Sitting with the ironic weight of my cigarette smoke resting on my shoulders.
My body filling with worse things than tar.
Your name crosses my mind like an uncontrollable twitch,
again,
and again,
and again.
Some days it becomes comforting,
like a metronome.
Until I look down and I'm marching to the beat backwards.
Into my Parliament lights I think I've floated away,
only to see my exhales spelling out that name.
I beg to be introduced to a new beginning, as I so gently kiss them.
But they only know of one.
Their ***** souls are but feathers in my lungs.

maybe,
we both believe that it's just a word
and it can't possibly make up for all the damage
we cause time after time
to once again claim we're sorry

so, neither of us ever expected an apology
nor demanded one.

maybe,
we realise that it's unknowingly promising
to not repeat the same mistake
therefore, we choose to not disappoint each other
with the hope of sorry

so, neither of us expected an apology
nor demanded one.

maybe,
you know that your words can hurt me
but you say them anyway,
because there are times when I'm just as cruel
and we'd rather be equally destructive
than sorry

so, neither of us expected an apology
nor demanded one.

I promise to stop loving you tomorrow
but for tonight let me put my head
on your shoulder

I promise to forget you tomorrow
but for tonight we can get high on
the velvet porch

I promise to stop loving you tomorrow
but tonight let’s pretend
it isn’t tomorrow

I found you between touches on screens
through swiping on pocket machines
and I met you in the long shadow of sunset
you smoked a cigar and I a cigarette

We put the stars in our eyes
and found ufos and Russian spies
and gave ourselves to the not knowing
but knowing this wanting to keep going

So at one am we kissed at Chevron
with a smirking cashier looking on
and I did so without a second thought
because, honestly, how could I not?

Understanding
There is a fine line, between willing and understanding
the clueless hole left in your soul is grappling for the spark that once lit your heart
while you whistle nonchalance to the sea of faces that crash through your life like a broken wave
Because understanding is not done without willingness
and these problems you see so clearly in front of you honey, they don’t exist
not to them no, they don’t exist.
Those promises whispered in-between sheets late at night remain there, woven in the cotton that you have forgotten with the bite of yesterday’s dawn.
They implore you they do, presenting lies disguised as childish riles
and your bedroom light now is sheltered in shadow and it feels like a gallows, but they can’t see that.
No, they can’t see that.  

The lids of your eyes are left masked in disguise
these problems you feel no longer seem real
but the confusion does.
And that rise in hysteria that makes you grow wearier turns your soldier façade into something so vague
and you can’t explain it because your heart is like rock and the problem now is
You don’t know what.
That confusion is real and those things that you feel they are present they are true they are here.
But there is hope
Darling there is hope.
For you aren’t alone in a world full of scorn there are people that care honey, people are there!
But you can’t see that
no, you can’t see that.

Bone shards of our imaginary life
break loose from time to time.
Shredding their way
through my bloodstream,
they rip and tear at the fabric of my carefully pieced together reality.

I loved a quieter version of you.
A place where broken hearts held true.
And hands were firm, but nice, though strong.
A place where voices could belong.

I loved you in a fairy tale, a place where laughter was strong and hale.  I loved you in a tiny place, where no one knew your splintered face.

I loved you once, in a country song,
I loved you, loved you, till the dawn,
When truth erupted from each pore.
Your fists broke through the bathroom door.

How many moments locked in time,
Pictures of,
"I am yours," and,
"You are mine."
A fairytale written inside my head.
Our love affair was always dead.

And if I could only separate
The you I loved
From the you I hate,
Would it smooth those shards
Of broken bone
Of twenty years together,
But always alone?

*I loved the quieter version of you.