I have too much fire within me to surround myself with the cool, damp air that is your being. You provide a few stones and a stick and expect me to maintain a flame. Then once it's created you want unearned credit that belongs to me. Contradiction hangs heavy on your sleeve.

I think we try so hard to be support beams for each other
Coexistence can't create happiness for us
I guess I have to watch your success from afar
Quietly proud of your achievements
I won't bother you
I'll just smile for you

Short lived changes make for short lived lives
The only real change is within, reasons to justify
Everything you did to me, and now you want to return
But I shouldn't let you in, not unless you've truly learned

clear blue skies
clarity
i know what i want
two hearts beat parallel
stroll hand in hand
cherish the presence
the lurking feeling of visible love
they are delusional to think we aren't good together
naivety is not worn best by us
it is no longer fitting
a mutual understanding fits us much better
bold, open
we feel free

I mentioned that I like my bedsheets white and ivory
I feel clean and pure
Tangled within them, we are pure
After a while you left,
splitting our passion down the middle and bringing half of it with you,     leaving me calm and satisfied
I lay here tonight, hours later, still disrobed
Still calm
Still satisfied
This bed, along with my hands..my hair..my inhales...
They sense only your scent
I am calm
I am satisfied

Flash back three years
I remember we were sitting on the couch when he got the phone call
He told me to stay home as he rushed to his brother's house to get some sort of... undesired verification
Unbelievable
It wasn't a joke?

Flash forward a few days
I stood behind him as everyone approached you, choking on their final goodbyes, then paid their respects to him and the rest of your family
I hyperventilated and had to sit on the steps in front of the funeral parlor
I can still picture them lowering your body to it's final resting place
I hope my rose lived a while on the case that holds your once fast-beating heart and beaming smile

Flash back to the previous July
The first time I met you
We snuck into your house to sleep, you walked in on us the next morning
It was really kind of funny
And you got over it quickly
Your biggest problem was you had just renewed your license
For the simple reason of wanting the heart on the back, you became an ***** donor
And the funniest part was they forgot to put the heart
You made a big deal about it, your mannerisms are unforgettably comical

The last time I saw you was Valentines Day
We were enjoying a quiet night in with dinner and wine when you knocked
You just wanted to tell us you were DJing down the road
You were doing good
Phenomenal, and we were so proud
You were happy
And we
were so happy for you

You gave him an irreplaceable friend
You gave him stories that if written would stretch across town twice
You made him feel when I was not sure he was capable anymore
And while we did not have the same fire, you still gave me something
Thank you for the rides to school
I can still envision your eyes in your rearview mirror
The tremble of your forehead's reflection from the bass
But you thought it was cool
You exposed me to new music
I remember they played Reggaeton at your wake, you were always so unconventional, and it always made me smile
And I remember that winter evening when you helped us decorate our Christmas tree
He watched, amused, as we bickered over where the last ornament should go, finally coming to an agreement

Though you are gone now
You live forever
I still visit you on holidays and decorate your grave with Giants gear
I still think of you when I see the heart on the back of a license
You couldn't have one on the back of yours
Yours was too busy beating fast enough to keep up with you
It's true when they say the good die young
And besides, I'm not sure you would have liked getting old
If you had it your way we'd all be young forever

my head is bouncing on the trampoline that is his chest
i never felt a heart beat so hard
how am i flowing with emotion while still so numb

i feel for him
i feel for everyone
my passion is endless

its been 4 years since my first heartache
ive loved twice since then
and felt lust for countless souls
yet songs of old love still tug at my heart strings

nothing physical lasts forever
memories last a long time
feelings are eternal

leave impressions
soft, approachable ones
which heal with tranquil justification

i dont wear bras

          my **** will look great when im old

i gave up on makeup

          unless its a special occasion or my friends are convincing

my fingernails and toenails are clean

              nail polish prevents your nails from breathing

ive outgrown my asthma

       my lungs rise and fall

          so deeply, so freely

since i was 15

   there has always been a boy in my life

          i intend to cross that off the list too

The kid next door
chases me into the night
with a smile and a spilling drink
Tonight will end alright

