It's late
The air outside is heavy and dense
And the sky is a soft blanket

The sidewalks are the only indication it's raining
And the fog that hangs under the streetlights
Casts a shadow

I still hurt

can
someone
please
just
*******
shoot
me
before
the
sun
rises
over
the
hills
of
my bedsheets?

It's nearly
one in
the morning
and the
peaks of
my hips
are digging
into my
spine.

Soon the
sun will
be doing
the same
to the
ozone layer.

Stop making my head ache
And my bones quake

The sun hasn't shone in weeks
Because of the shadow you're casting

Sometimes I think that I see you out of the corner of my eye
But I realize I am mistaken because when you left this time

You  took your coat with you

Some things are better left alone
Like the pile of notes I have hidden under my mattress

All addressed to you, of course

Or the sweater that I can somehow stand to wear
Buried in my closet

From you, of course

And the slip of paper that has the first time you said "I love you" to me
Written on it

I actually think I threw it away, of course

Finally,
I need to leave alone the memories of you kissing me in the passenger seat of your car
And the time we picked sunflowers and pet the Shetland pony that lived next to your old house
Or the one moment we sat in your room and played the piano like we were revealing our souls

yeah
I need to throw all those away too

I know I stare at you like a *****
I can't help it
I know I lose my smile when I see you
It's automatic
I know I distance myself from your presence
Reactionary
I know you hate me
It's understandable
I know I dislike you
It's obvious
I know I'm done with you
A long time ago

Let me re-introduce myself to you.

My name is Being Terrified of Love.
I shiver when I cry and I breathe too loudly when I sleep.
But you already know that.

My skin is cold most of the time.
I have an uncanny ability to disappear into any blanket near me.
But you already know that too.

Sometimes my eyes don't know how to focus on you.
My lips turn white when I get angry.
And who am I kidding, you've known that too

Let me re-introduce myself to you.

My name is An Old Lover Who Still Loves You.
I hardly ever cry anymore and my hands hold my anxiety.
But

*you already know that.

The world is a little ****** sometimes
But who cares?
I don't
I just am tired of worrying about the opinions
And the judgments
She is so quiet
Why can't they all just be quiet
I don't point out their flaws
She looks anorexic
Okay, maybe I do
But not like them
God, she wears the dumbest things
I am just, tired
That's......
That's about it
Tired.....
Yeah

Dear old lover,
old friend
old man-of-my-dreams,

It's late at night, although not late enough for it to be considered the saddening hour. I've missed you recently. Why? I couldn't tell you. It's probably something in the weather, in the moon, telling me "it's time for you to begin the missing again." Why you? Even more of a mystery.

We're talking again. "Talking." Sending messages as the strangest of strangers, as people who sort of still know all the secrets, who still sort of talk like maybe nothing has changed. Except now I construct my responses with the delicate intention of keeping my brick walls built around the space in my past dedicated to you.

I hope you're well. In the sense that maybe you still think of me every once in a while. In the sense that maybe you're forgetting how much you used to love me.

Sincerely,
Claire
*(past mistake)

Dear old light,
old "what-if",
old "The One",

I wish I could remember more about our trip to Chicago. I think that I was so lost in the sheer lovesickness of it all. The long long days spent in that busy city, and the nights that I swear I could feel God inside me when we made love in our dreams.

If I had maybe paid a little more attention to the way you stared out at the lake and waited for the tide to take you, or maybe if I had taken more notice of the way your mouth didn't smile all the way, we'd be a different part of our lives right now. I thought I was the only one. I thought I was the only one.

I've asked the question so many times it's like the thought never leaves, but why did you keep on persuading me that I was your sun and moon when she was lingering on the back of your tongue while I kissed you with too much hunger and too little love? You should have left me alone, should have left me to starve on the side of my dimly lit road. But if I remember correctly, you devoured me with just as much greed as my body was willing to give.

I'm.....not as bitter. As I used to be. But that doesn't mean I'm not bitter at all. "I forgive you" would sound sweet coming out of my mouth except if I gave you that, you'd keep pulling more from the pits of my stomach and my heart. Or maybe I'd just keep throwing it up.

With some sort of forgiveness,
Claire
*(past regret)

If you read this know these things:

I'm sitting here eating Life cereal right out of the box and if that doesn't taste like childhood then I'm not sure what does

This cereal isn't giving me what I need: life

It's ******* 1 in the morning and my head hurts like a ***** for some reason I can't explain but it's been hurting ever since you told me goodbye

I put a heated blanket on my bed because this winter seemed a helluva lot colder than last but it could also be because you disappeared at night

Tonight is one of those nights that I can't really breath right, like there's something that pinches my lungs together everytime I inhale

Remember when it rained and we talked about the thunder and I could hear it through the phone. I don't think I'd ever been happier because I knew you were right there on the other side listening to the same things

There was something beautiful about the fact that we couldn't be more than 2 feet away from each other during class time freshman year.

