I was fifteen, thinking about unzipping my veins.

i spent all night
trying to scrape you off
my skin

my thoughts cannot move an inch
without bumping into
some piece of you

i spent all night
looking over my body
washing off your hands
and eyes

i cannot stop myself
from constantly
falling into you
over and over again

You are always second guessing
yourself, you are full of things that
are unfinished and unsent and I
wonder how many times love has
only seen the world from behind
your teeth because you never
found courage to say it. I want to
know the secrets your backspace
holds because sometimes I think
the reason you’re misunderstood
is just because the things you feel
so clearly only make it to the tip
of your tongue before you swallow
them back down
.

I would be happy to hold the words for you
if they're too heavy
or sharp
I would be happy to carry the world for you
if ever you drown
or can't find the beauty
in oblivion
or in yourself

don't forget I will always

i am far too flammable to be playing with matches like this but i like the way your hands burn and i like the singes on my dress, my hair, my skin and i know i shouldn’t but burning feels more alive than freezing and my body has been shaking from the cold for months now and even if this hurts just as much it’s so nice to just feel something, something different, something at all. cold eats you from the inside out, the ice spreading from your stomach to your throat before it appears on your lips and cold feels like nothing. you lose the sensation of touch and you lose your breath and it happens so slowly you don’t realize it at first. this is what my life has been like: slowly freezing me solid, deep freeze through to my heart, until my flesh can’t remember what it’s like to be flushed and warm and alive. fire is different; the flames dance on your skin and scorch you before your nerves register the feeling, before you realize the danger, and this is what you feel like. i want to commit small acts of arson with you and i want us to burn down the house i grew up in and we can kiss with the flames reflected in our eyes. you are my original sin, you are my Morningstar turned lucifer, you are mine.

would music make sense
and words taste less bitter
when we place them on our lips
and spit them to the ground
because we want others to trip over them

would we all take smaller steps
and trace the edges of our limits
before we jumped into uncertainty
like we always do
because time doesn't pass fast enough
for anyone

would we never be afraid
of darkness
if we would live in it entirely
and help each other
touch each other
find each other
behind our blindfolds
because we are lonelier when
we only see our insides

would we reach for a smiling mouth
just to feel it
would we listen for teardrops
just to crawl our way to catch them
because we want others to
save us from oblivion

if the world was blind
would you be cared for
loved
admired
?

if the world was blind
*who would you impress?

My parents spent so much money
and so much time
on swimming lessons when I was young.
I think they would be disappointed to know
that after 10 years of lessons,
I'm drowning
with 2 feet planted firmly on solid ground.

"There are no words to describe how beautiful she is,
or how special she is, or my love for her.
To put these things into words would be to define them,
To quantify them, which means to limit them.
There would be a beginning and an end.
There is no definition fitting, nor any limit,
nor beginning or end to her beauty,
or to how special she is, or my love for her.
my love for her."

a couple days ago
i tried to **** myself
by ingesting a handful of
different pretty pills
in the hopes
they'd make me
a pretty corpse
i thought maybe
they'd plant roots
in my stomach
and grow flowers
out of my eye sockets
but then i realized
those pretty pills
would ****
not only me
but the ones who already
saw flowers growing
in the darkest parts
of me