The kid next door
converses with wise men
who tell him how lucky he is
While I feel just as blessed

The kid next door
never took me for granted
but made me chase him too
And it was magic

But things change
and sadly,
The kid next door
lives nowhere near me

Was a quick **** more important than my trust?
Three strikes and you're out, your chances are up

I'm throwing in the towel
Your thoughts must be so shallow
Never thinking through the decisions that you make
Never realizing what you're throwing away

Impulse is understandable
You should know I understand
I just wanted honest answers
I'm sure it was unplanned

It's the dishonesty that truly bothers me
I'd sell myself out to let you know I'm really me
But you're quite the opposite, I really just don't see
How you hold your head up high and deny reality

Has my faith in you been a mistake since day one?
I've stood up for you since our friendship had just begun
I thought you'd have my back and be there for me too
I guess you simply lack to see the good in me..
we're through

Wine and unpacking
Something is lacking
I left it behind
But there's not a sign
Not even a trace
I can't see your face
Am I just a disgrace
Who can't find her place?

His heart is a ghost town
Everyone's a tourist
A visitor
They move in and unpack
Unknowingly awaiting eviction

Take a closer look and see
Shadows of what seemed to be
No real bodies live within
What seems so full is just bones and skin

I could write poetry about the way he touches me
But can't seem to describe how when he looks me in the eyes
I can feel his vulnerabilities seeping out of his skin for me

The tips of his fingers are ecstacy running up my spine
His palms are floating life boats that would never leave me behind

He makes me want to slow down time
and fast forward to see what we'd find

Right as he begins to drift off to sleep, kiss his forehead.

Be his sunrise. Make him coffee in the morning, even if you do not want any. If he holds your hand, grasp his in return, with all of the love in your body. Feel his pulse; his heart, pumping blood through his veins, through his hands, through his fingers, which wrap around yours with passion and life. Let it consume you.

This way, when all is said and done, he will remember your lips on his sleepy skin, and how he was protected at his most vulnerable...how his mind could rise peacefully with your help. He'll look at his open palm and wonder if yours is warm, and he can almost feel you intertwined with his lonely bones.

It may sting in the moment, but you've created a fire within him that will never burn out, and all you can do is hope that the next set of bones interlocking with his will be well worth his time. You've given him standards. You've given him what every soul deserves. You've given him love. And what ache isn't worth love?

We used to have a clear definition. Everything was easy. He slept on the left side of the bed. I had a toothbrush at his place and vice versa. I threw his out when he broke up with me. I think I did it for the symbolism. Mine is still in his bathroom. I think he just forgot it was there.

Where'd you go?
I look for you under my sheets
Under my skin
Under my surface
Feelings surface
But feelings have no home now
I love a ghost of what once was
But no longer exists

I'm a sucker
The spark we created when our eyes met has died down
and burnt out
There's no doubt

Some things aren't meant to last forever
No matter how beautiful
No matter how perfect
Maybe nature is running its course
and we have to let go
I hope it isn't so

Maybe one day we will cross paths
and with the slightest glance
everything will fall back into place

Maybe one day...

Got him hung up on me
He's a noose, I'm the tree
I hung up on him
He'll no longer win

Says he's thinking of me
Conversations are empty
That's nice, think twice
and don't ever speak my name
We both know you're to blame

Telling me not to be mean
Saying it's not who I am
But I know you're just a fiend
Not worth giving another chance
You've got blood on your hands

I washed mine long ago
No longer waiting in limbo
...It feels good to take control

So next time you think of me and the ways you ****** up
Know that I'm fine and you've ran out of luck

As I watch the smoke disperse through the screen of my bedroom window, I pick out our differences. The cloud loses mass as it blends with it's environment. While it is blending, it is being set free. But the more I allow myself to blend, the more I feel stripped of my freedoms.