It's dawned on me that we literally spent our whole junior year not saying more than two words to each other.

Remember when we used to be friends and we smiled at each other and we had conversations and we told each other our secrets

Do you ever think about the fact that I still know those secrets

There's something terrifying in knowing you have all of mine too....

I hope you've lost all memory of what I shared with you.

Maybe it will give us a fresh start.

There are tress falling down around me
I'm getting cut with their branches
Leaves tangling in my hair and getting caught in my throat
I'm gasping for air, choking

Lightning is striking the ground a mere two inches from my feet
I can feel the electricity sizzling through my bones
It hurts, baby
It hurts

I can't help but to sit down sometimes and wish
You would walk into my room, baby
Say that I'll be alright
Lay a hand on my arm and leave

There's so much crashing down in my life
But I want something solid to hold on to
An arm, a hand, a neck to drape my lifeline around
And that's just the problem, baby

I can't depend on anybody because
I always strangle the trust from them

I had wanted to make sure that you knew how much i would always love you
but looking back, i wish i had said "i hate your guts" instead

Oh God
He likes me
Oh Lord
He likes me
I think I like him
I know I like him
First date gone by
Winter formal dance
The words coming from his mouth next
"Looking forward to the next date."
Had my stomach tied in knots
Climbing out of his Mercedes Benz
With the broken radio
And the heat on full blast
A smirk
A smile
A raised eyebrow
A nod of the head
A kiss?
Too soon, perhaps
He a junior, me a sophomore
We could go places
The mall
Photo booth Polaroids
Strung about my room
Shared laughs
Long nights
Tired eyes
Upraised mouths
A relationship?
Maybe
A friend?
Definitely.

i. i've never loved with anything but sadness. of course this time is no different. shouldn't i crave the happiness that comes with loving another human? i find that dread somehow creeps its way into my sleep whenever i begin getting hopeful, and that itself is sad. loving is my way of keeping that sadness in my bones.

ii. the first time i kissed you was the first time i found what home was. the first time i made you laugh was the first time i wanted to hear something forever. the first time i saw you cry was the first time i wanted cradle someone until they forgot why they were crying. the first time i said 'i love you' to your face was the first time i knew this was the absolute most truthful thing i'd ever said.

iii. if i could gather all the times you made me feel small, i'd have a fortune of anger. the feeling of your normally tender voice slicing open my cheek made me rich with pain. enduring all of your sadness was worth the wealth of love i thought i was getting.

iv. i went to college eight months into our newborn relationship and although it was only an hour away you felt like we were parting ways for good. i was prepared for the distance, but not ready for it. our hearts snapped apart like rubber bands at the eve of that ninth month and distance has been a fear since then.

v. i was proud of what i was doing, proud of everything i thought i was going to accomplish. i was not as proud of you as i could have been. my pride kept me going and kept you at an endless arm's length away. while i bloomed, you withered.

I will look at you out of the corner of my eye and smile, perhaps just grin, because you are beautiful and you are my human being. That’s how I’ll prove it.

I will wake up during the night while you are tossing and turning and I will lay a hand on your cheek, trace patterns into the skin of your back and whisper kisses into your eyelids. I will tell you how lovely you are and press my lips to your temples, to your jawline. That’s how I’ll prove it.

I will keep giving you glasses of water when you are sick and running a fever and I will force cup after cup into your hands when you’ve a little too much to drink, because hangovers can be a *****, and I don't like to see you hurting. That’s how I’ll prove it.

I will braid your hair and run my fingers through the knots until the strands are like water and silk and I will tug on it ever so lightly. That’s how I’ll prove it.

And I will crawl in bed beside you and kiss the hollow between in your collarbone and I will kiss your chin and both of your shoulders and breathe you in because your skin is so soft and warm. I will rest my cheek on your chest and listen to that heartbeat, strong and low and consistent because to hear you being alive makes me alive. That’s how I’ll prove it.

And I will love you. I will love you. I will love you.

That’s how I’ll prove it.

