Melissa

Melissa Nov 2015

Ana

I wasn't looking for Ana—I had just seen her around

I didn't try to find her—it was me that was found

I wouldn't have guessed that we'd ever meet

But Ana's so clever—she just can't be beat

She'll crawl through a window when you close all the doors

And Ana, she's looking to settle a score

At first it was hard (controlling the greed)

But I've learned that Ana's the only friend I need

Free as a bird, light as a feather

I'm only happy if we are together

When the 'real' me started to show through my skin

people said, "you look so pretty, you look so thin"

No one realized I wasn't yet done

Cause Ana's work had only just begun

I realized I wasn't quite yet ideal

Life would be better if I skipped a few meals

As the scales dipped lower in my favor

I discovered 'skinny' was the tastiest flavor

Angles are corners, and corners can hide

Everything fat and twisted inside

When people started giving me looks

I smiled and said 'control' is all that it took

They shook heads, mouths curling down

I returned their disgust with a guarded frown

My friends tried to beg me to eat

But Ana just wouldn't let me cheat

Ana said eating was giving into fear

How could we stop when perfection was so near?

My parents told Ana was giving them a scare

But they didn't understand me so I didn't care

They told me Ana wasn't all that she seemed

But Ana had helped me achieve what I dreamed

Ana's the greatest and truest of friends

She promises that I'll be beautiful close to the end

It's Ana who holds my hair and lets me release

Whenever the urge to purge doesn't cease

Ana, oh Ana, so sneaky and wise:

"We're going to be friends until one of us dies"

I have to hide her away, people just don't approve

Ana's in my life and she can't be moved

Even if they tried, they couldn't take her away

Ana's in my heart and she's here to stay

People won't ever find in me what they seek

Because Ana has helped me perfect my technique

Then one day I felt more pain in body than in my heart

And I realized it was too late for me and Ana to be apart

Go ahead and befriend Ana if you dare

But reader, oh reader, please beware

You think that it's Ana who truly cares

But it's Ana who will haunt you everywhere

Once Ana gets a grip on you, she won't give you up

She'll just throw out your plate and empty your cup

"When people try to help, don't let them in"

See? With Ana, you can never win

After a while, she's gained all your trust

"lose more" she whispers, and you know that you must

For Ana's the master and you are the slave

She'll punish you sorely if you misbehave

It's too late by the time you realize the monster she's made

That's when you've already begun to fade

Please listen, dear reader—it's not the weight

It's not you—it's Ana that you truly hate

Ana's a wolf disguised as a sheep

But she'll stay by your side when death comes to reap

Ana and Mia are one in the same

Eventually it's your soul that they finally claim

I was fourteen when I paid the ultimate price

From taking dear Ana's 'helpful' advice

For my sister.

#depression #anorexia #bulimia

Melissa Sep 2015

who the...is that

this isn't really a poem
but who the crap is in my profile picture
i don't know that person
i just logged on
wow

Melissa Sep 2015

bullets

dodge the bullets
like one, two, three
I'd take a hit for you
would you take a hit for me?

don't give me a gun
I'll just use my feet
dance out this frustration
because you're bringing the heat
to this crumbling nation
we've long grown cold
but now we're melting
it's easy to say you'd die for someone
but I've got too many holes
for a bullet to go through and miss
heaven's not the place for wicked souls
I can hear the flames crackle and hiss
and I'm sweating bullets

I'm under fire
but I'm all burned out
the smoke rises higher
and I'm covered in soot
don't give me a gun
or I'll just shoot my own foot

the empty shells
(like us) lined up on the floor
your apathy says "oh well"
but your heart wonders what for
why are fighting?
when we can't win this war?
trade our ammunition
for empty promises
now listen,
those shooting stars are just comets
but they won't shoot us
we've got a bullet proof vest
I've given you a gun
I'm willing to test
the strength of my armor

they say faith is dead
but that's lie,
it's just that man's biggest enemy
is his own head
and to the silence the voices
he'll take his fingers
half cocked, safety off
in the shape of a gun
and pull it up to his head, crying "help me"
but the hungry will watch
because violence is fun!

