In my shyness . . .
At times I retreat to my "shell,"
Clinging to the security of being alone.

In my shyness . . .
I may attempt to merge with my surroundings--
To be ignored, unnoticed, a silent voice rarely heard.

In my shyness . . .
I can feel completely alone,
Although surrounded by people.

In my shyness . . .
I'm perceived as having a padlocked soul--
And few try to gain entry into my realm.

In my shyness . . .
Few will dare venture to really know me--
To hear my quiet voice or to really try to understand.

In my shyness . . .
I can have a myriad of words to say,
Yet, my sealed lips will not release them.

In my shyness . . .
The words I do speak will at times be jumbled,
And I'll feel worse for having spoken them.

In my shyness . . .
I will be viewed as "stuck up" and unfriendly,
Labeled by the presumption of a troubled past.

Yet, despite my shyness . . .
I will at times emerge from my "shell,"
And you may catch a glimpse of who I am.

And despite my shyness . . .
I may put on a good "front,"
Disguising my innermost insecurities.

Despite my shyness . . .
A select few will manage to penetrate these "walls,"
With the sharing of time and the evolving of trust.

My shyness . . .
Frequently unrecognized, seldom understood--
A shackle, a haven, a veil.

I help you through hard times, as you do I
But you really don’t know how much I hide
Even though we are the best of friends
I really don’t think you can understand
I can’t bear the hurt, I can’t stand the pain
A feeling of numbness I can’t explain.

This is a life in which I walk alone
Full of hope shattered and broken
Always angry for no reason at all
Constantly wanting to end this brawl
Fighting with myself again, and again,
Sometimes I want this life to end

Mom’s depressed but chooses to hide
Takes out her anger on those by her side
Doesn’t understand I try to help
She shuns me out, and hates instead

Grandma’s enduring an unstoppable fate
sickness has gotten her on the plate
Its sad to see such an innocent person
Become another cancer victim

Too many friends are hurt as well
Thinking that their life is hell
Too many friends wanting to stop
Thinking suicide is the only option

But inside me is the worst of all
I don’t know how long I can stand tall
Memories of happiness are shooed away
But horrible twisted thoughts to stay

Nothing I do can make her proud
There’s no silver lining on her clouds
I’m a rainstorm filled with dark black skies
And a haunting rainfall full of lies
I only wish I could make her see
I’m trying hard so I can be
Someone she that can trust and love
Instead she tells me I’m not good enough
Everything I do is a wrong decision
She constantly tells me I’m not living
The path that she truly wishes I’d take
But I’m only one big mistake
If I could I’d erase myself from here
I wouldn’t have to live this fear

I also wish I could be skinny
And always happy, fun, and pretty
Instead I look at myself in the mirror
Disappointed in the reflection that appears
It’s hard to live when you don’t love who you are
Wishing that you could change it all

Every day I make a mental note
How much would I miss, if I decide to go
And how much hurt makes me lean towards the edge
Is slowly creeping up the hedge
How much longer can I last?
Before my life becomes one of the past

Mother is there when I get home from school,
I'm happy there, hyper and playing the fool.
But as I pull on the handle and turn the key,
I feel a sense of dread and fear fill me.
I have a secret, a dark one,
A secret I've never told anyone.
Everyday when I come home,
Mother waits till I'm alone,
Then she'll hit me with a spoon or shoe,
Till I bleed, till I'm black and blue.
Dad left us when I was three,
Since then all she's done is blame it on me.
I'm ugly, stupid, and tarty
It was my fault he left us, "You hear that you brat?!",
With a duck and a dive, I sometimes manage to swerve,
But I know in the end I'm going to, "Get what I deserve".
Hospital a few times, "I was playing with my brother",
It's one lame excuse after another.
One of these days, I'm going to break free,
One of these days, I'll be truly happy.

But until then I tell no one,
I have a secret,
I'm not telling anyone

Fires ablaze within my eyes,
A smile concealing all my lies,
Screaming, begging, calling out,
A final, frantic, desperate, shout.

Scarlet tears drip from each vein,
A vehement covet to end this pain,
This silver blade, stays by my side,
Because all hope inside has died.

As each day ends, and darkness draws,
The devil toys, with all my flaws,
I'm helpless, alone, a worthless mess,
A broken child, he must address.

I'm tempted when he calls my name,
A way out, an escape, an end to shame,
To make it feel a lot less real,
A deal with the Devil, in blood must I seal.

They'll say I died of suicide,
But no one knows how much they've lied,
It wasn't a rope, a blade, or pills,
That broke my soul, and gave me chills.

I died inside so long before,
To live each day, an endless chore,
Pills could not **** what was already dead,
A twisted soul, an empty head.

In darkness I wait, in silence, alone,
Rose-tinted nostalgia, all around me has grown,
I beckon the devil, with the key of self-harm,
And I open the door for him, with the blood of my arm.

Paxil to make you happy
**** to make you high
Nyquil to make you sleep
Energy shots to make you active

I’m told to feel a certain way
Suddenly heartbreak doesn’t feel sad
And tears don’t feel salty anymore
Love doesn’t feel good at all
And pain is something I can’t feel
A drug filled world is where I live.