He's a Brooklyn baby, he's oh so shady
The stars in my eyes make his look so hazy
"You're amazing, you're amazing,"
I'm high and dry, it's hell he's raising
I was so blinded, I think I've gone crazy
Thought we'd have a shot, but he'd never chase me
Emotions run hot, the fire is blazing
He called all the shots, I'm begging, "Just hate me."
But he left me waiting..he just left me waiting
My blue eyes bolted, I've folded, parading
Good times make all the trouble start fading
So he chases the moon with a Staten Island lady
My stars won't die down, and he's just downgrading
With nothing left to save, there's no more debating
He's spiteful and yelling, but all that I say is..
It was fun while it lasted,
Good luck, Brooklyn baby

It's come to an end
I think it was all pretend
He made me out to be the bad guy
I bent over backwards and he didn't even try
One day I was his, he was awaiting my return
But he left so abruptly, I guess I had to learn
Rushed into things, so it's fitting to rush out
She won't compare to me, and it's me he'll think about

Is it over?
You see, you've grown much colder
Say you should date someone older
How about you go get a boulder
and smash that idea to pieces
You're immature, how don't you see this?
Accusations and assumptions
They'll dig the hole deeper
One day it's "I love her"
& the next "should I keep her?"
There's too much bad blood
I'm not sure if we can filter it
It's filling our veins
Seems like you get a thrill from it
Putting all the blame on me
Try looking in a mirror, Vin
Your pride won't allow you to see
& my problem's fear won't let me win
Scared of different versions of you
that surface when you say we're through
But then you go and take it back
You break a glass then think it won't crack
Only so much damage can be withheld
Only so many chances...only time will tell.

My hands are tied
You've lost your mind
My hands are full
You're a handful
So now it's time
to loosen my grip
and let you slip
right through my fingers

You never support the ideas that I have
We're two different people, I'm not saying it's bad
Maybe we just aren't as good a match as we believed
You hide behind your ego, I wear my heart on my sleeve

An overload of empathy
Now I think it's apathy
Regardless of the outcome I can honestly say
I'm happy that things have turned out this way

I don't want sympathy, I just want to be understood.
I want someone to look into my eyes and send me chills,
because I can feel with every cell in my body that they understand me... understand the simple commonality of human experiences,
both positive and negative,
and how your vulnerabilities can shine through in moments that don't  
seem to make sense to you at the time,
but take a step back and take inventory of your traumatic timeline
it is so telling of your definition...Why you are how you are.
Acceptance is the key, not commonality, not normality, not anything other than a realization of the varying human form.

You wish to have your cake and eat it too
If it were up to me I would be with you
Spend my nights not out at the bars
But under your covers with you in my arms
You like to know of everything I do
That'd be fine with me if it were fine with you
But your way of thinking is "don't ask, don't tell"
You act as if I haven't treated you well
I deserve to be treated with much more respect
I give it to you, you think you're perfect
Out of you and I, who's the one who can't trust?
You can't tell the difference between love and lust

You're filled with inconsistency
But you can always count on me
With you I have to walk on egg shells
One day to the next, I can never tell
If you'll be like this tomorrow
If you'll be the cause of my sorrow
Or if you'll want to be the source
The strong and faithful force
Create a loving course
But you feel no remorse
You give me your shoulder
You give me your hand
Then you turn colder
And say I don't understand
How am I to grasp your intentions
When I have to fight just to keep your attention
And you failed to mention
That you were on the fence when
You decided to pick up and go
Barely a warning, it goes to show
I never cross your mind unless
You feel alone and in distress
You're never there when I'm a mess
But always to take off my dress
I know that it's not just the ***
But your indecisive notions are a stress
I've said it before and I'll say it again
Your lack of compassion's the means to an end

It might make you angry that I didn't kiss you
A lesson to be learned, I'm not here to please you
You can't always get what you want all the time
Opportunity came and went, you should note the signs
I'm sure my refusal instilled some resentment
But taking control gave me such contentment
You can't always get what you want all the time
I'm no longer yours and you've never been mine

