You pick me up in your car
I'm already waiting outside
Shopping and lunch, you suggest
I think it's the perfect plan.

As you drive, we catch up
(I hate that we've been apart)
You tell me stories
About people I don't know
Jokes I don't understand
But try to laugh at
All the same.

Somewhere, on the way
Your car splutters
And fails to start on the hill
You're annoyed, say we'll be stuck here
I am secretly thrilled
But then worry
That you don't want to be with me
For that long.

It clearly shows on my face
As you reassure me
Put your hand on my leg
(I wish you would keep it there)
And tell me help is on its way.

Your Mum arrives
As you're calling a repairman
She calls me your girlfriend
I don't correct her
And stand close to you
When your phone call ends.

I try not to read into it
When you don't move away
(After all, we're used to being close)
But still savour the warm smile
Your Mum gives me
Before she drives away.

We window shop for hours
Slip back into our old rhythm
I reach for your hand
Instinctively
But you move yours away
Before mine has reached it
And I'm left grabbing
At the air
Trailing behind you.

We try on stupid hats
And laugh and laugh
(Is it weird that we're friends now?)
You're in a great mood
And I'm proud to be with you
As you put on a show
That passers by
Stop and smile at.
(It's awful being just your friend now)

We have lunch at a bistro
Our table is small and intimate
And our knees touch
Under the table
It makes me blush but
I love it.

You say you have something
You want to tell me
My heart leaps
And flutters.
I take a sip of milkshake
To avoid saying something
Stupid.

You look me in the eye
And tell me
That you've met someone
And she's perfect
You couldn't be happier
You have a smile
 fixed on your face.

The milkshake
Curdles with my stomach acid
My mouth is dry
I think I'm going to be sick
And excuse myself.

You don't notice
That I'm quiet for the rest
Of our lunch.
You speak enough for
The both of us
Telling me stories
That I don't want to hear.

My ears ring
Like mourning bells
And I feel dizzy.
My face is pale
Under the artificial lights
I wish I was anywhere
But here.

You drive me home
Thank me for the
Nice afternoon we had.
I go in and know
That I can never see you
Again.

As I am not your friend
And never can be
As I am not quite over you
And I'm hurting
More than I'd admit.

I put sun cream on in the bedroom
You told me you liked the smell.
Later, sand stuck to it
When your hand was on my thigh
And your tongue in my mouth.
I tell my mother but not my friends
Because it wasn't as good
As I thought it would be
And I'm worried I did something wrong.
The next day
I avoid your gaze in the cafe
But you see me and
You pay for my ice coffee.
We go for a walk
I'm too awkward to say a thing
Our hands nearly brush, never touch.
We reach the pier
And I feel comfortable enough
To tease you about
Your Hawaiian shirt.
You're bashful, tell me it's second hand
And it smells musty, like dust
I suggest sun cream
And you smile, it's not awkward anymore.
You walk me home and
Kiss me before I go in
I thank you for the coffee
And watch as you walk
Down the path
Glowing in the evening sun.
Summer ends
And you promise to call
But never seem to find the time.
I watch your life unfold on Facebook
And we become strangers.
But I still think of you
Whenever I smell
Sun cream on my skin.

I feel your gaze
Tracing the outlines of my face
As I turn page after page
Of the book
That I now cannot
Take in a word of.
Instead I pretend
That I'm still
Absorbed in the words
While simultaneously
Running my tongue
Over my lips
To make them shine
And sitting up straighter.
I wonder if your observations
Are of disdain, curiosity
Or even admiration.
I pretend they are
And let myself feel beautiful
And powerful
For a minute at least.

How do I feel?
I'm feeling lonely and bitter
Twisted and unsatisfied
My eyes hurt from crying
And my head pounds
I've been pushing down
The overwhelming urge
To sob
As I have to get through the day.
But I feel fine mostly yeah
I'm ok
Just heartbroken and all that
But fine I promise.

My too sweet jam on toast
And my too bitter coffee
Should have made for
A perfect morning.
But I am in mourning
So it all turned to dust
In my mouth.

You said you liked
My skinny blue jeans
Which I took to mean
You really liked me,
Because I like you
Early in the morning
With your hair messed up
And it's so ****** up
Because I dreamt
I was good enough
But I'll never be good enough
For you.
And you laughed at
The love letters
Thought you could do better,
Dismiss the girls that we meet
On the glistening streets
Who fawn and paw over you-
I know how they feel
Because I feel it too.
I'm sorry if I bore you
But I really adore you
Because you were so nice to me
Once upon a time.
I like your smile
And your old blue fleece
I once felt complete
But now I struggle
To feel anything at all.
I can't pretend
That I'm more than a friend
Because reality grounds you
Shows the world in it's true hue
Like the ending of tragic tv.
Because you never liked
My skinny blue jeans
And you certainly
Definitely, in all honesty
Never liked me.

Every day I fall in love with strangers
Our one second, once chance meeting
Becomes a beautiful story.
Most end with tragedy
The sorrow beginning
When I inevitably never see them again
But the story is perfect all the same.
The boy in the blue tshirt
Sat across me on the bus
Becomes my troubled protagonist
He's flawed but perfect all the same
Our paths won't cross again
But wasn't our tale magical
While it lasted?