i'm always thinking of every little thing you had done to me.
i wish i had felt more regret in those moments.
so much of my life was built upon one moment- one experience
and now all of that anticipation has vanished.
and much like many of these life events
i have found that its not all its made up to be.
the grass- although greener- shows no actual benefit to our mutual satisfaction and
that the best moments in life
weren't things that stemmed from being an absolute mess at 1 in the morning
drinking chardonnay a day too old
and rejoicing when all you should be doing is crying for your innocence.

i can see it-
i will change my life for you.
to drop everything- every bill i have paid for me, every free reign i have
to pursue a chance.
i will live alone- sell my gold and diamonds
work at a counter perhaps
if  it means
i can be with you- finally-
after all of this time.
if only you could comprehend the web i have weaved for my life
then you could see
just why i am so slow to jump into your arms.
it's not me i am protecting.
i never needed a shield to lessen the sting of reality's bite.
it's you i'm guarding

i would never want to hurt you
- even if that means i suffer for a lifetime
neglecting my desire for you.

to you
     i hope you take me as seriously as i take you
     there was a glimmer in your eye i swear i could see
     and maybe after all of this time- this game of tug
     of war we've had- our two lights could be joined
     together- like a star birth so fantastic in the vastness
      of the galaxy
i long for the day i can give you my undivided attention.
i know you appreciate me far more than i have been able
to appreciate you.
   i fear if i took any more time to look fully at your naked soul
you may become my obsession.
-and I may realize life would be impossible to continue
without you by my side.

we'll probably never be together, truth be told.
   but i envy the woman who fully devotes herself to your arms.
for she will know security without doubt, she will be drowned in the aftertaste of your sincerity- tingling from the warmth of your skin.
   i forgot to wish you a happy birthday.
   and I don't want to.
I want to be suspended in time every encounter we have- in a space where life does not weather our skins or tarnish our beautiful souls. i will remain young and still seemly, you aged in sparsity with a sophisticate air.
   I believe God has a plan for us.
in this life or the next.
maybe in the heavens our souls will rest.
but for now I pretend I don't care about anything
or anyone.
it will hurt too much.

until next time, you perfect- but oh so familiar- stranger.