
Interpret if you want. My writing isn't going anywhere these days. Ugh. No comment.
Classified Jun 2014
No one notices, until she tells them.
No one cares until it affects them.

She's falling apart
She's crying
She's begging you
She's on the edge
She's about to give up
She's in too deep
She's drowning in her tears
She's sad
She's getting bad again
She needs you.

But you won't notice until you read this.
And no one will care until it affects them.
Really awful piece, I don't know , it feels forced. I'm sorry
Classified Sep 2014
wrap me in Your dark embrace
pull me close
kiss my neck
my wrists
my scars.

make me fall for You
when i've got the noose around my neck.

people are scared of you
but i don't fear you any more
our late night meetings have got me aquatinted with you
You're always there for me
even in my shadows absence

You overwhelm me
take my breath away
make my hear skip a beat
or stop beating all together

We have a date
and i'm counting down the days until i finally meet you
all the teasing
taunting
half meeting
i will be with You
we will be one.

take me away with You
forever
my love
let us live in our kingdom
Open to interpretation, let me know what you think. I know exactly what I was referring to and who I was talking about, but let me know what you think.
Classified Mar 2014
Everyone
Has that one habit
Or method
To cope
And deal with the
Pains
And horrors of life.

Some try drown their demons in alcohol
Others try to bleed them dry with a blade
A few turn to flight from a drug  to flee their inner monsters
And some even run and hide.

I have gone through stages.  
First thoughts
Then actions.
I started with the idea.
And I grew weaker.
Eventually, I didn't think
I just cut.
If I felt
I cut.
To numb the pain of feeling
And to turn my emotional trauma into physical pain.
If I didn't feel
I cut.
To take away that numbness
And to make me feel, so I knew I was alive.

Now that my best friend- my chosen blade- has abandoned me
Just like everyone else
Because everyone leaves
I run
And I swim
And I hide away in my own body armor- my shell.
To get away from this hell
And I dedicate my time to try help others
But I've been getting weaker
And weaker
My mind has become bleaker
And I am tempted.

I am not fine
And that makes it harder for me to help others.
I cannot help others as effectively when there is no one to help me.
But I don't need help.
I will dedicate my last breath to making You happy. I swear on my pathetic life
I  will  **be what you deserve.
I don't know. Stupidness.  It's morning, I'm over thinking, didn't sleep well, so, vent or something? I'm not sure.  
I just haven't written about SH for a while...
Classified Mar 2014
You get me high as a kite
Make me wanna dance all night
And that's only when I hear from you.

You bring me down like a bomb
When we can't talk and you're gone
And that's only when I don't hear from you for a week.

You make me think
You make me feel
And I realize this may be real

You make me think
You make me feel
How on earth can this be real

You build me up
You bring me down
But I know it's all in my head
When I'm thinking alone in my bed

I know it's true that you care for me
You've opened up my heart like you had a key.
(I know it's true you care for me)

You made me think
You made me feel
How will I know if this is real?

You make me think
You make me feel
And when I see your eyes I know this is real.
I think this is a biggest load of ******* I have ever written. What the hell...
Classified Feb 2014
The only reason you care so much is because it happened to Him
If it happened to me, I swer, you wouldn't be half as grim.

I've apologised, I've cried
And I honestly wish I had died.

I know what I did and said was wrong
But I've apologised so much it's as if I'm a mainstream repetitive song.

However , you calling me pathetic does nothing to help your side
And im struggling to just take this in my stride.

I understand that what I did was unnecessary and mean
But that was never my intention and you might understand if you didn't have to act like a queen

Yes! I know I behaved like an awful **
But I see in me making a mistake, you finally took your pick  

You eventually chose him over me,
And now I'm left to watch and see.

I would undo it if I could, in a heartbeat,
But it was stupid of me to think you'd stay and not make me feel like *******, although that's no feat.

Forgive my stupidity and irrationality
I hope you'll be able to live from now on peacefully.
I'm a stupid f*****g d**k and I'm so so so sorry...
And yes, I do know that I'm pathetic
Classified May 2017
Be as weary of Perfection as She is of You.


She'll become a craving, a need, a drug.

