is like being trapped
in a beautiful, comfy room
but trapped nonetheless

not falling for someone
is being free
but not having anywhere to go

I love you because
you never broke my heart
in the ways i expected

I wish you'd never
kissed me

did i lose it
or did i destroy it
piece by piece
a match thrown into gasoline?

i look at my shaking hands holding a cigarette and wonder
when i started smoking so much
when i started breathing in nicotine
the way i used to breathe in the scent on your neck
why i have to get **** drunk to forget the way you made me feel
while i kiss other boys and assure my friends that it's fine,
i'm over you
you were nothing to me, really
just a boy who doesn't know how to treat a woman
i look at you
breathing in nicotine like you're trying to suffocate your thoughts
and wonder
if you feel this way, too

i don't remember much about that night
except that it didn't feel nearly as wrong as it should have
and that it left me
in a whirlwind of my own elements
the only boy i've ever misunderstood
has turned my world all over again
and i can't even remember what your lips felt like
and i know that when this doesn't work out
i can go running back to you and you'll be
waiting with open arms
asking no questions
simple. boring. bland.
i don't want him the way i wanted you
but it sure as hell feels like it when he makes my mouth dry
and my mind move at a million miles per hour
with just a look
in the way you couldn't do in my wildest imagination
it's not going to end well
i can't wait.

i never meant to make you think i don't love you anymore but my life is an ocean and loving you comes in waves
but sometimes I get lost at sea

i don't make art anymore
all i make is mistakes

i crept out my back door to meet you
on the best night of my life
we fought
and all i could think
was "i love you"
i hope one day
we can see each other
in the light
again

i told you to leave me alone
and you did

i lay on the cold ground
cement pressing into my back
and i think of how it's a cruel joke
that we fight in your car all night
when we used to lay in fields
until dawn,
caressing each other because
we needed raw, skin on skin contact,
immediately,
not because it was convenient

i don't know what happened
that made your eyes harden,
but i can't look at you knowing it's not the same
and knowing that you won't ever hold me at midnight again
and i can't be with anyone else,
because when you kiss me it's like a tightrope connecting
your lips to my lips,
my lips to every nerve ending in my body,
but somehow i still have to question whether you love me
because i can't love you like i want to
so it all
means
nothing

i tore your heart out of your chest
and ripped it in two
so fast
you still don't know what hit you
but when i looked
into your tear stained eyes
i gave you mercy;
i lied