I repeal my previous statement that love prevails
Alas, it does not

Somehow I thought I could be six feet underground and still love you to death

*But I've figured out that once you're buried that deep, you can't dig yourself out.

if i love you
then you're lucky
if i hate you
you're also lucky
because that means that you knew something enough
about me
to cause me to feel either way

maybe once the wind stops howling around my ears
i'll be able to stop screaming your name at the top of my lungs
because you left me to the mercy of a storm that not even the news can forecast
and i don't know if it's worth fighting against anymore
all i can think of is what your face felt like cradled in my palms
or what your voice sounded like in my ears when i couldn't hear anything but waves
i think it sounded like drowning
it was so beautiful

i'm still trying to figure out how to tell someone i love
that i don't want to exist anymore on this earth
how are you supposed to say that
killing yourself sounds like a better option than suffering through life with half a mind

i think about what people would do if i were to die
would they cry?
would they pretend they were my friend and wish they'd talked to me longer?
i don't think feigning relationships is such a good way to say goodbye
but hell
at least i'd be known to have a lot of friends

it makes me sad to think that my body has gotten so tired
that i fall asleep in my classes when i used to be the only one awake
it's almost like i'm 80 years old on the inside and my heart is failing with my lungs
and i'm 16 on the outside with bags the shades of night
i'm peppered with bruises the colour of magenta but i find they bring me comfort
it lets me know i'm not the only thing breaking

my veins are too

Grab my arms and pin them behind my arching back, bending and bowing towards you
Like a willow tree caught in a mighty squall

Lay a hand on my stomach, hold me still, silence my sighs of pleasure
As audible as a whisper of something to come

The feeling of pleasure peaked high and strong, beautiful and strong
Like a wave of northern lights shimmering miles above the ground, strong

I need to feel like you want me as bad as I want you,
Because right now I can think of nothing besides you making love to me

Beneath guilt ridden stars and washed out constellations

please put your hands around my neck
i need to feel like i'm choking from someone rather than nothing
make me feel like i'm being crushed by by a weight
because right now i'm being crushed by loneliness
give me a physical entity to hate rather than a feeling i just miss
put me in a sauna
that would be more bearable than the heat of your stare
please
make me feel like i've died inside because
that would feel a whole lot better than feeling like
i have just a shell

it's an unlove sort of thing, rancid and vaguely rotting. it sweeps through the room when your name is mentioned. unpleasant, enticing, a quickening of breath and onslaught of dread.

the sinner knows when he has sinned, but sinners also believe they are not sinners. your boldfaced words, not quite lies, but not full truths are the accusations of unjust recollections coming from our half moon mouths.

the ones who fall in love with you offer you stained letters from the palms of deteriorating hands. the ink runs through the quagmire of rusted paper, delicately flowering bruises on parchment paper stems.

you told me kind things that sprouted kind fingers and evicted my kindness from the depths of my hollowed out femur, from the depths of my marrowless ulna, my rattling phalanges. you ****** it through my teeth and separated it from my breath. the kindness has been replaced by marrow once more.

the girls all look around and see morbid mirrored horror, the suffocating love they all mimic, with him at the center, a spinning dial slowing to land on his next curiosity, his next sweet-marrowed banshee.

I swore off love the moment you told me you were in love with her instead.

But it's impossible to swear off of something you contain so much of.

I give and give and give.

And even when I am done with the giving, I find something else.

I'll search through my veins and rummage in the depths of my lungs.

I am nothing short of selfish, except when I find someone who needs air more than myself.

And then, I'll breathe for them.

If you considered me a saint before, look at me as a martyr now.

Some things weren't meant to be

*i guess that included you and me

I miss you

There, I said it.

I miss you like I miss being a child. So innocently and so tenderly.
I miss you like I miss crying in my bed every night. So harshly and so hatefully.
I miss you like I miss how watermelon tasted sitting on my back porch in the dead heat of the summer. So wistfully and so nostalgically.
I miss you like I miss hating myself. So forcefully and so violently.
I miss you like I miss playing with my dad in that small backyard with the garden and playhouse. So kindly and so gently.

I miss you.

There, I said it.

And I'll miss you for even longer than just now.
I'll miss the small speckles of kisses we left on the other's shoulders and chests and chins.
I'll miss the sharpness of the shadows cast on the wall by the T.V. at 10 o' clock at night when we're supposed to be anywhere but laying in each other's arms.
I'll miss how the vast city lights stretched out for miles and miles and miles, unphased by the chill of winter.
I'll miss the sound of your voice, the terribly velvet voice with the touch of agony.

I miss you.

There, I said it.

And it is such a lonely existence to miss someone who does not miss you back.

