I don't want to have a future
I'm afraid
How do I fear something that hasn't yet come to pass?

Damp hands on sticky skin
With red clover marks shaped like hand prints on pale flesh
Translucent moans with interspersed sighs that
Fill silence like fog
Looks shared like the end of the world is near
Mass extinction of the senses as wind picks up
And then drops us over precipices
5 miles high
Breathless gasp of excitement
Before hitting the grass soft ground
Falling asleep to the sounds of waves
Hitting ribcages
Air moving out of
Lungs and throats
Warm sunny thoughts burned through eyelids
Blissful sleepy heads nestled into back seats
Of cars
Unnoticed
Thank God

it's raining
And I want nothing more than to be laying in his arms
Even though we've been talking for 4 days
It's like we've known each other our whole lives

Seeing somebody's face while you talk is like magic
You can watch their expressions and
You can watch their eyes light up when they talk about something they love
Like the medal they earned for cross country
Or the pins they have for knowing how to make music
It's something different all together when you make eye contact with them
And they can't help but smile because you duck your head and blush
They make you feel like the world is revolving around you
Because all they do is look at you
And you're nervous and your heart misses so many beats
It's a shock you aren't dead
It's because they think of you as more than theirs.
They're yours too.

If somebody asked me if I still loved you

I'd say yes

If they continued to ask me what I loved about you
I would say

I loved how you laughed at the things I said. The way you stopped mid sentence and kind of chuckled. You'd cover your mouth and your eyes would dance and your shoulders would shake a little.

I would say

I loved how your hands played the piano. I always knew that there was some beauty in humans but never like the sight of your fingers dancing over the keys. You played so effortlessly, like it was nothing. I could have listened to you forever.

I would say

I loved the way you obsessed over your hair. I know I would always rag on you for being too into it, but it was endearing. Whenever you played with it a little I wished that I could do that too. I also loved the smell of the gel you used.

I would say

I loved how the sun hit your eyes. It would make them spark like you had something witty to say, and most of the time I think you did. The blue would look like the underside of a flame, bright, hot, burning. I think I hurt myself on them.

I would say

I loved how you breathed. Just sat there breathed. I wish I could have laid my head on your chest for longer, held my breath for longer to hear your heart beating. Sometimes giving up my life just to be in yours seems like a better option.

I would say

I loved when your glasses would slip down your nose when you were concentrating, whether it be on music or schoolwork. You'd push them back up with the delicate tip of your *******, shoving them back up to the safety of the bridge.

I would say

I loved the way your arms looked around my waist, like there wasn't a single thing that you wished to hold more. Your smooth skin was what I wished I could feel on mine again. I don't think there's another thing I wished I could touch once more.

Lastly, I would say

I loved how you tried to stick around until the very end. It wasn't easy for you, I know. But ******* it you tried. I think that's what I loved most about you, that you didn't give up because it got too hard. You gave up because you knew that I wasn't ready. I'm never going to be.

The only thing I hate is how I have to write all of this as "loved" and not "love" because I'm supposed to have let go of something this trivial a few months ago.

I'm sorry.

Do you know who you are?
Have you figured out where you belong in this world?
Where have your morals gone?
Where have your boundaries gone?
Cigarettes used to be enticing but I don't want to taste them on your lips.
When I swim I think of the similarities between drowning in water and drowning in your words.
Both feel like I'm inhaling nothing but space and the universe.
It's devastating but it gets the job done of killing me either way.

Lately I've been feeling a lot more lonely than usual
And I'm not sure if it's because of the weather or
The fact that I see you everyday again.
It's like you're on a cliff, dangling.
I can see you there and I can feel you there
But I don't make an attempt to save you.
At the same time I make sure that you don't fall
Because if you fell from the face of my earth
Well,
I don't know what I would do.

please put your hands around my neck
i need to feel like i'm choking from someone rather than nothing
make me feel like i'm being crushed by by a weight
because right now i'm being crushed by loneliness
give me a physical entity to hate rather than a feeling i just miss
put me in a sauna
that would be more bearable than the heat of your stare
please
make me feel like i've died inside because
that would feel a whole lot better than feeling like
i have just a shell

