I've figured out that there's a lot less to write about when you're happy
Than there is to be said when you're sad.

If you read this know these things:

I'm sitting here eating Life cereal right out of the box and if that doesn't taste like childhood then I'm not sure what does

This cereal isn't giving me what I need: life

It's ******* 1 in the morning and my head hurts like a ***** for some reason I can't explain but it's been hurting ever since you told me goodbye

I put a heated blanket on my bed because this winter seemed a helluva lot colder than last but it could also be because you disappeared at night

Tonight is one of those nights that I can't really breath right, like there's something that pinches my lungs together everytime I inhale

Remember when it rained and we talked about the thunder and I could hear it through the phone. I don't think I'd ever been happier because I knew you were right there on the other side listening to the same things

There was something beautiful about the fact that we couldn't be more than 2 feet away from each other during class time freshman year.

It's dawned on me that we literally spent our whole junior year not saying more than two words to each other.

Remember when we used to be friends and we smiled at each other and we had conversations and we told each other our secrets

Do you ever think about the fact that I still know those secrets

There's something terrifying in knowing you have all of mine too....

I hope you've lost all memory of what I shared with you.

Maybe it will give us a fresh start.

Sometimes the days feel sad and kind of misshapen
Like they are heavier on one side than the other
More time balanced during the morning than the night
And a lot of days when we were friends
It felt like the days were perfectly even
Smoothed out like silk across a wooden table
Like the mornings went at a normal pace because you kept me sane
And the evenings faded into night as our messages got deeper and deeper
Then the nights spread out like canvas and our dreams painted the surface
But now I can't keep up with the evenings
And the mornings don't come to an end

whenever you think about giving up

just think about all of the things there are to do

there are so many more stars to count and beaches to lay on and skies to look at and clouds to make shapes from

there are so many more sunsets to watch and sunrises to sip cocoa to and summer days to swim and winter evenings to read during

maybe the beauty of the world is overwhelming but so are the beautiful people

and those people are the people you love and adore and would love to love

they could be parents and siblings and lost lovers and current partners

but think of this: how would they feel if you were gone?

if they love you as much as i think they do

*they'd die on the inside with you

I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can stand in a big open field and look up at the sky with the sun setting in the West, slipping down the trees and through holes in the horizon until it's bled away into the atmosphere.

*I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can stand on a hill at dusk and breath in the air that smells faintly like brush fire and soft woodsmoke, tinted with the summery tang of ripening fruit; peaches to be exact.

I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can wake up on the early mornings where the fog veils the trees like wispy lace, scented like lavender and rain, mixing the air like watercolours, swirling pinks and blues and purples together to create a pallet.

I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can sit on my front porch and watch the sky explode with lightning during a thunderstorm, illuminating the fronts of houses and my driveway, drenching everything in purple and white light.

I can't wait for the summer again when:
I can be free.

The things I miss most are:

Sitting by the cherry tree with you, branches decadent with petals and blossoms spilling onto the ground

Drawing on the bench way up in my yard and listening to the crickets sing love serenades to partners hidden in the grass

Telling secrets as friends and partners in crime, not as lovers and unstable atoms

Walking the highway running through the mountains in Colorado, sipping Gatorade like fine wine and waving at cars that flew past

Sauntering back to the cabin while everyone yelled our names and searched for our souls on the snowy roads that wound around the bases of mountains

Sitting in the practice rooms and switching saxophones for the day, confusing even each other with who was who, being the same person at heart

Getting on Facebook and scrolling through my friends to find you and message you the days' troubles, talk to you about your
dad and your
mom and your
sister and your
life and the
sunset that dripped off the canvas of the sky that evening


I miss what we had before we were more than friends.

What is a dog without a tail or a boat without a sail?
What's a marsh without the mire and smoke without the fire?

What's a hand without a grip and a heart without a trip?

What am I without you and what are you without me?