I left the door cracked for you
You never had my back, did you?
I didn't leave it open for you to come and go as you please
But rather so we'd know we weren't here to deceive
I guess you took advantage, I guess I didn't see
That behind that cracked door was another just like me
Your intention was to get me, and to get me to believe
That it was all the real thing and it was only me
I have to close the door, turn the lock and take your key
I wish it wasn't so, it was me who can't believe
I wish that I could slam the door and exit angrily
But I am not like you and wish you were more like me
I know inside a part of me wants to hide a key
In case you're in the area and decide that you are free
I don't know what I'm thinking, you've done these wrongs to me
You made me feel important, but you have a set of keys

Home.
The settling feeling that even in the midst of a blizzard it is possible to be  centered, safe and satisfied.
You don't always need a fire to feel warm.
A mutual spark which ignites with the slightest glance.
I can see into your soul, and it makes me feel whole.
Let's keep things honest and leave the door slightly cracked,
so we know we're both here because we want to be.
If you want to leave, there's nothing stopping you.
But you stay. That's when you know everything is okay.

my heart is a roller coaster
an elevator and some bratty kid just pushed all the buttons at once
i dont even know which floor to get off
where was i going?

I will be your martyr.
I don't want to see you hurt.
I am a sponge. A black hole. A pin cushion.
Give me your worry and all of your pain.
I am John Coffey. I know how it feels and I am used to it. Add another straw, this camel's back is so worn out. I will lay in the sand and feel it for you. Just do not ask me why I cry when the sun is shining and I am beautiful.

*******. **** every fake thing anyone has ever spat at anyone in a sad attempt at acceptance. The truth is, we will never be on the same page. We're in different chapters. I admit, we're in the same book, but you're introducing the characters as I'm leading up to the ******. And as you're finally approaching that check point, I'm gaining closure in the form of two words: The end.

You've hit rock bottom and you aren't sure why but you're finding comfort in knowing you have nothing. Nothing to lose and nothing to gain. Nothing to prove and no one to blame but yourself. You need help. But when no one really sees past your desperate eyes made of glass, they will not break, won't show pain to a single soul..to the outside eyes you seem so whole..why should I share my tears with the ones not suffering? I want to be like them. They are my models of inspiration. Why would I risk watering down the smiles when this will only last a while.."Fake it til you make it" has never made so much sense to me. So I will follow their lead until I no longer bleed. Then I can be the leader of my own path. For now my path is blocked off by doubt and by fear. I just need someone to hear. I just need someone here.

I've spent the better half of today naked, twisting and turning in front of the mirror, trying to decide why to love myself. Because when I scrunch my rib cage toward my hip on one side it stretches on the other? revealing a line of one-two-three-four protruding ribs I wish to make music on with a drumstick, and follow the curved line south to reveal a sturdy hip bone? eager to be knocked on, choosy on who to open for.

Neutral. No ups and downs. Careless. Distracted. It's nice. It feels healthy. Ironically, my health is **** right now. But it's mind over matter and the matters don't seem to bother my mind. I think I'm grasping the concept of contentment and holding onto it easily. Effortlessly. It comes easy. I'm thinking clearly more often than previously. Not often enough for full satisfaction but improvement gives light to my dark days. Dark hours. Dark times are sort of seldom in light of a new mindset. Crossing my fingers in hopes for more than temporary. I need a real change, not a flip flop of thoughts due to a flip flop of events. I control the inside. Peace begins with me. Peace begins with me.

I am a passenger, riding shotgun unbuckled, daydreaming about destinations and awaiting their arrival.
But the road never ends and the numbers on the exit signs just grow and grow
and I'm fighting to widen my heavy eyelids
and before I know it I'm out of gas,
but when I raise my head and turn to the left, I face the harsh truth of an empty drivers seat
and can't recall the moment I was forced to do it myself.

I have had positivity creeping in from my peripheral into my absolute attention, creating magnificent distraction from the skeletons that plague me, but I fear the possibility, and probability of its impermanence, a temporary state is a useless one to obtain. I need to focus on the long term target, changes on the next level, the one outside of this peripheral comfort zone. 'What are you so afraid of?' I wish I ******* knew.