I never thought I'd kiss your lips again or feel your hand on my cheek
I never would have guessed that I could see you smile again because of me
Even after all these months, almost a year, I think,
When I dream about you I wake up like the day is new
And last night was no different
Because you sat down next to me and pulled me closer
And then you turned my face to yours and kissed me with soft lips
It was like the universe stopped expanding
Stopped pulling us further away from each other
It was like the oceans stopped churning
Stopped drowning us
Even as I'm writing this I'm crying because who wouldn't after
Nine months of not seeing your face turned towards mine
You were you again
Not the shell that I had grown accustomed to that ignored me
Or didn't know i existed anymore
God, it was heaven in a few milliseconds
And I never wanted to leave

i keep having this same dream
like some kind of broken record
with you following me from far away
and me glancing over at your friend next to me
but the whole time i am crying
because i wish you were the one that was still next to me
i always try to hide it from my lover but he looks at me
and he sees
he sees my eyes and he sees my heart and then he runs away
but you don't come running to me
no
you stand there and you wait for your friend to meet you
and then you both walk the other way
it's my current reoccurring nightmare

I’m drunk,
like,
actualy drunk and i find that all i want is you,
still,
even affter ive forgotten alot of other peoples names.
i think my brain is fried and i still don’t care because the psrt that holds you is still ther and i think thats all that matters, really.

you're like my alcohol
you make me drunk when i need to be sober the most
and right now as i'm talking to you on the phone
i'm getting drunk off of absolut and soda
its like flying and its like your stomach is in your throat
i love it

Dear J,
   I may be at a loss for words half the time, and the other half I might have too much to say, but I can almost always say this; I love you. I have felt fear and I have felt bravery and I have felt loss. I can look pictures of us and I can recall everything we did that day. I can listen to videos of you and I can tell what you felt. And I know that you didn't think I was paying attention, but I knew how you looked when you thought something was unfair. And I knew the look in your eyes when you saw the light just right in a sunset and you knew that nothing could ever be recreated quite like that. I felt the same way about you.
   Wherever you are, know that loving someone isn't a matter of feeling something or not feeling something. It's a matter of knowing what you're feeling and when you need to let go.
   I think that people know that letting go involves unfurling your fingers and watching something fall from a great height. It's the act of following that objects downward motion that gets to us. That once it meets the ground or whatever surface it is deemed to hit, it's gone. What was there is gone. And once you think about that you think of what could have been there. That one last touch, that one last feeling of bliss that comes with knowing that the moment you wake up the sun will be shining in rivulets through fingers that tangle in hair fresh off the pillow. It's sad to know that nothing like that will happen again.
   The sun won't shine the same way. Instead it may simply fall. It won't cascade, it won't flow over the edges of noses or smiling lips. It's the same way water may lose a stone from a riverbed and from there on after it doesn't run quite the same way. But another stone, another pebble will fall in place because replacement happens.
   I guess what I'm trying  to say, is that letting go is letting someone else take a spot. In order for something else to happen you have to let your joints move out of their grip and unfold from their hold on something that wasn't meant to be held by you anymore.
   Sometimes you have to let them land somewhere new.
I only hope that it's somewhere even more beautiful than before.
            Claire

sometimes i see pictures of you or videos of you
posted by your friends
and i see the same things i saw 10 months ago
the little curl of hair behind your ear when it gets too long
and i whisper to you
"you've got a curl, it's time to cut your hair again."
and i see that the corner of your lip is hitched up again
in a half smile
and i say to you
"what's so funny, love?"
but i keep forgetting you can't hear me anymore
saying the things i shouldn't have said to begin with
like the
"I love you too."
i typed to you the night we thought we were clouds.

i just want to hear your ******* voice again at 2 am
because even though we're both supposed to be asleep
i still want to know that you're safe
and you're fine and you miss hearing my voice too
i want things to be like they were at the beginning of my freshman year
when we were shy and we were friends
and we were at least ******* talking
Jesus Christ
i thought about everybody a few minutes ago and how i wish
i could just phone all of us up again and say
"let's hang."
but you're out doing drugs with all of my ****** ex friends
and i honestly don't know what's worse
the fact that sometimes i swear i still love you
or the fact that you aren't who i still love anymore.

if i love you
then you're lucky
if i hate you
you're also lucky
because that means that you knew something enough
about me
to cause me to feel either way

i think the first time i looked at you
i knew
that love was possible
it was a tangible thing that i wanted
when i saw you laugh in middle school
your eyes lit up like they do now
except they weren't mine to look at
through the first two years of high school
you came to me as a backup plan
you still weren't mine
but jesus christ
when i saw your lips curve into a smile
i thought my heart was going to jump out of my throat
when i laughed for too long or too loud i apologized internally
but that only happened when i was around you
i felt like i needed to be reserved
calm
quiet
and now
i look into your eyes and i see suns exploding and imploding
and stars being born from dust
and i know that it all sounds really cliche but there isn't one word
that tells how i feel
like i'm home.