Look into my waning eyes and see that I can't contain the moons that
Orbit my pupils

The stains on my hands are rubbing off onto my bed sheets at night leaving
Smears that resemble blood

Your feet look so lost within the confines of the path you're walking
And maybe the path you're walking isn't easy

I wish you could see the heavens that opened up when you spoke of
Dreams and hopes that would never last

The great oceans of unobtainable feelings are rumbling over their beaches
The tides are pulling me back into their loving embrace

So reach out with your arms stretched wide and grasp my hands in yours
Because the breath on which I survive has escaped my lips

The gentle swells of impenetrable gloom has swallowed me whole
And taken my eyes with it

The moons aren't orbiting anymore

They are simply falling

Please tell me you love her
Tell me you never loved me and you never will
Because I'm stuck somewhere in between gone and still here
Which I guess means I'm going crazy
And the only way for me to stay is
If you take me back into your arms
And whisper in my ear that you're sorry
That you're "sorry, so sorry. I'm so so sorry, darling."
That you didn't mean what you did
That the months you spent without me were the worst of your life
Other than that
Tell me you don't love me
Tell me you never did
I'll be gone before you can look over your left shoulder
At what we could have been

Give me my bravery back
Give me my thoughts back
The ones that have hopes and dreams and freedom
Give me my body back
Give me my hands back
The ones that long to touch and feel something new again
Give me my life back
Give me my eyes and my brain and my lungs and my breath
All of it was wasted on inhaling you and seeing you and thinking that you would end up loving me for longer than I loved you.

You tasted like love and sounded like poetry
    I could've sworn you had heaven in the palm of your grief stricken hand
But now that I look back I think it was only the sun
    And you must've ****** the warmth from it by the time you left
Yet nonetheless, I still burned myself on your skin

the weather was nice for a few days
i think it finally figured out how to be happy

sometimes i wonder if the sky has depression
because it's sad one day and fine the next

do the trees get confused by the weather?
even i'm getting confused and i can feel the rain coming

maybe the plants are like therapists
in the sense that they can tell when something's wrong

i wish i was a plant sometimes, maybe a cherry tree
at least then i'd be pretty enough to be picked

He loves her now.
Those words rattle over and over through my bones
And in between my very synapses
Like loose screws and the wavering chords in a cloudless blue sky

I can see your hands still gliding
Like death over the ivory tusks of a piano
Heaven raining down in small bits of music onto your head
And spilling like glass onto the floor around you

My heart is pooling like liquid silver at the soles of your soul
And I can feel my brain turning to mush because you look at me
With those cloudless blue eyes
The chords wavering in them, too

He loves her now
The four words are penetrating my very skin
Boring holes into the withering glances of passerbys
As they hustle on their way like flecks of trash on the wind
Like a spool of thread in a gust of air

I didn't think that it would end this way
But then again who doesn't
It always ends in the falling of snow like quiet ghosts around you
Silent as death itself

It always ends in the wind rushing through your head
In one ear and out the other
Shaking your mind until nothing makes sense anymore
And *we were the only thing that made sense

As cliche as that sounds the vague impression of your body pressed in mine
Was the only clue that you might have loved me with half your heart
And all of your head
Instead of just half of both or all of one

He loves her now
I want that to be okay for now
The affection for attention so overpowering that it turns into unadulterated
******* love
Pure wisps of breath on a hushed breast and heaving lungs

So turn your lips to her ecstatic face and kiss that sunlight from her gleaming mouth
She has the world in the palm of her hand because you are her world
And she might be your universe but something so vast can't be looked at
Through a beating heart

He loves her now
That may not be me but by God it's a somebody with an ocean in their voice
That quivers whenever they speak
And seagulls flying in their hands as they touch your face
With a foam breath that smells like freedom and hope

She's not darkness
She's not a black hole that brings in all light but doesn't ever give it away

She's the cloudless blue sky that you look up at and take pictures of
Listening to those steady chords that play like the world is just beginning

He loves her now

And that's okay

Thank you

For the body that has defined, gleaming muscles
So lined and lean, like fire and rope all twisted into you

Thank you

For the hair that it constantly slicked back into that perpetual wave
The sideburns that come down to your chin and turn into stubble

Thank you

For the awesome acting
And insane explosions you can walk away from unharmed

Thank you

For the face that could make angels weep
That holds so much beauty that I crumble inside

Thank you

For the accent that takes on a lilt from Britain when you aren't on set
A hint of something else enriching the tone