I write a lot about love and about the smell of rain. They go hand in hand, after all.
They both make my heart ache and my mouth water for something I don't yet have.

my being aches
from the top of my head down to my weary and worn feet
in every spot your fingers have ever trailed
my skin feels battered and bruised
and in every spot your lips have ever landed a kiss
my bones feel broken
even when the time comes where there is not a cell on me that you have touched
i will feel as though you brushed against me not but two days ago
i am so incredibly sad and my insides hurt
and i can't throw up the pain inside my chest because it's decided it's hollow enough to make a home

i can think of a thousand reasons why i shouldn't love you
but i can only focus on the two reasons why i should

The demons
Hover
Just outside my
Peripheral
Vision
They lie
In slinking wait
For the slip
Of my eye
Or the move of
My head
To attack my hands
And force
Them to do
Things I wanted
To do
Anyway
Then they flit away
To
Tattle on me
To my parents
Tell them
Secrets
About my hips
She bruised them
She hurt them
She
Is
Crazy
They drift
Back to me
Wide and
Wicked smiles
Spread across
Their
Gruesome faces
And they hover
Just outside
My little
Circle of
Light
Which isn't
Much anymore
Because they
Know how to
*****
It
Out
She is worthless
She is alone
She
Is
*Crazy

My dog keeps me alive sometimes

In the deep dark nights when he curls against the backs of my legs
Nestles in the crook of my bent knees
I wake up enough to feel his breath on my hand.

My dog keeps me alive sometimes

When I come home bone-tired and exhausted, the world making a home in my eyes, he suctions himself to my side and brings me his very own things, knowing I need more than just he can give.

My dog keeps me alive sometimes

I tell him this when I feel so sad I want to cease existence and even that confession keeps me on my feet for another day.

And when he gets old and worn, I will get him a shadow so that I can be kept alive by another being who depends on me more than I depend on myself.

Sometimes there's a feeling called love
It's similar to affection but not quite
Love is like the arch of a rainbow that stretches from horizon to horizon
It fills space and takes up room so that all else is consumed by this light
This color
Love is like a fawn being born on a windy summer day
The newness of it is shocking at first and then grows in something so sweet
And tender
Love is like the bursting of a dam on the brink of a lake or river
Nothing can quite compare to the sound of crumbling concrete and
Rushing water
Quite like the breaking of a heart on a chilly winter afternoon.

Look at you
So easily lying and fibbing
Like a naturalist
It makes me cringe every time you
Tell that same lie
Over and over and over again
"You did well"
"You are amazing"
"I like you a lot"
My only option is to smile with my
Broken teeth and bleeding gums
Ravaged by the bones I have been cracking on
"Stop lying to me"
I try and scream but absolutely nothing comes out
Why?
Because I have gotten so used to the
Shattered glass of untruths that
The crunch of it underfoot and the zap
Of it in my skin has completely gone
Away
So all I can think is
**My, What Big Lies You Have

How does one lose a creature gracefully…?

Is it possible to just be okay with a quick goodbye under the hum of those awful fluorescent lights? Would it have been easier, kinder, softer, if the lights were lamps scattered about the space, yellow and murmuring? When does the gut-wrneching tightening stop? Will I ever let the sadness of it leave my chest?

Sitting in this complacent grief even months after it all is kind

I know that the grief will let me cry and I know that when I do, it doesn’t judge me for my “I wish things could go back to normal.” Because regardless of how familiar the New Ways become, it still isn’t the same. I am bookended by these two creatures that have and continue to adore the Earth I walk on. But the Old Ways stick with us for longer than we’d maybe like.

But in filling that little empty nook, the small nest where a dog named Nelson used to lie, I’ve forced myself to grow, to become changed.

My adult life started when I got Nelson, and it started again when I had to let him slip through my trembling fingers. And it continues on with this new creature named Franklin, who sits just to the left of that Nelson shaped divot.

Loving things that leave you utterly shattered is what makes us so mendable, forgetful, endlessly desperate for devotion…

The whole scene will replay in 10 years time, and I will be even more ruined then.

i keep having this same dream
like some kind of broken record
with you following me from far away
and me glancing over at your friend next to me
but the whole time i am crying
because i wish you were the one that was still next to me
i always try to hide it from my lover but he looks at me
and he sees
he sees my eyes and he sees my heart and then he runs away
but you don't come running to me
no
you stand there and you wait for your friend to meet you
and then you both walk the other way
it's my current reoccurring nightmare

Days like today were days when I knew nostalgia
Was just a fancy word for revenge
Today felt like it should have belonged in a summer a year and a half ago
One that belonged to him and I together

