The million dollar question
I’ve always cried out
to the empty atmosphere is:


Will I ever be enough…
Enough for me?

Everything is purposeless,
Meaningless…
But that can be inverted.
I just want to grasp
some kind of way to live
where I don’t feel
like drowning in a foggy daze.

They don’t tell you
about getting better.
How it will still always hurt as badly
as the early days.
Getting better still means
falling and repeating the parts
you hate the most about yourself..:
You just get up faster or take up a new problem.

I will always battle myself.
I can grow, but the pain remains.
I guess you just learn to react in other ways.
Is that better?
The funny part…
I’m not better at all.
I’ve just learned better
ways to lie to myself.

I’m just scared.
I’m so scared that I’m probably
afraid of being happy.
How do you change to gold
when you were born blue?

The only change I feel
is my new profound
self-preservation and a little voice that wants more…
And then I take that version and force her to just watch.
Watch me break.
Watch me want better for myself after.
Watch me repeat.
Nothing is different.
Just me in a room watching while another me in a room is watching
me self sabotage.

I don’t want
to be complacent
in the familiar pain.
I gotta get out of the
middle of this ocean.

I don’t
want to live
if living
is just
working
to eat
and
pay
bills.
*******,
America.

a voidless ache,
underlying everything.
it's worse
if you have already met before.
because despite it's dullness
at times...
you are constantly reminded
of how deep it can feel.
the only emotion
to cut through the space between
the emotional and physical.
the only emotional agony
to bring me to my knees...
gripping my chest...
i wish i'd die already.
but it's slow and methodical...
i don't want to be human anymore.

I wish heartbreak
came with a manual.
But honestly,
would it even help?
I imagine it would
be contradicting and maybe
go something like this:
"You may experience
the feeling that you are walking away
from the rarest love you'll ever experience...
But don't you worry,
because even if you stay a little longer,
eventually you'll convince yourself
you don't love them anymore, just enough to finally
end it.
Give it a week.
Oh, there it is... You feel that?
THAT feeling is the numbness wearing off
and only remembering the happy parts."
Or some ******* like that.
Probably nothing that specific though...
Only enough to have the majority relate.
I imagine the narrator would sound
overly enthusiastic...Which is hilariously inappropriate ...
But, really, is it that hilarious?

I thought getting older and
having experience in dating
would result in all of this
**** becoming less confusing...
But it really just feels worse
every time for me.
At the end,
I couldn't even differentiate
the pain and anger from the source.
Did he create this suffering?
Was it my reaction that set the course?
Was this all in my head and I was just overeacting?
Or was I justified to feel this ******?
Even if I was justified, would it have even made a difference?
It really got lost in translation,
and I feel like I got lost in identifying that.
Was this a hypnotic trance from narcissism manipulating the narration or was it using my reaction as an excuse to self-sabotage?
I just want to know what really happened.
I think that's the scariest part.
Am I so broken, I convince myself it was them?
Well, ****.
What are you still reading for?
I don't have the ******* answer.

this feeling is my familiar,
it’s rooted in life.
cocooned inside of it,
i am it’s prisoner.
a paradox, a willing disbelief
that hardens and worsens the ability to breathe.
i fight and i don’t feel any difference,
i can’t see any change.
i rinse, repeat
and the only growth i seem to feel is the growth of lost hope.
but one day
the cocoon becomes so tight
and dehydrated around my body.
you can make out my silhouette.
it cracks and i see a light.
come to find
despite darkness the entire time…
nearing the end…
i have metamorphosed.
learning that sometimes you don’t know how much you’ve evolved until you have completely gone THROUGH the loneliest time of your life.
now I have a strange appreciation
for the darkness,
because i have learned more in that time-frame than any other point in life.
i am lucky to be someone who can grow in those moments…some never will.

Sometimes… I really think,
truly think,
I want to be dumb and
succumb to the numb.
Being above-average
in self-awareness and
awareness in general
is a curse.
I can appreciate
the complexities and intricacies
in every day life…But
****,
do I feel so alone…
Because everybody else
seems pretty
content with average.

I have truly come so far
in my life.
I look back and recognize
the wisdom I have obtained from past mistakes.
I can appreciate and truly enjoy how much learned behavior
I have undone.
I have a long way to go, though.
I honestly didn't even realize it
until I fell in love and got sober.
It's hard to not want to rush my growth
when I see my toxic traits affecting the people I truly love.
I want to change overnight, but
I know it's not like that...
But I feel so ******
when I overuse "I'm Sorry."
Please, hold on.
I'm getting better.
I hope you see it, but this is me telling you
I can feel and see it internally.
I'm ready for therapy...
I think it will make me progress faster.
I'm ready to make an appointment
and go.
Just like I did for my addiction.
That's the next step.
I have removed the crutch...
Now it's time to heal the wound.
If the hospital bed is my drug addiction...
Then therapy is my cure.

