i am only to admire you
from far away.
if anything closer,
my heart will stray.

completely;
the only way in which someone should love another.

once the toxic words spill out of your mouth,
they spread like wildfire.
nothing said can be undone,
it is all burnt down.

everything you said set ablaze and spread,
throughout all their feelings,
setting fire to their brain,
making them think they aren't okay.

you built your walls out of stone,
so you never know how the heat hits.
you block it off,
and act as if you werent the one
to start the fire.

and even if you werent so strong,
not built of stone,
not able to act like everything wasnt wrong,
you would still be cold,
as thats just how you are.
you wouldnt know their pain,
because you set the lowest bar.

so while it spreads brain to brawn,
stringing hurt all along,
just know this is all your fault.
as you have taken away all they admire,
turned their happiness into false desires,
and you set the wildfire.

i grew up in a house
surrounded by dirt that didnt let flowers bloom,
outside it was always raining
and the windows used to cast
scary and large shadows throughout the room.

inside you held me tight and told me i was safe
at times i woke up in the middle of the night
not wanting to see the next day.
but through all the giving up and cold rainy nights
you tried to keep me warm

its a shame i felt like being alone,
because i live in a storm.

if every coping mechanism is temporary,
and our pain is underlying permanent,
are we ever really okay?

im never going to forget
the fact that you let her lay in your arms.
all i can do now is let you hold me
and think about whos really in your arms.

as i layed in your bed,
tears running down my face,
i still couldnt believe she slept right here.
right where i lay.

it felt so wrong to imagine your arm around her,
why am i not enough?
why didnt you realize it was wrong?
why did you let her stay the night?

I told you to wash your sheets,
you asked why?
i told you i wasnt going to lay in the shadow of a cheater.

if you really think your comments are going to steer my writing,
youre wrong.
i dont care if you dont understand what they mean,
im playing my own song,
and if you cant catch the beat then im very sorry to say
maybe you werent meant to listen anyway.

i often wonder what id be like
if i wasnt here
i often wonder if they would care
if i wasnt here
i often wonder if i dont feel like
being here
and i recently figured out
i dont.

for the first time
since the last time
i think i stopped missing you
today.

theres a breaking point inside of us.
it can be hard to find.
we are all made out of glass, and we act as if we arent breakable.
we treat ourselves with caution,
yet neglect every other fragile thing around us.

every day i wake up and tell myself not to think of you.
i try very hard not to think of you.
your eyes, the way you made me laugh whenever i was down, the fact that we had every little detail, even to our favorite video game in common.
believe it or not, i try not to think about you.

and then i get ready for the day.
i sit down on the edge of my bed,
routinely if you will.
and i look into the mirror opposite my bed on the wall.
and behind me i see the black curtains that have been in my room since forever.
the ones that also happen to be in the back of a picture of us taken not so long ago.
its silly to be upset over that, right?
its silly that i feel like im going to throw up,
just from sitting at the end of my bed,
right?

so a few days ago, i decided to do something.
i moved my bed.
all the way into the corner, away from everything else in my room.
away from the thought of you.
and i thought this would fix my issue.
it didnt.

do you understand what im saying?
cant you see what im seeing?
everything reminds me of you.

no bed arrangement would stop me from thinking about you.
its hard knowing you dont think of me.
it doesnt even matter which way i take to my spanish class,
because i always bump into you.
and you remain on my mind.

please be considerate,
of the people around you
im not calling you illiterate,
but i think the words coming from your mouth are quite improper.

youre the one that came to my house when we broke up
we were just kids, but you rode your bike almost an hour,
just to cry with me on the floor of my garage.

i wish you knew the real me.
the one that didnt get shakey hands whenever you were near,
the one that was able to stand up for myself.
i wish you knew the me i was before you made me feel so small.

before i felt like nobody cared,
and that i was here for nothing.
like i was nothing.
i wish you knew the real me,
maybe you do.

maybe you brought out the insecurities ive hid away under my bed over the past years,
maybe this is me.
i miss the old me.
who am i anymore?

today i put down my phone,
told myself not to think of you.
told myself i was better off,
not answering youre texts.

now i find myself talking to you
"hows your day?"
"i miss you"
once again i find myself
putting my heart infront of my head.

i had one question for you.
"am i wasting my time?"

you'd shrug it off
and act like you wanted me,
but it was a silly question
because i knew i was.

you smell good.
it may seem weird,
but whenever i walk past you,
i cant help but want
to bury myself in your chest.

have you ever given thought to how
a small device,
a cell phone
a tablet
anything these days,
can have so much say
in how we live our lives
every single day?

I fell in love with you inside of a yellow room.
One that many memories had been made in during the past.
One that memories shall be made inside in the future.
Was not just a yellow room. It was the yellow room.
A comfort place to you, if you will.
A place you made me home to, one I felt at home with.

The first time I had stepped foot inside this room,
I was drunk.
I'm not going to say being in love with you a mistake,
Because people tend to blame mistakes on being drunk.
Falling in love with you was a choice.
I chose you.
And you chose me too.

We built a new room for ourselves, different from the yellow room.
I fell in love with you in the yellow room, I was in love with you in our room.
A room we decided to close the door to when we felt everyone else was wrong.
When we felt like it was us against them all.
And we never left this room.
Not then,
But now we have.

One of us decided to step out of the room,
The other had the lock in hand.
I begged you to open that door, but I guess it was bolted shut.
You shut me out of our room.
Does that make it your room now?

You.
You were a breath of fresh air during a humid hot day.
One where if you ran too long it would take a few painful minutes to catch that oxygen into your lungs again, a day where sweat seemed to build up in places you had yet to discover.
Yes, you were that breeze that made my hair lift off of my shoulders and bounce all the way to my ears.
You made me feel light and peachy.
You.

But then I realized that you were the one adding all of the extra weight.
You balanced off the scale every once in a while to make it seem like you weren't holding me down by the shoulders.
You tricked me into thinking I was smaller than I really was so I felt vulnerable and trapped.
Made me think the world was too big for me to explore.
You made me think I would get lost.
Made me think I was lost.
You.

Me.
Maybe I am lost,
That could be on me.
I want to find you.
I want you and I to be happy.
And it may seem silly that I do feel this way.
But I miss being able to breathe, and I miss seeing you every day.
I do.

I rather have that weight on my shoulders, even though it felt like a ton.
It kept me down on my feet, made sure I didn’t run.
You made me think I would get lost.
Now look where I am.
I feel so small, and I know it may be my fault.
But I want you to know I don’t resent you at all.
You can always talk to me if you need some fresh air.
You can forever come to me, I’ll always be there.

I loved you.
Like a little kid loves the scent of their mother's perfume,
the same familiar smell that screams "it will be alright" whenever it comes upon your gentle face.
whenever something feels wrong.
yes, I loved you that much.

But love is blind,
it's mom coming home late, after a night out.
Late at work, she said.
But you aren't blind, you can see the lines on her forehead creasing deeper than daylight,
Love must be deaf too because you choose to ignore how loud she's talking and believe her.
Love may be blind, but it asks you to look past things sometimes.

Love likes to act hurtfully at times.
You can read it a bedtime story and it will scream that it's not tired.
Love is stubborn like that.
You can give love your all and get nothing in return.
Life is unfair like that.

Love can't always be there for you.
Eventually, you'll have to open up and be on your own.
You'll have to make your own, new love.
I loved you.
But now I have to move on.
Now I have to make my own new love.