The outcome of a baseball game
Is obvious
One team will win and the other...
The other has to lose.

But what is the outcome
Of a match between
Us?
Is it even?
Is it fair?

We already competed
Once.
I would like to say
We were young,
Stupid, naive.
But we are the
Same age.
The same selves.

You've begun talking
To me again.
Why?
If you're hoping for
A rematch..
Well, the outcome
Won't be any fairer
Than it was
Before.

Damp hands on sticky skin
With red clover marks shaped like hand prints on pale flesh
Translucent moans with interspersed sighs that
Fill silence like fog
Looks shared like the end of the world is near
Mass extinction of the senses as wind picks up
And then drops us over precipices
5 miles high
Breathless gasp of excitement
Before hitting the grass soft ground
Falling asleep to the sounds of waves
Hitting ribcages
Air moving out of
Lungs and throats
Warm sunny thoughts burned through eyelids
Blissful sleepy heads nestled into back seats
Of cars
Unnoticed
Thank God

sometimes i see pictures of you or videos of you
posted by your friends
and i see the same things i saw 10 months ago
the little curl of hair behind your ear when it gets too long
and i whisper to you
"you've got a curl, it's time to cut your hair again."
and i see that the corner of your lip is hitched up again
in a half smile
and i say to you
"what's so funny, love?"
but i keep forgetting you can't hear me anymore
saying the things i shouldn't have said to begin with
like the
"I love you too."
i typed to you the night we thought we were clouds.

Sitting at the piano
Useless because I am deaf anyway
As a baby one too many insults were thrown my way
Hit a key
Vibrate through my arm like the rev of a Mustang engine
Poking needles into my brain saying listen
I try and try
But nothing is heard because I am deaf
I cry
My tears soaking the keys like a saltwater and vinegar bath
Acidic and all sodium
But then the piano sings to me
And cleans away the cobwebs in my ears
So I hear
And I listen to the vibrations that sound like
The purr of a Camaro
As well as the hum of a harp
Such a beautiful combination for a girl that
Can't hear

it's amazing how the light is vastly different from morning to night
in the morning it is warm and pink, orange, red
at night it is cool and blue, purple, green
and everytime i see sunrises i think of
the ones we could have shared together
and when i see sunsets i think of
the ones we sat down for
i never thought i would fall asleep in anyone's arms
but yours
i guess it's the small things i shouldn't have taken for granted

The stars said " I love you" and moon said "Me too"
And Jupiter said "Whoever does not love is only a fool."

The sun said "Be bright", the earth said "Be bold"
And Venus nodded, saying  "Find yourself somebody to hold."

Mars circled a little closer and said "Do not waver"
So Uranus smiled gently and said "Don't let others see you quaver."

Neptune told you "There's so much to see"
And Mercury said "It does not take much to know you are free."

So Pluto called out, saying "There's much more to know!"
The universe agreed, and said "There's more time to grow."

The Milky Way murmured "Keep your love at your core"
And I looked up and said "I will always love you more."

i've always been a sucker for blue eyes
and delicate souls
and fingers that whispered me to sleep
on rising and falling chests
with the rivulets of breath ruffling my hair
and hands that soothed my tense shoulders
with gentle rubs and strong grasps
i've always been a sucker for boys with soft hair
and imperfections
scars like stars littering skin the colour of honey
and words like freedom and hope
that make me taste a future
i'm certain of
i've always been a sucker for boys who
tell me they love me to the moon and back
but leave the next day for pluto
with a different girl

I ponder the theme of my existence more often than I probably should
Am I here to just breathe? Am I here to do nothing more than just....ponder?
In the cool darkness of the oncoming autumn air, things get a little more lonely than I'm used to.
Maybe I'm reminded that just like the season, I will come and then go.
I wish that needing someone to share this loneliness with was all that I needed.
Unfortunately, that is never the case.
Pretending to love someone long enough to become un-lonely is the cruellest joke I've played on the last three boys I've trapped.
I cling to their comfort like someone starving for mercy.
And then when the lust of sadness lets go of my throat I'm suddenly reminded of how little I actually crave the intimacy I've inherited.