It starts off slow, until you get a taste.

Dark, inevitable, curious and sloppy; You get your first taste of Her. Casual and carefree, sloppy and fluid.
Blissful.

It picks up momentum when you go back.

Hopeful, deliberated, secondguessed and spontaneous; You get your second taste of Her. Slow and careful, foreign and desired.
Blissful.

It gathers speed when you stumble back.

Wanted, craved, longed for and dreamed about; You get your third taste of Her. Rushed and impulsive, lust-filled and needy.
Blissful.

It goes downhill when you are already waiting.

Anticipated, eager, excited and anxious; You get your fourth taste of Her. Explosive and passionate, raw and craved.
Blissful.

Gaining momentum and escalating further when you do not leave.

Built-up, painful, needed and difficult.
You get your fifth taste of Her. Rough and sharp, painful and needed.
Blissful.

Now you have the taste and it's no longer controlled.

Dangerous, destructive, unsustainable and fascinating. You want more of Her. Curious and captivating, different and the exception.
Blissful.

Inevitable in its destruction and absence when you fall.

Poisonous, addictive, toxic and intoxicating. You need Her. Craved and harmful, exciting and deadly.
Blissful?


Be as weary of Perfection as She is of you.
You'll get hooked on the feeling. A.R.C
Classified May 2014
What happened to that adorable  little girl?
The one with the outrageously curly hair,
That girl who would always be smiling
And never wearing clothes,
That little girl who never spoke for herself,
But always ordered black currant juice or ice cream,
The one who'd follow anyone who smiled at her,
The girl who was as sweet as all the sugar she consumed,
The one who refused to go to school but had water fights instead.
What happened?


What happened to that cute kid,
Who loved her family,
And would always play games,
The one who loved being outside,
And thought that showering wasted too much time because there was so much to do.
That girl that did everything and anything her sister told her to.
The child that played dress up,
Loved pink,
And ran around in dresses.
What happened to that girl that was popular,
Loved by almost everyone ,
The kind child that had loads of friends.
What happened?

What happened?


What happened is that I killed her.
Every time I insulted her
A part of her died.
Every time I compared her to her sister,
Every time I told her she was alone,
Every time I made her feel lonely,
Every time I made her feel unloved,
Every time I told her that no one cares,
Everytime I told her everyone leaves,
Everytime I isolated her,
Everytime I made her feel hopeless,
Everytime I gave her a reason to regret ,the beginning of a new day,
I killed a part of her.
Everytime I cut her
I tore away a piece of her soul.
And when I tried to **** her, I finally murdered that child.

That girl I used to be died the moment I put my thoughts into actions.
She's dead.
And it's my fault.
No comment from my part. Feel free to say whatever you want, or nothing at all. Thanks for reason my pathetic thoughts that I cannot comprehend entirely.
Fml
Classified Apr 2014
What upset you?
That He chose Her over You?

                          No.

What upset you      is
That He will never have to chose between Her and You
Because
You
  are
   so
    Ugly
     Stupid
      Repulsive
       Annoying
        Pointless
         Worthless
          Unwanted
           Unnecessary
            Space waster
             Good for nothing
               Disgrace of humanity
That no one would every chose you
Especially not when given an option
  as amazing as Her
        
        And no one half as brilliant as
     He is would ever look at you
        twice


Him being nice to you means nothing - he is a kind person
You being there for Him means nothing - you were the only one online
Her being with Him means everything - he really likes her


So what upset you?
The fact that you're not worth so much as knowing your name,
   let alone choosing over someone
   else.
Classified Apr 2014
You asked me do I hate you
You asked me do I believe you
You asked me why I trust you

What was your intention ?

When I answered
No
Yes
Yes

What was your intention

Did you aim to make me hate you
Did you try to make me disbelieving
Did you want to break my trust in you

What was your intention

I told you to hurt me.
You said no
No
No
No
No
No
NO

What was your intention

I dared you to hurt me
And you said you would never intentionally hurt me

What was your intention

And then you did
And you told me it was intentional

What was your intention

What the **** do you want from me??!
What the **** do you want me to do??!
What the **** was I thinking??!
What the **** was your intention??!
I know you hurt
I know you cry
I know you don't want to breathe
And I'm sorry
I'm so so sorry
...
Classified Mar 2014
We want to be noticed.
We want to be more than just a name  Or a face.
Or a label  Or a race.
We do t want to be just a stereotype,
A generalization.
We want to be known as more than African, Greek or Taiwanese.