Thank you

For being 40 something
Because otherwise you wouldn't be safe from me

Thank you

For being Hugh Jackman

Some things are better left alone
Like the pile of notes I have hidden under my mattress

All addressed to you, of course

Or the sweater that I can somehow stand to wear
Buried in my closet

From you, of course

And the slip of paper that has the first time you said "I love you" to me
Written on it

I actually think I threw it away, of course

Finally,
I need to leave alone the memories of you kissing me in the passenger seat of your car
And the time we picked sunflowers and pet the Shetland pony that lived next to your old house
Or the one moment we sat in your room and played the piano like we were revealing our souls

yeah
I need to throw all those away too

"I can't let you go." I had said as I crawled into bed
Static rang in the background of the phone lines
There was wind outside my window

"Aw, darling, you don't ever have to." he replied, as I sat there and cried
The wind picked up and the static got worse
A tree was crackling somewhere in the distance

"I love you a whole lot." I whispered as he only snickered
A leaf or five brushed through the pool of light from my room
His breathing cut out for a minute or two

"I have to leave." he claimed as I lay there ashamed
The wind whistled around the corner of the house
That tree crashed to the ground in a flutter of branches and nests

I hung up.

can
someone
please
just
*******
shoot
me
before
the
sun
rises
over
the
hills
of
my bedsheets?

It's nearly
one in
the morning
and the
peaks of
my hips
are digging
into my
spine.

Soon the
sun will
be doing
the same
to the
ozone layer.

and i'm beginning to forget you
like the way a mattress loses the imprint of its sleeper after a while when you can't sleep there anymore because it becomes too uncomfortable
like the way a computer shortens its history when you don't use it for a while
because you just can't get up off the floor to do something
like the way an 90 year old woman forgets her husbands name and then her own after years of hearing those two names over and over
like the way the brain makes room for different, better memories and moments
following a few months that were kind of drab and uneventful

and i hope that after a few more months then i won't even remember your face or how your laugh sounded when you didn't hide it and the perfect way your chest rose and fell after every single breath you took or the flowing rhythm your fingers kept when they raced across your piano keyboard. i'll forget the way you look at her and instead of me.

The day that you finally left me
I think that mountains crumbled into the sea
The Heavens collapsed upon Hell
And the universe left my eyes and
Fled into yours

I've come to the realization that you didn't do anything wrong
You were only doing what you thought was right
And as much as that ******* hurts
That could never be wrong.

daylight is the first note of morning-
violet and singing for a triumphant breath!

Hold my bones together as they are falling to dust
And keep my chin lifted up with the fine tip of your pointed finger

Make sure that my eyes never stray from yours
Keep them there with a glance such as that of a hundred galaxies

See to it that my soul is alight with a fire as bright as that of the sun
Burning flames and all

I want to hear you tell me that I'm the most wonderful thing you've ever seen
In a voice that echoes down the tunnels of my heart into my chest

Maybe you could caress my cheek and whisper in my ear that nothing compares
To the thousands of doves that claw the inside of your stomach
Until they are calmed by my touch

Someday the feeling of being lost at sea without a companion will vanish
And the feeling of being lost at sea with a companion will come back

And then we'll find land together.

i don't have anyone to call anymore on the nights when i can't breath
and the lights have left my eyes

It's been a year since you said you loved me for the last time
It seems like it's been a millennium since I told you I would always love you
And I find that even over billions of centuries I still love you
Love the wind that rattles through your lungs
Love the rivers rushing around the bends and curves in your veins
Love the mountains ridging your skeletal frame
Love the valleys denting the smooth plains of your skin
I find that I could go back and say the same things I did a year ago
And feel the same gravitational shift I did a millennium ago.

i think that if someone asked me where home was
i'd say
"in your arms."
but then i'd be homeless.

sunlight spilling over someone else's curved cheekbone
and wind howling over sharpened collarbones
isn't as beautiful as the fingers brushed over straightened noses and
lips held together by a love that doesn't exist anymore.