How sweet it was to be loved by you
But now we have to let go for good

sometimes i think about you
the one that i loved first
(the one that i still do)
and i get so incredibly sad
because you were mine
i was yours
i thought
talk to me
Jesus Christ just talk to me
its nights like these
where i cant help but to miss you
so deeply
that it rips my chest open
so i can see the flowers that you planted there


*are still growing

To whoever touches me next,
   I'm not delicate anymore. I don't have gold running through my veins or silver in my hair. I'm not made up of flames and the sun anymore. I can't be your star.
   I'm by no means perfect. I never was and I never will be. The bruises that littered my skin as a child went deeper than skin. They were the first taste of my veins breaking open.
   When I say that I don't mind, know that I probably do. And I only do because I wish I was confident you weren't disappointed. Remember that when you touch me.
   Know that I care more about you than I care about my whole being. I want to please you more because then the attention will be diverted from me.
   I care if you say something critical. I may blow off a casual "it should look like this" but deep down I care.
   I am a lightening bug amidst a sea of stars. Keep in mind that nobody likes insects. I don't expect you to like me. I'm a bug that glows not a burning core of undiscovered atoms.
   If you kiss me in the middle of my back you will feel where my heart beats through my skin. If you kiss me on my lips you can feel where my heart beats through my breath.
   Lastly.
Love me. Please. I'm not expecting you to and by no means am I worthy of it.
   But love me.

i didn't know that a hero came with a gun pointed at my chest
and a knife pressed against my neck
i guess i didn't realize that he came swooping in
with venom on his lips that made you stop breathing

The sun is shining through the windows
And I feel happy for once

I know I should embrace this moment of true beauty

Because the earth is spinning as we speak
And the clouds are wisping over plains that reach as far as the eye can see

The sea is rushing over rocks that were there 100 years ago
And the air is brushing against cheeks that used to have tears on them

And to think that the earth has created something so beautiful as animals
And something so amazing as us

It's mind boggling to think that birds can defy gravity
And fish can defy water

If that isn't amazing then I don't know what is

But the most beautiful thing is to think
That we are breathing at the same time

And that's the most amazing thing that I can think of

It was an honor breathing with you for a short while.

I dunno what it is about the night
But it carries a certain chemical
That makes you high and drunk
All at once
And I dunno what it is about the moon
But it carries a certain posture
That says
Love me
I dunno what it is about the stars
But they carry a certain voice
That lilts
Wish on me
I dunno what it is about you
But it carries a certain drug
That causes brain damage in the part of your head
That helps with memory
And you would think that it would take away the remembering part


*But it doesn't

it's like getting sick.
when your body gets the chills and your back aches from the pain in your lungs and it seems like all you can do is bathe in hot water and drink tea.
and i guess it's like working out hard.
when your body hurts from the lactic acid building up inside your muscles and it seems like all you can do is bathe in hot water and drink water and Gatorade.
i guess it's like crying all night.
when your body shuts down from the alcohol swimming through your veins and the red hot pokers firing into your stomach making you throw up the entire cup of tea you tried drinking earlier because it felt like you were catching cold.
when your heart tries to embed itself in the walls of your lungs and your lungs try to embed themselves in the grooves of your ribcage but what are you supposed to do when your ribcage doesn't do its job and it lets everything out and you are left clawing at your skin trying to remove the memories that float around on it.
i can still feel your lips on my neck after all this time and i can still feel your fingers pressing on my windpipe and telling me that **it will be alright

marijuana stays in your system for only about 3 days
LSD only 3 hours
THC for a few days
morphine for 4 days
and you
you have stayed in my system for 7 months and counting.