There's always an exception to the pattern.

the weather was nice for a few days
i think it finally figured out how to be happy

sometimes i wonder if the sky has depression
because it's sad one day and fine the next

do the trees get confused by the weather?
even i'm getting confused and i can feel the rain coming

maybe the plants are like therapists
in the sense that they can tell when something's wrong

i wish i was a plant sometimes, maybe a cherry tree
at least then i'd be pretty enough to be picked

Death is the poor man's doctor

Snowflakes on eyelashes
And smiles on lips
Powdered sugar on noses
Laughs pouring from opened mouths
Upturned faces
Toward a baby blue sky
Forgetting about everything else
About him
About them
About her
And focusing on you
Hot chocolate warms the worries away
Blankets keep the fears at bay
And you
My darling
Keep me feeling alright again

I'm the happiest I've been in so long
It feels like a weight has been lifted
From my heavy shoulders
And I have a friend I didn't have before
With eyes like the sun
And a smile like the moon
Makes my heart stop
And my mouth go dry like nobody
Has before
Gentle hands are what made me fall
Into infatuation
He laughed before I saw him
And called me beautiful
Before I had met him
His mouth had spun those words into gold
Purely gold
His lips created words into masterpieces
He knows smooth
And already I am under the spells he has
Woven around my feeble frame.
God, I'm yours.

it's raining
And I want nothing more than to be laying in his arms
Even though we've been talking for 4 days
It's like we've known each other our whole lives

I've come to the realization that you didn't do anything wrong
You were only doing what you thought was right
And as much as that ******* hurts
That could never be wrong.

She had eyes like storms and
Words that fell from puckered lips
Like hail

*She was me

and i've been told a million times that yes, things get better
but how are things getting better when the sky isn't as blue as it used to be
and the grass doesn't grow as fast as it previously did
where is the improvement when i would still prefer your fingers in my throat making me throw up
rather than someone else's lips making my worries go away
i still find myself turning over in my sleep and seeing you smiling before the sun hides and so do you
how can i get better when getting better means forgetting you

magic kingdom
magic castle
tomorrow land was yesterday
fantasyland full of
peter pan and cinderella
NASA rockets
towering giants
risky space
I licked space ice
cream from a
dip n' dots
anti-gravity cup
sailed the stars
of a projection
screen
the beach was quite
beachy
peachy
bright sand
hot sun
freezing pacific
specific ocean
seagulls laughing
diving swooping
snatching
shells underfoot
washed up
****** back
cloudy
salty
H2O
crusty wind
blowing wind
ocean wind
ron jon's
surf's up
beach babes
beach boys
orlando
florida

With hushed mouths that brushed when they talked
They whispered like thieves stealing from the Garden of Eden.

Little did I know
He was stealing from my chest
With nimble hands that flittered delicately over quieted lungs
And eyes that acted like they'd seen tragedy.

And she only looked at me
Smug, grim, a hair-width's away from sympathy perhaps

But my stomach wasn't used to handling his sweetened breath
Throat constricting around a word
Oh! what a word!
One that brought mountains upon the heads of ogres
Upon the tusks of boars and piggish men

Wouldn't you have assumed I might as well be dead
Because you stole my heart as if it was on it's last beat
It's last wild attempt to leap from my chest


Alas, my throat was tied around love,
A simple word
That rained hell upon the heavens and
Dread upon a heavy hanging ruin

I look at you like you could stop the earth from turning
And cause great mountains to rise from nothing
Your eyes get soft and silly whenever you laugh
And my brain becomes tangled with itself whenever that happens

You look at me like I put the sun in the sky
And created the universe in one blink
My eyes get soft and nervous whenever you say my name
Because it sounds like heaven when it comes from your mouth

And I'm afraid because what if I'm falling in love again
What if I can't stop my heart from seizing up at the thought of you breaking it?
What if I have already fallen but you can't pick me up?

The rain falls in heavy sheets sometimes
And sometimes, it floats like the snow of an icy mountaintop

Leaves and trees and branches and grass give out their last breaths
Drying breaths, colour and lack thereof

The air always smells warm, even when it is not
Like the beginning of winter and soft caramel

Wind makes its home in the lofts of pine groves
And clears the shadows of thick foliage

The mornings are awake and alive and cold with winter
And the afternoons hazy and content and cozy with the leftovers of summer

my bones have learned how to store the sadness i harbour
in their marrow, in the soft sinews between molecules.

it sinks and settles, like sediment, like coins with their heavy edges
all jagged and used.

when each sentence that comes out is worse than the last
that's the sadness speaking in its foreign tongue.

but when the tension on the surface of my skin gets to be almost too much to bear, it threatens to split open into two equal halves;

one for me
and one for the sadness.