i hope that she loves you

i hope that she savors each taste of your wisdom and brilliant mind

i hope that she sees what a wonderful person you are, how kind, how caring, how gentle

i hope that she cherishes the long nights spent talking on the phone with static in the background

i hope that she doesn't mind that you get sad sometimes because we all do and you won't mind when she does

i hope that you can play the piano for her and make her wonder what other beautiful things you can do

i hope that she can hold you when you aren't doing so well late at night

i hope that things turn out right and not like they did with you and i

i hope that you become her best friend instead of already being so

i hope that you see her everyday as a beautiful soul with eyes the depth of the ocean

i hope that heaven sees you as a being that needs another chance because being in love skipped by you

i hope that she's pretty with skin that glows and a smile that makes the night awaken

i hope that she doesn't throw away everything that you two have and leave it lying

but god

i just hope that she loves you with every bit that she can...

is it possible to get sick from sadness?
i feel like i'm going to throw your name up all over my shoes
and my heart is convulsing.

there's fluid in my lungs that's making me drown and
maybe it's all of my crying that's finally done me in.

i never knew that burning myinsides with alcohol was
such a lovely way to forget that you existed.

except even then my brain conjures images of you
lying on the trampoline and laughing at the
sky.

and no matter how hard i try i can't get the smell of your skin
out of my ******* nose and lungs.

it's God-awful and i'd rather die knowing that you used to love me
than live knowing that you love somebody else.

The woods succumb to the deep freeze of mid-winter
Statuesque trees encased in ice
Deer fur quavering on the fence tops
Skimmed from the underbellies of jumping bucks and leaping yearlings
The scuttle of autumn leaves a transparent sort of sound
Nonexistent
Water bodies stilled in a perpetual ripple outward from a droplet
A disturbance for the entire season
Constant movement is ceased with the icy breath of frost
Silence ensues

SOMETIMES IT GETS REALLY HARD
TO BREATH AND SOMETIMES I THINK
IM DYING BUT I FIGURE THAT I DIED
AWHILE AGO AND YOURE THE
RESPIRATOR THATS KEEPING ME
ALIVE

I know it seems overrated half the time
But
*******
It is hard to let go of someone that you loved
And sometimes I think that I'm just another cliche girl
With an obsession for acting pathetic
But
With eyes like yours it was awfully hard to
Forget what you looked like saying you
*Loved me too

Lie with me among the stars
And the rings of Saturn shall hold us together and keep us from falling
The dust that gathers on the precipice of your eyelashes
Is from all the collapsing galaxies out there
But we weren't one
May the light that emanates from the rivulets of fire shooting from the sun
Be enough to show us what heat really is
And how badly it can hurt

you are so lovely
i think the stars are jealous

I wish you had heard the bird
Echo a hidden fairy tale
Then offer travels with an elephant to you.
Are we ready for the circus life?

I vanish beside you-
a facade.
Never will the fears dull in me.

the nostalgia one feels as an adult is no match for the
memories that hurt when you remember what happened a 11 months ago
the shared laughs that two in love people share is different
than a juice pouch shared with your schoolyard friend
staying up until 1 in the morning and sharing feeling is a whole lot different
than waking up at 6 in the morning to see if Santa visited
loving someone that didn't know you inside and out since you were born
is different than loving someone who's always known all your secrets
feeling childhood nostalgia is a helluva a lot different
than feeling nostalgia that you don't want to ever go away

you saying my name again
even through chapped lips
would be enough
to set me on fire with some burning desire
to throw myself to you

the wolves

         i can't remember what your voice
         is like
         but the wind through the trees
         might be a good
         representation
         and the eyes that would laugh
         at me
         with me
         can't be the same now
         as they were then
         the sky isn't as blue
         and it gets its color from you
        
         *my air

i'm still trying to figure out how to tell someone i love
that i don't want to exist anymore on this earth
how are you supposed to say that
killing yourself sounds like a better option than suffering through life with half a mind

i think about what people would do if i were to die
would they cry?
would they pretend they were my friend and wish they'd talked to me longer?
i don't think feigning relationships is such a good way to say goodbye
but hell
at least i'd be known to have a lot of friends

it makes me sad to think that my body has gotten so tired
that i fall asleep in my classes when i used to be the only one awake
it's almost like i'm 80 years old on the inside and my heart is failing with my lungs
and i'm 16 on the outside with bags the shades of night
i'm peppered with bruises the colour of magenta but i find they bring me comfort
it lets me know i'm not the only thing breaking

my veins are too

i've always been a sucker for blue eyes
and delicate souls
and fingers that whispered me to sleep
on rising and falling chests
with the rivulets of breath ruffling my hair
and hands that soothed my tense shoulders
with gentle rubs and strong grasps
i've always been a sucker for boys with soft hair
and imperfections
scars like stars littering skin the colour of honey
and words like freedom and hope
that make me taste a future
i'm certain of
i've always been a sucker for boys who
tell me they love me to the moon and back
but leave the next day for pluto
with a different girl