maybe once the wind stops howling around my ears
i'll be able to stop screaming your name at the top of my lungs
because you left me to the mercy of a storm that not even the news can forecast
and i don't know if it's worth fighting against anymore
all i can think of is what your face felt like cradled in my palms
or what your voice sounded like in my ears when i couldn't hear anything but waves
i think it sounded like drowning
it was so beautiful

and i've been told a million times that yes, things get better
but how are things getting better when the sky isn't as blue as it used to be
and the grass doesn't grow as fast as it previously did
where is the improvement when i would still prefer your fingers in my throat making me throw up
rather than someone else's lips making my worries go away
i still find myself turning over in my sleep and seeing you smiling before the sun hides and so do you
how can i get better when getting better means forgetting you

I'm so sad that my body aches with it
I think it's telling me that things aren't right anymore
That maybe things can't be fixed
And it's nights like this where I want nothing more than to vanish
From the face of the earth
I used to be happy only a moment ago
But it flies away into the clouds that you take pictures of
Where all you see is beauty
But really it's just a bunch of water droplets that have collected
To form a whole
And you see the sun like it's your God
But you aren't a flower and you aren't beautiful like one either
Not anymore
The storm we just had ripped your petals off
And you just stood there trying to take pictures
Smiling
Laughing
Wondering about
How something so wonderful could lose its charm after it hails

*I was wondering the same thing

let's
      forget
              each
                    other
                           together

Do you ever look at sleeping human being and think
My God, there's a complex network of things working inside of that body to create this human being that I love and adore next to me.
Do you ever look at a sleeping human being and think
My God, that human being, much like me, is capable of loving me in return and showing the same care and affection that I want.
Do you ever look at a sleeping human being and think
My God, how could anybody be sad about how beautiful this human being is laying beside me on the ruffled sheets.
Do you ever look at a sleeping human being and think
My God, the sheets cradle this human being's face just right to create the perfect image that I wish I could keep forever and ever except things are fleeting.
Do you ever look at a sleeping human being and think
My God, I wish they could stay like this forever except that would be sad because we couldn't talk and we couldn't love and we couldn't do
Do you ever look at a waking human being and think
Christ, this wonderful human being next to me looks so beautiful as she is waking up with her eyelids fluttering and her eyelashes brushing her pink cheeks.
Do you ever look at a waking human being and think
Christ, why aren't there more raw things like this unslumbering human being with the eyes that are still drowsy and doe-eyed.
Do you ever look at an awake human being and think
Darling, how could eyes be as sad as yours?
Do you ever look at an awake human being and think
Darling, how can you handle the depth that are in your eyes?
Do you ever look at an awake human being and think
Darling, I don't think I can handle you.
Have you ever seen an awake human being after you've said
*We could never be friends. I just want to be happy.

What if things were as they used to be?
The idea of never speaking again makes me feel sad.
Remember the late night talks until 2 in the morning?
The first conversation we had was about murderous cows
And how much you loved me for those moments.
The last one we had over the phone was about my father not taking pride in me
And I started crying, hoping you couldn't hear it through the vast space of emptiness in my voice.
But I think you did and I remember feeling ashamed
Because you didn't deserve to hear me sound that way when you had bigger problems.
It was moments like those that I wanted nothing more than to wake up in the early dawn of the mornings
With the pale sunlight washing over the bed sheets and your mussed hair.
It was in those moments that I wanted to go to parties with you and get drunk
And say things I would never say sober
Secrets about myself that I didn't think I had
It was moments like those that I forgot about my family issues
Or my own issues and your issues
It was moments like those that I loved you too much to physically feel.
I couldn't express the fullness I felt in the dead of night when it felt like we were the only two alive.
It was in moments like those that I started thinking about the possibility of not staying together forever
And it was those moments that I got out your proclamation of love that I had written down
I would stare at it and smile and giggle and think about what I did right to be with you
I wasn't sure if I was good enough to stay

I didn't think my heart could feel the flutter of butterflies
But there it is
And I didn't suspect that my stomach was capable of holding more than water
But I can feel the anticipation there
I didn't predict that I could see myself with someone other than him
But there you are..
With your long hair at your eyebrows, curled and waved
And your delicate nose that looks fine ***** and pointed
With your smooth lips that can laugh as easily as smile
You complimented me on my Sleeping With Sirens shirt
I doubt I could forget that
You play jazz like I do, you wear the sweatshirt all the time
You speak so softly as if the words you say might shatter over my ears
You should stop
Because soft words make me fall in love

3.23.14*
Remember the evenings when we sat on your trampoline and listened to music that belonged in movies?
What could you have possibly thought of me in those moments that I opened up?
Did you actually still love me or did you think me a fool?
I thought you belonged with the sky on those evenings that the sun set in a pool of gold, because you were perfect enough.
I thought that the line of your nose and the curve of your jaw was perfect.
I suppose I still do.