Sometimes the way your eyes dance when I say your name
Or the way your fingers draw circles on mine
Assures me that you feel something for my broken soul

I think the universe was made for our eyes,
Made for our existence

And I hope that you know how endlessly
I feel for you
I hope you know that I would go to the ends of the earth
To see you smile

i just want to hear your ******* voice again at 2 am
because even though we're both supposed to be asleep
i still want to know that you're safe
and you're fine and you miss hearing my voice too
i want things to be like they were at the beginning of my freshman year
when we were shy and we were friends
and we were at least ******* talking
Jesus Christ
i thought about everybody a few minutes ago and how i wish
i could just phone all of us up again and say
"let's hang."
but you're out doing drugs with all of my ****** ex friends
and i honestly don't know what's worse
the fact that sometimes i swear i still love you
or the fact that you aren't who i still love anymore.

is it possible to get sick from sadness?
i feel like i'm going to throw your name up all over my shoes
and my heart is convulsing.

there's fluid in my lungs that's making me drown and
maybe it's all of my crying that's finally done me in.

i never knew that burning myinsides with alcohol was
such a lovely way to forget that you existed.

except even then my brain conjures images of you
lying on the trampoline and laughing at the
sky.

and no matter how hard i try i can't get the smell of your skin
out of my ******* nose and lungs.

it's God-awful and i'd rather die knowing that you used to love me
than live knowing that you love somebody else.

Remember the last we touched and sparks seemed to fly
Uncontrollably
And remember the last time we locked eyes and I think mine broke into
Shards
Because God, who wouldn't miss yours
I can't remember the last time we talked
Just a hello
Just a hey
I mean what did I do wrong
I think I've spent too much time trying to figure it out
Have you done the same?
Have you thought of what you did wrong because you broke me or at least
Cracked me
Can you get over that?
Call me in the middle of the night and cry
Please
I just want to hear your voice
Anything can be better than silence on the other end of the line
You don't know of the drafts in my phone
That I've saved on the late nights when I can't sleep
The "I love you" I was about to breathe before you said
"Let's take a break"
Is still stuck in my throat and I remember the day we sat in your car
I couldn't swallow hard enough it seemed like
Because I still feel like I need to throw those words up
But I'm afraid that if I speak to you I will get sick on your shoes
Or mine
I wish we could just sit in the trees and be quiet
So that you could hear my heart
Breaking

There were nights long ago
That the flowers fell asleep with me
And the moon sung a lullaby
That rained silver dollars
On our heads
A few years later
Something came over me
I got ready to go to bed
And I crawled between the covers
Smiling like a fool
But once the lights turned off
I had anxiety attacks all night
Until I miraculously fell asleep
Then quite a few years after that
A couple hours before my head hit the pillow
My lungs would tighten
And my heart would constrict
Around my broken feelings
Because I was afraid of seeing you
Mingling with my dreams
I would breath heavy
Under the shower water
And choke on the mint of my toothpaste
Until I had to suffocate
In my pillow
Muffled gasps masked by sweat
And fear
Just last night
I had a dream about you
It was vivid as daylight
Crisp as snow
We were lovers again
Except I got revenge on you
And made you miss what you
Could only have once
And the attacks are getting progressively worse
I find myself sitting in classes
With an expressionless face
Dead eyes and a posture to match
I hope you can see me
But forget about me when I die
And buried in the cold earth
With the flowers asleep with me
And the moon crying silver dollars
On our heads

Do you hear that? Hear the heavens wishing they weren’t so far away from you? Angels fall all the time, you were no different.

I can see the stars even from trillions of light years in the past, or is it the future? Either way, wouldn’t you want to be one too if you knew how empty their orbits really are? I wonder what they do with all the silence.

I still let the universe decide things for me. If the floodlights outside my window turn off in the next two minutes I’ll go to bed. If they don’t, I’ll lie awake in tranquillized agony. The sleepy self-deprecation I catch myself whispering into the thick darkness doesn’t seem so rigid at two in the morning. It’s….soft.

If someday the concrete of the road decides I’m no angel, I still hope I can hear the heavens wishing they could ******* pain on silvery tongues.