These days haven't been the same without you
I've said it a million times
But it's become just a nagging in the back of my head
A tug on the nape of my neck
"Where is he?"

It's almost like you never existed
Although I can still see you out of the corner of my eye
Sometimes you'll slip into focus
Then out
Like a microscope lens was brought closer
And then lost

What was it like to laugh with me?
I can't quite remember the last time we kissed
Was it in your car with the windows fogged over and words
Written with a shaking finger through the condensation.

What ever happened to being friends?
I know that you thought we could never be anything but lovers
But we could have tried to be less.
We knew each other inside and out before we became one
It's like we forgot how to memorize voices and touches

Being sad about this seems silly
But nostalgia's a ***** when it makes a home in your heart
And dwelling on the past doesn't help things
Especially when all you can think of is what I could have said to you
These days

Both of us have fallen apart
Have you noticed that?
You're in some deep ****, honey.
I'm somewhere up in the universe without air and nothing but star dust making my throat close up.

I'm shaky
I can't sit still and my leg seems to be falling asleep all the time
Is it normal to be a nervous wreck after a day of not talking to the one you
Want to talk to most?
I can't concentrate
This poem was hard for me to write
I'm having problems breathing
This can't be because I love you



*Can it?

caress the body
so soft of skin like the ruffling of a cat's fur
see the eyes that see you
deep like an ocean littered with grains of sand
oil slicks covering the surface
taste the mouth in which words flow from
ones that taste of sweet lullabies
and smell of sleep, that which is silky and cool
touch the hair as if it is the waves of grass
so smooth like the field of cattails and babies breath
dive into the self of another
explore the lingering scenes
those which make a heart constrict or expand
they are stars and souls and black holes and entire galaxies
that cannot be tamed nor handled
like the silver of a plate
easily tarnished
a being isn't being
if the being isn't truly
being

I'm crying in the dark and the lights aren't flicking on
And the monsters hiding under my bed are coming out to play
But nothing can stop them from devouring me and
I'm crying I'm crying I'm crying
There's a ringing in my ears like a gun was fired by my head
Or a bomb was dropped on my house
I can't see what the damage is because I"m too busy covering my face
But nothing can stop the shrapnel from stabbing me in the chest
You threw the bomb
You fired the gun
How does it feel to be a murderer?
I can't sleep at night knowing that you aren't thinking of me
Like I'm thinking of you
Does it hurt your chest to think that you're never going to see me again?
Because it steals my breath away from my lungs
I can't ******* breath because the thought of you leaving forever
Is one I'd rather not imagine
Is it sad to say that dying seems like a better option than considering what
We could have happened?
It's so cliche but
Jesus ******* Christ
If what they say is true
Then shouldn't it be getting better?

in the way it comes slow, then all at once.

Catch me before I fall, darling
I'm falling too fast for the eye to see

I can't catch my breath, darling
Something's caught in my lungs
It's growing out of the seeds you planted there

I'm afraid, darling
I'm afraid that they're nothing but weeds that you planted
Because I thought that we had something beautiful
But once it all comes out of my throat I'm afraid of what I'll see

I've figured I'm done missing you
It's so tiring, darling

I'm tired of feeling like **** all the time
But I don't know how to feel any other way
It's turned into my home and if I feel any other way I'm homeless

I don't like talking to people
It's like a dread that swallows me whole
My insides fold in on themselves
What kind of life is it to live in constant fear of interaction?

I've had my life planned out for the past 10 years
And all of the sudden it's all gone
How does all of this ******* happen?
I thought I had everything figured out
But I can't think straight and I don't want a future
I don't want to live life struggling.