Tired of people [typically men]
telling me to smile.
Why the **** would
I need you to
tell me?
Did you think
I forgot?
Let's allow
all of our feelings.
They exist for a reason...
And I hate to admit it,
but pain is when I have grown the most.
I love who I'm growing into.
Let's not shun
the bad ones.
We need them.
So...
******* laugh,
or get mad.
Cry a river
or lay in bed.
Feel them all,
because
they are needed.
Let them pass
and be on their way.
Don't pretend
or they'll never go away...
So, next time you tell me to
S M I L E,
how about you just
get the
*******
away from me.
I'd rather *****
than have you
mold me
into your little
*******
barbie.

You could call me fragile,
But...
Not in the way you'd assume.
I could walk away,
I could let you go,
I could fall out of love
and despite all of the above...
What really eats me alive
is all of my time
and energy,
wasted potential.
A project left unfinished...
A flame smothered to it's inevitable death.
It's the mary-go-round,
it's the never being surprised anymore,
it's being able to guess what's about to happen
and unfortunately being right...
Don't let me be your lesson,
before the next one.
Don't be the perfect guy for her
after being the worst to me.
I'm always the one before the one.
I want to be happy with you,
please don't make me do it alone.

you've got a lot to learn,
but i can't be your teacher
i can't be your lesson
i've transcended

my mind is in a separate realm,
like a server online
that you aren't allowed to join
the password can't be told, only known

you have hurt us
from the fear of hurting us
and you treat me poorly,
because you make up the future

you don't want the truth,
you want me to validate your belief
you can't believe for a minute
i could be a decent human being

what a shame
a ******* waste, truly
so much potential
only to fail from fear
of failing

Just ran out of my
Antidepressants
Feeling pretty
Depressed and
I'm dead meat
Sizzled by the street
I keep waiting
For my life to start
But it's all my fault
I don't want to go
Leave me in this hole
Bury me

All you need
To become viral
Is the ability
To know when to
Document via camera

Head above water
The shore looks so small
Will I ever be liberated
before the demons collect their toll?

I don't know the answers
To anything at all
I don't know if I'll be okay
I'm just floating along

being a
hopeless romantic
is just
appreciating
art
that breathes.

stale dating scenes
goodbye monogamy
society is changing
leaving me behind
no choice but to
align my mind

i am rough
i am so sad
i just
i want you so bad

articulating doesn't come easy
these emotions i have
twisted up inside me
bring me to the light
wring me out tonight

I'd die a thousand gruesome times
just to incarnate our love
The high is enough for me to drop all morale
I wish they'd bottle you up
Fill my cup
I want to feel you inside me
I don't know when enough is enough

i wish someone taught me
how to love,
to feel compassion,
hold ambition...
i guess we can't all be lucky
and have loving parents...

i'll just use my intuition.

I fall in love
with people I can't have.
It's in my design.
I wake up every morning
next to you
knowing you'll leave sometime soon.
It's in my design.
I know it's going to break me,
but I fill the cracks
with the time I have left with you.
I know you don't love me
like I love you.
It's in my design.
I'd die for you.

I've been thinking about my connection to drugs. I've thought about why I've struggled my whole life...to feel utterly powerless.
Sometimes
I'm so lonely.
I don't even think lonely is the right answer.
Empty.
Void.
Abyss.
Jaded.
I don't know.
It swallows me into this vortex and it pushes everyone I love away. It made my boyfriend whom I love leave me.  Like always. Not new.
I'm done. I have to fight. It's that or die.
I don't want to die...
Please. I don't.
Sometimes I wish I was never born.
It hurts so much.

Just as the ocean,
she's so beautiful
you forget it kills.
A lioness under
the face of a kitten,
her voice is mighty...
A step to a stomp,
a breath to a tornado,
a tear drop to a tsunami...
Her actions hold
a profound effect
in everyone's life.
She's so bright
that the sun
pales in comparison.
Her beautiful mind makes
maps look measily and vacant.
She is not a Queen,
but a Goddess.
Just as the world,
she's so mesmerizing
you forget you get lost.
You forget you're dying.

the fragility of my mind
renounces it's place,
takes me with a roar,
after a bad night: long overdue.

my skin feels unfamiliar
and the air feels thick.
my body shutters
at it's own mere existence.

everything that once was,
in a second,
isn't.