She thinks that puking will make her
Pretty
She believes that starving will make her
Beautiful
She thinks that cuts lined up on her arm will make her
Pitiful
She believes that bruises dotted on her thighs will make her
Lovable
She thinks that suicide will make her
Better
She believes that not being alive will make her
Fixed
She thought that bulemia would have made her
Pretty
She thought that anorexia would have made her
Beautiful
She thought that cutting would have made her
Pitiful
She thought that bruising herself would have made her
Loveable
She thought that suicide would have made her
Better (It just made her dead)
She thought that not being alive would have made her
Fixed (It just broke her neck)
She thought she knew the solution to everything
(But every solution she knew just killed her more)

I'm crying in the dark and the lights aren't flicking on
And the monsters hiding under my bed are coming out to play
But nothing can stop them from devouring me and
I'm crying I'm crying I'm crying
There's a ringing in my ears like a gun was fired by my head
Or a bomb was dropped on my house
I can't see what the damage is because I"m too busy covering my face
But nothing can stop the shrapnel from stabbing me in the chest
You threw the bomb
You fired the gun
How does it feel to be a murderer?
I can't sleep at night knowing that you aren't thinking of me
Like I'm thinking of you
Does it hurt your chest to think that you're never going to see me again?
Because it steals my breath away from my lungs
I can't ******* breath because the thought of you leaving forever
Is one I'd rather not imagine
Is it sad to say that dying seems like a better option than considering what
We could have happened?
It's so cliche but
Jesus ******* Christ
If what they say is true
Then shouldn't it be getting better?

Do you ever look at sleeping human being and think
My God, there's a complex network of things working inside of that body to create this human being that I love and adore next to me.
Do you ever look at a sleeping human being and think
My God, that human being, much like me, is capable of loving me in return and showing the same care and affection that I want.
Do you ever look at a sleeping human being and think
My God, how could anybody be sad about how beautiful this human being is laying beside me on the ruffled sheets.
Do you ever look at a sleeping human being and think
My God, the sheets cradle this human being's face just right to create the perfect image that I wish I could keep forever and ever except things are fleeting.
Do you ever look at a sleeping human being and think
My God, I wish they could stay like this forever except that would be sad because we couldn't talk and we couldn't love and we couldn't do
Do you ever look at a waking human being and think
Christ, this wonderful human being next to me looks so beautiful as she is waking up with her eyelids fluttering and her eyelashes brushing her pink cheeks.
Do you ever look at a waking human being and think
Christ, why aren't there more raw things like this unslumbering human being with the eyes that are still drowsy and doe-eyed.
Do you ever look at an awake human being and think
Darling, how could eyes be as sad as yours?
Do you ever look at an awake human being and think
Darling, how can you handle the depth that are in your eyes?
Do you ever look at an awake human being and think
Darling, I don't think I can handle you.
Have you ever seen an awake human being after you've said
*We could never be friends. I just want to be happy.

A cup of water
Spills
And
Slides
Down the concrete of the driveway
Wriggles this way
And
That
Upon the rough road
I watch its struggles
With leaves
And
Sticks
And Fire Ants
And I think about how pretty
That would be running down
My arm
Except
Thick
And
Red
With rivulets of
Broken veins
Oh!
What wonder and
Beauty
That would be
Trickling down my
Pale skin

There's a lonliness starting to settle in my bones
And it can't possibly be from you
no
yet as i'm writing and praying to god to give me something to forget
you still cross my vision
an imprint against my eyelids
a flickering of candlelight perhaps
a twitching of muscle, of sinew
a small heartbeat

we used to know each other
and now i can't tell if you've become a greater man than you used to be
or a smaller boy

There's a smell, that rolls in with the budding dogwoods and the billowing thunderheads of Spring.
It says "I am familiar. Have you ever heard of Deja Vu? She is my sister."
Imagine if the creatures that live in the wood could speak the prophecies of the coming season.
They say "Listen to the rain in all of its glittering brokenness. It knows more about falling than anyone else."
You and I could lay in the grass for hours and let the smell seep into our pounding hearts and still, I couldn't memorize why you ever fell out of love with me.
Maybe the rain does.