It's like you died, darling.
That's how I feel.
I can't even talk to you anymore because you'd never answer.
I can't ask you how your sister is doing or how you and Joshua are in your friendship.
And you won't ask me how I'm doing because why would you all of the sudden care?
It's funny because you never really asked how I was doing, at least I can't ever remember a time.
Did you ever really care?
Was that entire six months a lie?
God, did I fork over my heart for only to gain a sense of heartache?
Please, I need to know.

Every time I think of never talking to you again my soul tightens and so do my eyes.
Or maybe they droop.
Can you tell?
Even as I am sitting here writing this all, pouring out my feelings my heart still forgives you for not replying to me.
For hating me. .
And I hate how I can't hate you, couldn't even bring myself anywhere near.
I hate the way you look at me with wide eyes, suspicious deer eyes, like I'm going to explode into a million pieces at your feet, like I'm going to beg for you back.
As if you're good enough for that.

Did Marina not feel like me?
You ditched her rather quickly, I have to say.
That was a **** move on your part.
Who's your new conquest?
Your new unsuspecting victim?
Jessica maybe?
Ir Gilly again?
They all think you're a lake, glassy and smooth.
But they don't get the shallow part.
You don't have layers, you don't even have leagues.
So how did I fall into your 2000 league deep eyes?
I must not have known how to swim. .

2.24.14*
Today we didn't talk.
We never do, though.
I kept glancing at you because something seemed different.
Are you friends with Marina again?
What about Gillian?
You have a whole array to choose from.
I was just one in the deck of cards you hold.

I made eye contact with you on accident in the hallway.
I smiled real quick but I could feel that it didn't reach my eyes.
Did you notice?

I don't fully blame you  for not paying attention to me.
I'm not even a **** in a flower garden.
I'm a dust particle really.
There are far more wondrous orbs to behold out in the cast gallery of time an space.

Remember the day late in the afternoon when I bared myself to you?
I remember.
You did it before I could even stop you.
But I didn't feel completely wrong because I loved you, I think.
I let you see me in ways no one had seen me before.

My feelings were in your hands from day one, I want you to know.
Everything I had was yours the moment I confessed love.
I never told you that Josh helped me get you to say that you loved me.
Did you mean it?
Or were you in love with the idea of being in love?

I think I love you.
But we are only teenagers, dear.
We can't possibly know the meaning of the word.
Do you know the true definition?
Because not even the dictionary does.
I think I was in love with your hair or your ice blue eyes.
I loved your laugh, the slow tentative kind that would interrupt you when you spoke.

Your personality was a bit grey, though.
I can only imagine how bad I was.

2.23.14*
My dear, what have you done to us?
I though we could be friends, but I guess not.
I wanted to go on adventures and I wanted to talk about things that no one else could get out of you.
I wanted to go exploring with you in the deep woods and listen to music with you.

Do you see how much I miss you?
Can you see in the curve of my mouth how sad I am?
Can you see in the droop of my eyes how deadened I am?
You've condemned me to sadness, darling.
My nights are long enough to count the billions of stars in the cast blue-black sky.
You were my entire world.

I look at your blog almost every day to see how you are faring..
It must be bad for you but to me it's nothing.
Do the words carry even an ounce of what you feel?
Even the posts on mine aren't deep enough to hold my soul.
It seems like the pictures only outline what I feel while yours sum everything up.

Are you that shallow?

2.22.14*
Darling, where are you when I need you most?
My heart is breaking.
I don't know what I'm feeling anymore, maybe nothing.
I've missed you for the past month and a half.
It's killing me inside to not talk to you.
I've said this all before, I know.

You said you wanted someone who cared for you and who loved you.
Have you already forgotten about me?
Wasn't I anything?
Did you actually love me, darling>
Or was a step along the way, a test ride, a pre to a post?