dodging bullets
in quick succession
my feet heavy like lead
I have an confession
that I'm not bulletproof
you just have bad aim
you're out of bullets now
come back when you've figured out
how to play the game

Melissa Sep 2015

trigger

I put the gun to my head
thinking the world
wants me dead
count the bullets
leave no room for mistakes
"just pull the trigger"
they say that's all it takes
they come bursting through the door
but they don't understand
I don't want to live anymore
I don't see them
they're in the shadow of a demon
in my mind, I just see him
he begs me, "pull the trigger
before they stop you
pull the trigger
so I can rest, too"
I whisper boom
feel the cold metal against my head
but apparently
my brother doesn't want me dead
and it's too late
I've missed my chance
and now there's no trigger to pull
yet

#suicide #depression

Melissa Sep 2015

dear jack

mr. daniels
please hold me tight
I need a little comfort
on this lonely night

dear mr. daniels
please be my friend
and I'll be yours
until the very end

hey mr daniels
can I call you jack?
take away my memory
I don't want it back

okay jack
treat me well
I hope you know
what I had to sell

come on jack
I need a release
we can go all night
until they call the police

please jack
lets get in a fight
don't you dare go easy
I want to lose tonight

#depression #alcohol #jackdaniels

Melissa Sep 2015

get out of my head

i can't get you out of my head

you're always there...all the time

i know we both have somebody

but i want so badly to call you mine

even if it's just for a little bit

one day—one night

i have to have you (so desperately)

it's just my conscience i fight

we both know it's wrong

to feel this way

to touch each other like this

there'll be hell to pay

but i don't want you to stop

and so it doesn't stop you

are you sure you want to go on?

oh god, i think i love you, too

what would they say if they found out?

because dear, we're their best friends

this'll be our little secret

we'll keep it to the end

why does this have to be so hard?

i can't hurt either of you

can't i just have you both?

i don't know what to do

because i love you as much

as i love her

if not equally

than just a little more

#cheating #affair

Melissa Sep 2015

morning

sometimes you don't really love someone

until you know what it's like to wake up one day

thinking you'll get to see their smile and hear their voice

and you breathe in. with that sinking feeling in your chest

because you've realized that they won't be beside you

you've realized you're alone and you won't hear their voice

see their smile or touch them again

because they're gone from you

and you run your hand where they used to lie beside you

feeling the sheets (were they always so rough? you thought they were soft.

and maybe once upon a time those sheets were soft when they held a body

but that body is gone gone gone)

and you can sit there in bed with your legs growing numb

knowing that your only one is out there laughing with someone else

kissing, touching, loving someone else

and getting coffee at that cafe they loved so much and maybe reading a book

and it kills you because you don't know where they are

or if they're thinking of you like you think of them at 3 am when you can't sleep

or if they have no trouble sleeping at all, because they're not in the same pain

and you've been struggling to get out of bed these past few days

and today you won't get out of bed. you'll just lie there and think

about how things used to be and how they are now and how it *****

and you'll torture yourself with thoughts like this, but you can't help it

you'll just lie there, immobile. drowning in your own thoughts and emotions

and you'd give anything to not feel anything but you feel everything

except the feel of your lovers skin because you don't have a lover anymore

you're just going day to day, barely making it through

but god help you if one day you decide you can't make it through

and you finally get the courage to cut a little deeper

or finally load the gun and pull the trigger

and you'll go without a note, because they didn't leave a note

but it'd be stupid to go like that, you aren't that bad off

are you? you don't know anymore

that feeling in your chest is your anchor in your sea of troubles

and inside of floating you're sinking, why don't you just swim?

you roll over in your bed, the mattress creaking and you inhale

breathing in the lingering scent on the pillow

how many months has it been since they were there?

how many months since you were able to breathe them in?

and you lie there for a while, pretending you were snuggled close

to the only other person who could understand what you were thinking

and read what your eyes screamed so loudly

all you have is a photograph, the edges crinkled and soft

because you've kept in your pocket so every time your hands

got a little lonely you could reach in and hold them one more time

you hadn't thought they were serious when they said they'd be gone

in the morning, but here you are

alone

in the morning

**breathe out.

#heartbreak #breakup