The snow falls
   Silent as ghosts
Remnants of distant memories
And I can see you in the flakes
   Pale and soft

You whisper to the sky
   The memories are shouting
And cry for forgiveness
Beg for destruction
   Remembering hurts the most

The snow doesn't stop
   Persistent, unforgiving
You wish for oblivion
And hope that heaven is real
   The clouds are descending

And now the snow has turned to fog
   Silent as ghosts
It hovers and reaches down throats
Grabs hearts and fills lungs
   You can't breath anymore

You cry for forgiveness.

I'm sorry


For


Being


Such


A


Little


*****

Lie with me among the stars
And the rings of Saturn shall hold us together and keep us from falling
The dust that gathers on the precipice of your eyelashes
Is from all the collapsing galaxies out there
But we weren't one
May the light that emanates from the rivulets of fire shooting from the sun
Be enough to show us what heat really is
And how badly it can hurt

i. the snow is cold. the ocean is cold. the universe is a vast cold that sinks into your bones and demands that you give it all the heat you can spare. you were cold to me. distant. unwilling to do anything but try and take all the warmth you could from my hands. i've wondered why my insides have felt icy for the last two years. but it's because you never gave me back my heat.

ii. running is a lot like loving. it makes you hurt and it makes you sore. it makes your lungs feel like there isn't enough air in the room. the difference between running and loving, is that after you're done running, your body forgives you.

iii. nobody knows how badly nostalgia can hurt better than i do. some days it grabs onto the top two branches of my heart and does nothing but sigh into the nodes of my lungs that it hurts. some nights it lays down beside me and falls asleep in my arms. those are the nights that i sleep the soundest.

iv. they say that people have soulmates, that everyone has someone. but what about the girl sitting in the corner with her eyes closed and her headphones in? does she have a destined someone? i would have like to believe that our spirits were intertwined. but mine hasn't touched yours in months.

v. i wonder what the planets feel like, being securely lost in space? do they fear their demise? is the quiet of nothingness as deafening to them as it is to me? imagine being that large, but feeling so incredibly small amidst the billions of imploding stars. imagine feeling so incomparable.

The sky

The sky looks so sad
A mix of sleet and grey snow
Falling in parallel lines and diagonal lines and
Blowing into the cracks of the shed door

And the pattering of this sleet
Resonates in my head
Like a distant memory that wants to resurface
But can't bring itself to cry

I can't remember what the sun feels like on bare skin
And bare legs and bare arms
The rays of UV poison soaking into pores and crevices of swim suites
Like the leaking of water through the cracks of the road

And you are laying next to me on the bed
A shaft of sunlight slanted across your cheek
Outlining the bridge of your nose and

The gentle curve of your bottom lip is like the ***** of a ski run
Ongoing and smooth and dangerous and daunting
And I want to conquer it

Just go ahead and strike me
   Strike me with the flash of the lightening
And the pop of the thunder
   The blinding quickness of
Light
   And the earsplitting crash
Of sound
   Strike me with deft severity
Because I am at your mercy
   O' Storm
The sheer beauty of the rain
   And the rattling howls of the
Thunderous uproar
   Make the flags whip with frantic
Ecstasy
   Create a terrifyingly beautiful
Chaos
   And in the process
Hit my flailing form
   Outstretched on the lawn
And coat my body with crackling
   Film

i. when i sit in that old apple tree nestled up in my yard, the deer come up to me and sniff my legs, nuzzle my warm hands, wreath my hair in crowns. my house disappears and the woods become my sleeping grounds. the world doesn't exist so loudly. if the warm haze of summer were to cloak the grasses in gold, the sun would be outshone. in other words, i miss sitting in that old apple tree.

ii. a few years ago there was a grass fire that swallowed the hillside of our neighbor's yard. it smelled like woodsmoke and the dead of summer for days. the blackened ground let nothing show. but a week later, the pale green fuzz of new grass blemished the bluff. "i was only temporary" the soot whispered.

iii. i've been to the ocean only once in my life. a great expanse of cold and unforgiving blue. it was chilly that day. the wind was the only indication that it was late spring, and the sun raced behind the clouds, dousing its warmth for a few seconds. there weren't many people that day, only my class, and the seashells begged to be caressed and held gently. the sand was and soft on the beach, growing rough in the depths of the water.

iv. i've never been one for making friends, but summer made us all friends.

v. when summer begins, my heart regrows its roots and sends out soft new shoots. the smell of ripe fruit and fog in the mornings whisks me out of bed. the sun becomes new every day and so shall i.