It felt as if I should be over at his house, sitting in his basement,
A foot and a half apart on the couch playing Black Ops
Me jokingly
Him sarcastically

It felt like a day when we should have been pressed up tight
On his piano bench, him laughing at my aversion to playing in front of him
Laughing because he hauled the piano all the way from his room
Because I wanted to play and we weren't allowed alone near his bed

It felt like a day that we should have been heard from the back of his yard
The sky endless before us, the same as his eyes
A blue expanse of settling sun and waking moon
A sky with laughter in it's deepest reaches

It felt like a day where he would be laughing at my smile
Grinning at me with a crooked hitch in the corner
And I would be blushing back and giggling like chimes
Both of us brushing our arms together as means of making sure we were real

And both of us looking
Looking at each other and living and breathing and being.

It felt like a day that we were both loving.

the nostalgia one feels as an adult is no match for the
memories that hurt when you remember what happened a 11 months ago
the shared laughs that two in love people share is different
than a juice pouch shared with your schoolyard friend
staying up until 1 in the morning and sharing feeling is a whole lot different
than waking up at 6 in the morning to see if Santa visited
loving someone that didn't know you inside and out since you were born
is different than loving someone who's always known all your secrets
feeling childhood nostalgia is a helluva a lot different
than feeling nostalgia that you don't want to ever go away

Dear World whom she fears,
When she is dead (which is now)
She hopes you feel it (but you don't)
Because she wants to be missed (not really)
And she wants people to know her story (she doesn't though)
But people don't know pain (not fully)
Until they are pain (she always was)
Until they become and embrace it (make love with pain)
Things get so much easier (only after death)
And things get simply quiet (deathly silent)
She got well (trust her)
But it was only after things got too far (and they did)
And that was after you said you hated her (on a regular basis)
She is strangely okay with that now.
*(She committed suicide)

If I were to love as the universe loves
My god I'd be heartless.
I'd be so vast, so full, so empty, so everything all at once
Yet, I'd contain no fondess for the human beings that roam my innards.

Being consistantly admired but never admiring is something the universe is troubled with
Not me

Of all the things one should remember about who they loved
They remember the way their hair fell across their face
On that one windy day
They remember the way they smiled when they saw the mountains
On the trip you took cross country
They remember how they loved to love them
*They remember how they left

Tonight feels off. Like I do not exist. Like the lightning in the clouds could come down and strike my heart and make it feel less apart and more whole.
     The lightning bugs are so thick in my backyard that I can’t step
     outside with having to brush them off my arms. The grass glows
     everywhere and the owl sitting in its usual branch shades its
     black eyes against the green flashes.
My street gets deadly quiet at about this time of night. The street lamp hums a little and the crickets whir until the first rumble of thunder sweeps through, but then all is nothing. It stills with its grey cat slinking into the grey pavement and disappearing, looking everywhere with its yellow eyes, all sunk in their sockets.
     When the wind comes howling up the street I swear it’s crying,
     not just whimpering. It’s telling the trees how much it aches.
     How much it wishes the world would stop pushing it into the
     valleys and the canyons where it cannot fit easily.
A storm doesn’t prefer to ravage branches with its gentle fingers. It doesn’t prefer to shake my shoulders until I can’t help but cry. It prefers nothing.
     Would my house seem less hollow if I were more full? Would
     my bed seem more inviting if I knew what dreams would greet
     me?

Tonight
Is not great

My insides don’t seem to want to belong inside anymore
But rather out in the open
With all their grotesque beauty

My heart has decided it wants to crawl up my throat
Pry through my teeth and beat on the hard ground
Just for the sake of proving it still beats

I sometimes wish I could be more like my mother wants time to be
Smart and witty, strong but not too strong, and thinner
So she can tell me how beautiful her wedding dress looks on me

If you hear my screaming in your dreams don’t be alarmed
It’s only my brain tricking your own
Because it’s grown tired of tricking itself

Look into my waning eyes and see that I can't contain the moons that
Orbit my pupils

The stains on my hands are rubbing off onto my bed sheets at night leaving
Smears that resemble blood

Your feet look so lost within the confines of the path you're walking
And maybe the path you're walking isn't easy

I wish you could see the heavens that opened up when you spoke of
Dreams and hopes that would never last

The great oceans of unobtainable feelings are rumbling over their beaches
The tides are pulling me back into their loving embrace

So reach out with your arms stretched wide and grasp my hands in yours
Because the breath on which I survive has escaped my lips

The gentle swells of impenetrable gloom has swallowed me whole
And taken my eyes with it

The moons aren't orbiting anymore

They are simply falling