But I was awake then,

wasn't I?

you see, you don't think I remember.
But I do.

there was sunlight-

the kind of sunlight
that filters through
inescapable particles of dust, no matter
how much
I hate
to be able to see myself breathing them in.
the kind of sunlight
that absolutely glares
up off of the oil
on the asphalt
in the evenings
and blinds you hysterically.
the kind of sunlight
that swiftly stills
your rattling skeleton
and begs you to stare
"But mother, only for a minute..."
the kind of sunlight
that makes me remember
my own unanswerable questions
about my subtle deterioration
my inevitable decline
into this utter chaos
that is myself.

and through this degradation, this decomposition, I realize
that I can't help but wonder:

when did these superfluous trees take root?

where were you when the first seed of doubt landed on the surface of my parched, withering mind?

and, my God, why on Earth did you let it rain?

I can't wait to partake in things that make you sick.
My stomach stays high tide.
Stay away from it if you can't swim.
My guts are laid out in patterns;
peaches and fruit flesh stuck to fingertips.

(**** my **** then give me a kiss.)

I can't wait to imitate art contained in this.
Two figures trapped within an unfinished painting.
Four strokes of inspiration to complete the lips.
A splash of white to end it.

Dear daughter,
I love you
Let me start with that.
I am proud of the person you are and I promise I will always be here for you.

I want to remind you of some things that I've needed to be reminded of over the years.
1. You are beautiful in more ways than one. You have beautiful eyes that shine when you talk about something you love. Your smile is beautiful, the way it automatically brings light to the room. You are beautiful for the scar you will inevitably have on your knee (you're my daughter after all) because it shows you have fallen down but were strong enough to get back up. You are beautiful for your thoughts and ambitions: for your hopes and dreams.
2. Never ever compromise your intelligence. There is nothing wrong with liking to read or being good at biology. And if someone can't accept you for your knowledge, they do not deserve to know you.
3. You are not defined by test scores. Tests don't measure things that are really important. They can't see your compassion or kindness or courage. You are so much more than a number or an acceptance letter. Never forget that.
4. Never base your self worth on a number on a scale. "Fat" is not the worst thing a person can be. "Fat" is not worse than vain or cruel or arrogant. I would much rather you define yourself as intelligent and clever and brave and a thousand other things before your physical appearance comes to mind.
5. Read Harry Potter.
6. You will never have to do anything to make me happy. Now, I'll probably make you play basketball when you're little, but if you hate it, you can quit. You don't need to play sports or be good at music for me to love you.
7. I know how crippling it feels to be left behind and if someone doesn't fight to be close with you, they do not deserve you. Trust me, I know it hurts. I'm sitting here writing this to you as an 18 year-old freshman in college who feels as though the world is going to fall apart. As challenging as a time may be, I whole-heartedly believe that things will work out for the best in the end. Never lose hope.
8. There is no secret that you need to keep from me. I will always be proud to call you my daughter.
9. There will be times when it feels as though the world will come crashing down beside you. Trust me it does get better and in those nights when you can't fall asleep because you are so worried about how things may turn out, I will hold you and wipe your tears.
10. Someday, you will find someone who makes your heart skip a beat and tells you they love you more than anything else in the whole world. They will never be able to love you as much as I do.

I love you so much. There is nothing you can do to make me love you any less.

Love,

Mommy