I seem to exhaust myself
way before expressing an opinion.
I believe it's my own way
of preserving authenticity to myself.
My own little secrets. It makes me feel like they hold more power....like a party full of rich people who exclude "regulars" and slap "Exclusive" as a theme.
Believe me,
when I say...
I don't have much else to offer.
I've given every piece
I've ever been familiar of myself
to some other outside source,
definitely, not worthy of having...seeing...touching.
Maybe it's a lie.
I could just be lying to myself.
Maybe I'm just tired and sad.

all we can
hope for...
wish for...
is to end every
conversation
worthy of a peaceful death

staying sober is so ******* hard
and i can't ever seem to get clean.
i can go for a week tops and then it's a huge ******. i wish it were easy, i wish i wanted to be clean...but honestly it feels so ******* good and i have zero regards for anyone i hurt in the process. i dont know how to conquer this disease. it's killed me once and it almost killed me a second time and i only used more after. what do i do? rehab ******, 12 steps ****, my sponsor ******. ****. i wont last forever if i keep using, because i fell in love with fentanyl.

you're afraid
of
being




alone,





because you're terrified of your own head.


that's
so
weak.

life is beautiful...
like a dark movie
through a child's perspective.
the only gift we have
is the ability
to be subjective.
i don't want to be perfect.
perfection is boring.
let's share scars
until the early morning.

Why can't sadness
be a one night stand?
Shed the tears
like a silk dress.
Caress the feeling
only until dawn,
just to leave before
it's known.

Already lost the race,
Caught up with the new mess I've made.
I think it's been a lie,
life beneath the sky.
Blue, brown, orange, green,
The people I have seen.

"I wish I already knew you.

It would be less awkward."

"You don't like people, huh?"

"No, not most."

I wonder
if my internet friends
would ever know
if i was dead
or a ghost.
I wonder
if boys
ever thought
of being
men.
Life could
just be
a sham.
Life could
just be
a dream.
I hope.

She has friends with careers,
Teslas and Mazaradis...
Just to brag for a minute;
Just to feel associated.
She ain't like them.
She ain't like them,
At all.

You have
as many chances
as you allow yourself.
Take one of them to be better.

Numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb.
You're just
a
number.

I'm often quite alone
in this room I claim my own.
There's moments I mustn't be,
but my doubt takes me to sea.
As I appear to be on edge,
my fingers dangling off the ledge...
I can't help but think:
I'm an anchor, I sink.

The ones
who pass me by
are the ones
I wish to give
all of my time.

If I love you
from afar,
I'll love you just right.
I can't touch you,
you're a light and
I will wither
beneath you.
I'm a museum;
You'll wonder around
and I might impress you,
but you'll always get bored.
Because I'm not
the real deal,
I'm just a collection
of the past.

I know you
******* hate me,
except when you were
hate-******* me.

I've accepted
my lonely death
awaits
and it's the only one
who will be at my wake.

Made my bed,
time to lie.
Don't laugh at me while I cry.

I'm afflicted
by all of my addictions
and my addictions
caused all of my inflictions.
There's never a touch
or a love
or a hug
to save me from
the inevitable.
The dark swirling
vortex
of my cortex
and the emptiness
in my chest
eats me from the inside out.
The chronic boredom
is a pest,
a tumor inside of my chest...
The **** oozes out
into my breaths
and suffocates me
until I say yes.

I died
and sunk to the bottom
of my soul.
Darkness prevailed.
There was nothing
and it was bold.
I felt the tears
of my family
thousands of miles away.
And all I could do
was say that I'm okay.
Death should of been
enough for me to stop,
but honestly speaking---
It's really not.

There is good
and there is bad.
There is happy
and also mad.
Beauty exists
and ugly, too.
But nothing compares
to all of you.
You see, nothing is real
and it's all we have.
Everything real
is made in our heads.

Some people are
Ready to let you go
Before you are
Just accept it

It's been really,
really  hard
to let you
go.

How could you
take all of my love
just to toss me to the side
the moment you're bored.
I wish you never
said all the things to make me
love you.
Now I'm left confused
and used.

I love you,
because I hate myself.

I depend too much
on other's reactions
to set me free.
Scrambling around,
cannot breathe.

He won't look at me
when he's mad.
He makes me go home.
Like emotional distancing isn't enough.
Your eyes stay fixed
on whatever the ****.
I know you aren't
really looking at anything
so

Look
At
Me.

I love you.
I know you don't love me.
That's okay,
that's okay.

Maybe someday.

I love you, because I ******* love you.
I don't need it reciprocated...
Though,  it'd be ideal.
Just know no matter what
I'm here.

I'm the scapegoat
for sad people
pretending to be happy.
If they focus the attention onto me,
maybe for a minute,
they'll forget their sadness.
God forbid,
they'd feel anything at all.

Pink shadow
patted by fingertips
and light lip gloss
spread across my lips,
a lightened face to dismiss
my dimness.
War paint has evolved
into an approachable
weapon that slowly takes ahold.
Engulfed in subtleties,
you don't view as whole
and it's too late
once you're left hollow.