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ab Sep 2014
it's that black hole in the center of your chest, slowly taking away the things that make you different. slowly ripping the things you love most from you. you're no longer someone's somebody, you're just someone who's been camouflaged into the surroundings. the time still moves, but you're no longer seen. when someone you love, chooses something over you it's like a natural disaster. the fabric of everything known is twisted, frayed, burned up in an instant. you thought that couldn't happen, that this would last forever. well listen sweetheart, that's not true anymore. I should know because I am you.
  Sep 2014 ab
rockywhoreor
There is no better ******* feeling than having someone forget you exist. Having someone miss your calls and ignore your texts. They turn away when you walk by. They hear you calling but look around for an escape. They forget your ******* birthday. They channel all their love for you into someone else. A stranger. You've been there for them even when they were a ***** and had no other friends. When they wanted to end their life and had no one else to talk to. When they barged into your door crying almost every night. And a ******* stranger comes into the play and I feel you slowly slipping away. You love them more. I know. Do you love me at all. If not then say so. Please. I can't take this passive agressive behavior. It's swallowing me whole.  Stop pretending to know me, you don't know ****. You don't know that im a jealous ***** and I'm not happy for you. I want you to leave them. But you seem so content. So much more hopeful than you ever were with me by your side. I hate hate hate watching you two. It hurts. There's a heaving in my chest. I'm just done. Go be happy.
ab Sep 2014
I am from plaid couches and plastic covers
       that squeak and rip.
I am from ***** pool tiles and loud pool cleaners
       humming, humming.
I am from the back street littered with fallen leaves
       and cracked tar.

I’m from “the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.”
I’m from “and also with you,” rattling around large stained glass,
        like coins in a jar.
  (loud rattling, coughing,
       crying children, flipping pages)

I’m from long car rides with music blasting,
       windows rolled down.
I’m from Tool, Wings, Metallica.
I’m from the Beatles, Foo Fighters,
       and that “obscure” Indie band
       that Walks the Moon.

I’m from sitting with my Dad,
       whistling the X-Files theme song
       the title sequence plays
I’m from totally shipping Mulder and Scully
       before it was cool.
       (actually it still isn’t cool)
I’m from “that’s my girl”, and “you’re my favorite”.

I’m from Joan and Beedee and tall,
       bright flowers
       and trees from a magic green thumb.
I’m from “Good Old Texas”
       and large Texan stars,
       and tall cowboy boots.

I’m from a ***** canvas, covered in thick paint
       it hangs so somberly.
As if as old as my great grandmother
      who placed it on the wall.
I’m from a family spl it in two.

I’m still from that large house down the street.
I’m still from that small apartment,
       with the map on the wall.
Bright red pins stuck in that wall,
       on cities with names I've memorized.

My family tree expands,
       a large oak with strong roots,
       and weak branches.
I am from a tree with two branches to fill.
It does not end with me.

I am from the cities far away from here,
       Art filled cities that my children will see.
I am from the murals
       written and drawn across the town.
These cities will be our newer,
       stronger branch upon the family tree.
i didn't really follow the format but
ab Sep 2014
I don't know how to write anymore, as if I have absolutely no purpose to use myself for.  The time on the wall, concealed in the clock, ticks and chimes at every mistake I've ever made. They've come back to me, but I wish they'd leave to go back to the damning place they had first crawled  from. I feel sick, a hole my stomach has ****** itself into. There's nothing special about me, a broken mind alone with it's thoughts. My jealously grows, envious vines that consume my soul and eat away my sanity. Even when I shut myself away, my own self isolation, I still hope to be found, to be pulled out of myself. Hoping for someone to keep me out of myself, but as much as I should hope to be found I cannot only rely on anyone to find me. I wish it could be as easy as falling down a well, my only job to wait for someone to crawl down and bring me out, without myself having to truly help myself. I cannot choose to not be like this, it's almost chemical, hardwired into the makeup of my mind. It's not as simple as flipping a switch, to change a light bulb that can no longer light itself, this is a poison. A poison that is inky and black and fills my veins until my organs give out. I can't be found when I leave. How long I wait until I realize no one will find me or follow me or pull me from myself is up to me. My own silly delusion of being saved. It's just the waiting. The waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. Maybe the waiting will **** me first.
ab Sep 2014
2
the classic story of two, the love connection made from a single touch, look, conversation. a classic misunderstanding, pushing apart, confusion. wondering why. that's all it was, a misunderstanding. it never made the love any less real. tossing sheets, a song playing, rough touches and love bruises. was there really anything else to love?
ab Sep 2014
i'm having a mental breakdown and i can't tell anyone.
ab Aug 2014
everyone wants something and everyone doesn't want to be alone. to be lonely. that ***** man with sad eyes sitting on the sidewalk, alone and in the rain. passing, passing, passing. passing time, passing people, passing lives. or maybe you're in your home, 500 floors up. still alone, but in luxury. that isolated woman with lonely eyes and red lips and faux fur and classy cigarettes. parent's never paid much attention. both live alone, wanting a crossing of paths with someone, anyone. different spectrum of societies, suicide to be seen together. it was raining, the young woman being into the alley by men. they wanted her money. greedy, greedy, greedy. she was the youngest of the family, her family living in more extravagant places than she. she'd never be missed until the money ran out. she would die, she knew she would, shivering in the rain as they ripped off her expensive coat, pulling her hair. somehow she felt okay, at least if they killed her she wouldn't be alone. there was only darkness between her and her death, streaks of lightning lighting the terror on her smudged face. the ***** man sitting along the wall could see the woman in the white coat, not even fighting for her life. he didn't understand that, almost angered. she had money, had everything. he had nothing, even less as he got up and splashed his way through the dark to grab one of the men by the throat. he was choking, coughing as he kicked him down and his partner ran off. they hadn't expected to be challenged. the woman was pleading, her coat in a puddle. she was taking off her jewelry, shoving it into the man's hand. he shook his head, seeing the loneliness in the eyes of the woman, her dark hair wet and frizzy. she didn't seem to understand as he merely placed her jewelry in her coat and wrapped it back around her shoulders, despite it being cold and wet. they were both already cold and wet. she was frazzled, perplexed, and finally she hugged the man, sobbing in tune with the rain. they went separate ways, the woman getting to her lonely warm penthouse and stripping out of her wet clothes. they lay all over the floor along and the she laid naked on the rug. she didn't want to move, shakily opening her cigarettes as she rolled on her back. the next afternoon she was back outside, tired and silent as she wandered back into the alley. she felt empty, staring at the place where she could have met her end. she ripped off her rings and her pearls, hitting the muddy puddles along the wall. and then she heard a voice along the wall, telling her it wasn't really wise to throw away expensive things. it was the same man, standing there in the same wet clothing and sad eyes. sad eyes and lonely eyes. she said it didn't matter if you were alone, and he said he was alone and it mattered since he had nothing. the woman with lonely eyes asked the man with sad eyes if he had something: a home, a wife, children, and he answered no each time. she took his hand, walking him to the end of the alley, saying he could choose to have something. he said he did want something, but didn't know what something even looked like. she said it was okay and they walked together into the elevator to the 500th floor where he found her clothes across the floor, glass shattered in the kitchen. it was a start of something, and he didn't care if it was ugly at first and lonely eyes became a little less lonely and sad eyes became a little less sad. the something he was looking for was in her and the life of not being lonely she was looking for was in him.
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