Prozac to make you glad
Mary Jane to make you rad
Atarax to make you tired
Dayquil to make you work

I’m fumbling in ecstasy
Living life sounds make believe
My reflection looks old and weary
An old soul has more zing than me
I can’t get pleasure even from me
A drug filled world I where I live

Zoloft to make you smile
Mushrooms to make you fly
Tylenol to make you weak
Aleve to make you strong

I’m losing my mind
There is no strength even in my finger tips
My legs search for a firm grip
My heart seems to have stopped
And my mind can’t control me anymore
A drug filled world is where I live

Next time I won’t let you give me that drink
And I won’t drink it
Next time I won’t let you lead me into a secluded corner
And I won’t drink more
Next time I won’t let you kiss me, your hands snaking down my side
And I won’t kiss back
Next time I won’t drunkenly slur "you can come to my house, my mom’s gone"
And you won’t come over
Next time I won’t let you lead me to the bedroom
And we won’t be in there
Next time I won’t let you take your clothes off
And I won’t take off mine
Next time I won’t let you touch me
And you won’t touch me
Next time I won’t let you push inside
And I won’t feel you inside me pushing
Next time I won’t cry out in pain
And you won’t keep going anyway
Next time you won’t be there
And I won’t let you inside

Inside is mine.
Next time you aren’t allowed in

Til she cries no more
One day those tears
Will be wiped away
Her purity violated
Left desperate and exhausted
She will cry no more
Her anguish will be felt
Through her silence
Her pain will be in the absence of any words
She will refuse to be hurt anymore
For she has cried her last tear
And will not be subjected to the torment
Of abuse that you give her
Till she cried no more.

Open eyes soon shut again
Only to live out a dream
Some of the visions are lovely
Some of them cause you to scream

A vision I hold in my mind
A vision of just what may be
I pray to the Lord up above
That the vision does not come to be

I see myself huddled and crying
I see crimson that stains where I lay
I see my life bleeding before me
Please take this vision away

Come now to me the goodness
I know in my life it is there
But just how long should I suffer
Will the pain forever be there

Answers to questions not answered
So onward I slowly must trod
Would it be easier to give up
And lay down into the sod

Yes it would make some things better
Yes I would worry no more
But I know that there is a reason
That God allows me to feel pain evermore

When my desires fail
when my wishes end in vain
I, a human, my soul feel pain
then, my heart is broken, I wail
My eyes are like perennial rivers
it doesn't matter the seasonal change
Flows continuously, as it has no range
I feel so lonely, in the world of tears

It's the feeling, where my mind topples
where my capillaries collapse
my limbs, my lips, my muscles
shiver in fear, vibrate in pain
A stone covers my vocal cord, my voice
Who can control my body organs, even I can't!
My sense organs are in a frozen state
My eyes flow still, without any evaporation

Life always deflects in different directions
My parents console me, relatives scold me
life is a trap from where we can't flee
cycle of life keeps rolling, inactivating our actions
OH! My Almighty, how terrible this pain is?
Who has the strength to hold my broken heart?
Who can give me the healing art?
Say me.....How can I escape from this?

I take my second big hit
The dark room becomes lit
It's starting to make me feel good
Just like it should
I'm confused and I don't care to worry
My memories are becoming blurry
By the time the joint comes back around
I can't get off the ground
Starting to loosen up, I'm starting to forget
My heart is beating so fast, I'm starting to sweat
Can't remember what pill I took
Didn't bother to look
As long as it takes everything away
And eases the pain for today
It's my turn again, I cough and choke
But I still take another ****
I'm so happy it's unreal
I can't explain how great I feel
So many ridiculous words are spoken
My heart no longer feels broken
Laughing so hard I begin to cry
I can hardly hold my head up high
He is no longer swaying from a tree
Now nothing can bother me
My pulse is really starting to race
But at least I can't see his face
I can try to quit
Or cut down a little bit
But this is all I can do to make him go away
Because he haunts my mind every second of the day

If tonight I die,

Who will cry?

Strangers with their feigned interest,

While those I love have turned away.

And if my best isn't good enough,

What more can I give?

Go ahead--walk away.

Just leave me here alone.

And if tonight I die,

Who will cry?

All my strength is drained,

With nothing left to give.

Drowning in the depths of sorrow,

No tears left to cry.

A silent voice and distant eyes

That no one hears or sees.

And if tonight I die,

Who will cry?

Each day I live, the pain consumes
What little sanity I have bloomed
Like walking in a cloud of fog
Falling down, sinking into smog

Life just seems grim
I think on a whim
Interest lost in everything I do
But what a life, who really knew?

Depressed to a fault, that all I see
Death just seems like the only way for me
A waste of time, I feel I am
But that's its nature, a full mind jam

I try and try to ease the pain
A fallen effort with no gain
Thoughts begin to eat away
Makes me want to end it today

Uncomfortable around others for the way I feel
I pray and wish this all wasn't real
Life just seems more like a prison
Caged, alone, an abomination risen

No one could ever understand
Why I would want my death sooner than planned
Its not something I want for me
But to end my suffering this is what has to be

So I write this all as I fall from grace
Down to this place, some barren waste
I know not how much longer I will last
But all I can do, is pray that this will just pass.