We want to be noticed.

I am neither proud nor ashamed to be an African.
I am me.
I am some of the best and worst parts if an African. Of a person.
Of a daughter, sister, friend.
But I am me.

We all want to die a heroes death,
To be remembered,
Go down fighting, like so many of the people that shaped our country to make it what it is today.
But do you think they all put themselves in harms way to be famous after they died?
Do you believe Nelson Mandela fought for freedom so he could get a stature of himself?
Or places named after him?
Or to get his face on our money?

I am neither proud nor ashamed to be an African.
But I am content to live a life that will not make it into the newspaper , or history books.

I am content to live and die as a person I want to be.

I am neither proud nor ashamed to be an African. But I am honored to feature in others lives.
I want to be noticed for being a person I am proud of, not ashamed of.
And not only and African, but an **individual
Speech I wrote for English. Topic: I am ashamed to be an African or I am proud to be an African.

The quote used in the title is credited to John Green. Taken from " The Fault In Our Stars".
I take no credit for the quote, nor the book.

Thank you for reading.
Classified Jun 2014
I am scarred.
That is who I am.
I'm a F R E A K
         A
  B  I  T C H

WEAK

And I always will be.
Because even if those words fade from my skin
They will never fade from my heart or mind.

All the tines I tried to fix myself by breaking my skin
All the times I tried to repeat myself by tearing my flesh
All the times I tried to get a high by putting myself down
Are etched on my skin

And that is who I am.  

I am scarred.
Not because of what everyone else did,
But because of the way I dealt with it.
That is why I haven't been scarred
I am Scarred.
And no one will ever love me because of it
Classified Apr 2014
I was amazing.
Genuinely happy.
I was confident, comfortable and enjoying myself.
I was incontrol
I was valued
I was needed
And I was with my family.
I felt safe with Him. With Them. And with everyone else.
It was fabulous.
It was cold.
It was tiring.
And it did not consist of much sleep
But I was happy and comfortable and I got to know Them more.
But it was fun and enjoyable.

But now
With Him gone.
Without Them.
It returns to normal.
It returns to that which I hate.
It is the routine that you cannot seem to break out of.
It is that constant drone of information,
Beig criticized,
And noise.
It is bed, eat, school, sport, homework, eat, sleep, repeat. And it is only music that can get me through. As D said.
But without Him or Them ,
Those who I feel are my family
I am alone.
Because my school friends don't feel like friends at all anymore.
And I can no longer find the motivation to breathe.

I don't know why I crash so badly after beig high,
But I can't take the bad with the good when the good is no longer sweet.
So I turn to my blade,
My only friend to keep.
Crashing. Hard.
Classified Jun 2014
Words never seem to suffice when feelings are involved
My tongue ties in knots even a scout would walk away from when emotions get mixed in

I'm either detached
Or over attached

I'm scared or angry or sad
I want to comfort you and make you joyous and happy

My factory setting is numb and I revert to that when I have to be objective or help people

When you open your heart I close mine because that is my default reaction

Claw at me
Scratch me
Bite me
To open my heart

Kiss me
Love me
Comfort me
To clear the numbness

Break my bad habits
Not my heart.
I don't know, trying to prevent numbness but its not working. Bad writing, I know.
Classified Aug 2014
Now I want to find out yours.

I want to know the story behind every cut and scar, as I kiss your forearms.

I want to know what you love, as I trace my finger tips over every part of your body.

I want to hear your secrets murmured just for me, with my lips pressed to your neck.

I want to find out your dreams, while I send you to sleep.

I want to make you never want to die, as I hug you for the first time.

I've told you mine, now will you share yours with me...
I know this is ****, but I wrote it for you anyway. I know you won't see it though. And if you do, you won't know it's yours. J.***

— The End —