Feelings, different. New yet familiar.
Fresh, refreshing. Have I met you before?
So far it seems I have met him in the one place I look least.
I have seen his attributes somewhere quite close: within myself.
Odd. Surprisingly comfortable, calm, easy.
This is very easy. Let's keep going.

pick your poison and choose your battles
love yourself and ignore the *******
inhale the good and exhale the bad
this is a guide to get rid of the sad

when you open your eyes you have to smile
and know that the effort is always worth while
everything good takes some time
the dark has to show before the sun can shine
embrace the moonlight and you'll grow stronger
just trust that the sadness won't last much longer

Some days are harder than others.
It's 1pm and I'm still in bed.
I don't know what to do with myself.
What do people do with themselves?
Empty minded.
Reaching for something without physical effort.
Mental pictures.
Hoping.
Moping.
I can't give in like this.
But what else is there to do?

But sometimes doesn't frequent the way the love stories make you out to be
Show me you know the difference between the boy in you and maturity.
I feel forgotten, like the jewelry in my wallet, swimming amongst valueless coins that will one day come in handy, so I keep them there in case exact change is the easy way out. Ironically, change is never easy.
I'm your easy way out. Here when you need me. Here when you want me. But I always want you. It isn't fair. Why am I an option? Why was she there? No one else has slept in my bed. No one else has appeared in my head.
Sometimes you're the one when you decide I'm worth your time.
Sometimes you're the one if you have nowhere else to hide.

But sometimes is not a word in fairytales
and I am a dreamer.

Yes this is my house, but this house is not a home,
i struggle to find my own among the ones who seem so whole,
i fear that ill never be half of whats asked of me
but who are they to preach about a life that they don't lead
if i ever taste defeat ill lick my lips and ill agree
that this time its mine and i know nothing comes for free
so shine like a dime, know it works itself out in time
as long as i keep sane in my mind i know that ill be fine
the biggest problem i can find is these bags under my eyes
heavy like i've been cryin, but im just high tryin
drinking fine wine in the sunshine for a lifetime
or maybe im just high daydreaming of when ill fly

looking for validation in others is a vicious cycle
think for yourself, i know you've got your hands full
but nothing good will come from bringing yourself down
and telling yourself that you don't deserve to be around
i know we all have doubts, but I don't deserve to frown
every day of my life just because I let you down

this turned out to be a day as horrible as the rest
just when i think life is good i get hit with another test
im a ******* loser who cant even maintain friends
without a thought in my head im cutting my loose ends
**** the fake ******* who call themselves genuine
I'd rather lose by myself than stick with them and win

i dont want to use it
but i can draw a perfect mental picture of it sitting in my kitchen
to the left of the stove in the top drawer, in front of silver oven mitts
i dont want to use it
but i dont know what can take this pain away and stop my chest from caving in and my sighs from getting deeper and my breaths from getting faster with less space in between them to relax
i dont want to use it
but i can no longer relax
i need to feel the pain
seeping out of my skin onto the floor where i've been too many times before
i am weak
but i am not that weak
i wont use it

ill keep a glass of wine next to my bed tonight
i havent eaten much today and it is very bitter
but its taste is sweet compared to the taste of defeat
i feel so defeated
my hair is getting so long and it helps me feel pretty
when i dont even want to look in the mirror
all that stares back at me is a disappointed face
wondering where i've run off to
but i dont know where i am or where ive been lately
ill shake my head no to the thought of finding myself
but that is just my lack of self speaking up
covering my mouth so i can't figure it out
soon enough ill push the hand away and be free.
soon enough ill have the courage to be me.

I am idling.
Energy escapes through the open window, while the window of opportunity remains cracked on the far side of the room.
A mountain of doubt so high, I'm afraid I may fall upon climbing.
Afraid I may fail upon trying.

one step forward
ten steps back
glass that's falling
will soon crack
it always gets better before it gets worse
but better isn't coming and i am a curse
falling forever like alice down the hole
breaking on the way down, ill never be whole
faith in tomorrow and faith in myself
isn't enough to escape from this hell