I tried so **** hard for you, darling, I tried.
I wanted to to make you happy so I tried to smile even though I couldn't.
I tried to tell you everything but I couldn't because you would be unhappy with me.
I was terrified of losing you.
Petrified to be exact.
You were my rope, my tether quickly fraying.
Please hold me down again.

I'm sad, once more.
So sad it physically pains me to say your name.
God's telling me to suffer for the wrongs I did you.
You never believed in God, I remember.
Do you now?

I want to know how you're doing even as I try to forget you.
One of these nights I want to call you and hear you say hello before quickly hanging up.
I want to ask how you sister is doing or if you've gotten a dog yet.
I want to know whether or not you've made songs yet or if your dad has his you lately.
I want to know if you miss me or us.
Have you found someone else to "fill" the empty spot in your heart?
Are you well?
Do you miss me?

You should see all the poems I've written about you.
People say it's beautiful how pained I sound, but they don't ask who did it to me, who caused the pain.
Not many people do, now that I look back on it.
When you broke up with me everybody sided with you because they didn't think you'd be capable of causing this much hurt.
You're too humble, too giving, to...nice.
I guess I'm alone in my standings.

Remember the last we touched and sparks seemed to fly
Uncontrollably
And remember the last time we locked eyes and I think mine broke into
Shards
Because God, who wouldn't miss yours
I can't remember the last time we talked
Just a hello
Just a hey
I mean what did I do wrong
I think I've spent too much time trying to figure it out
Have you done the same?
Have you thought of what you did wrong because you broke me or at least
Cracked me
Can you get over that?
Call me in the middle of the night and cry
Please
I just want to hear your voice
Anything can be better than silence on the other end of the line
You don't know of the drafts in my phone
That I've saved on the late nights when I can't sleep
The "I love you" I was about to breathe before you said
"Let's take a break"
Is still stuck in my throat and I remember the day we sat in your car
I couldn't swallow hard enough it seemed like
Because I still feel like I need to throw those words up
But I'm afraid that if I speak to you I will get sick on your shoes
Or mine
I wish we could just sit in the trees and be quiet
So that you could hear my heart
Breaking

It's nearly 1 in the morning and the ***** in my veins is blurring my fingers into fins.
I can't think straight, is that normal after 3 months of heartbreak?
My lungs feel too full, like an over-blown balloon but my esophagus can't get enough air in.
Isn't there a potion to make these feelings go away?

Have you thought of me lately?
I hope you haven't because I heard that thinking about each other means that things are going to become difficult again.

My 16th birthday is coming up and I can't decide whether or not to invite you to the hellhole called my "sweet sixteen" (whatever that's supposed to mean.)
Because we haven't talked in 3 months and I think I'd miss you too much to not stare at your face from across the fire pit.
I'd isolate myself in the branches of the trees so that I could be calm enough to sleep.

Everytime we make eye contact my eyes go soft and droopy and yours tighten with every beat of your heart.
Are you emotions ******* around the back of your tongue because I haven't heard a peep from between your God given teeth since the day we died.

in the moment that we first met
i think the wind held its breath
and the ocean ceased its movement
because why not watch a
beautiful moment play out?
the mountains pierced the clouds for us
and the birds pulled apart the universe for us
and the sun burned our faces into each
others' eyelids
but our hearts pulled us together with
their fingers tangled in our hair
i think the stars came alive again for us
to shine during the day
and the moon was borne a new face
one that smiled kindly


do you think the wind is back to whistling
tunes?
do you think the ocean is back to moving
mountains?
maybe the mountains have gone back to shrinking
and maybe the birds have run out of air
and the sun pointed its heat elsewhere
but i think our hearts still hold on to
our hair a bit too tightly.
the stars have gone back to disappearing
even at night.
and the moon has turned its face to the
darkened side of the galaxy

God, can't you hear the ghosts in my lungs and the spirits in my mouth?
My head feels like the sea has moved in and made a home.
I see the wind through the trees but all I hear is your voice.

i was going through hell and you were my piece of
heaven,
and now i can't tell if you gave me a taste of something i can't
have
and now i talk to someone that i sometimes need, that i sometimes
(want)
i guess it doesn't matter if this guy actually wants me for
me
but doesn't it hurt worse
now
knowing he's your best friend?