The truth of it is-

he's not going to fix you

she's not going to make you forget
the way your father would hit you

He is not going to make your collarbones sprout roses
He will not make you forget how to need

The truth of it is-

She is not a savior
She is not able to fight off the demons in your dreams

He will not make you forget the way your mother left
The bloodstains in the bathtub will still be there

The truth of it is-
This is your life
This is not a movie

No one is going to swoop in and save you

You will have to grow your own wings if you want to fly away

I'm tired of choking on my personality. Because you people are always trying to cut down people's trees and I'm that phone call that makes you put down that axe and walk back inside.
You're ruining me
I'm tired of choking on my personality. Because you people, you lovers of mine, are always trying to escape and I'm that last shot of ***** that allows your hands to find their way onto her hips. (again and again)
(and again in November)
You're ruining me
I'm tired of choking on my personality. Because you people are always asking me to listen to your sins and I haven't even found my God yet.
You're ruining me
I'm tired of choking on my personality. Because you people empty my pockets and pillage my soul and you won't even lend me five cents to visit my psychiatrist.

You people.
You people, what have I ever done to you.
**"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"

I realized it was not your job to keep me afloat, so I stopped looking for places in conversation where you said something shallow and I tried to add depth. I stopped saving the text messages you sent past 3 AM because those words were not formed with love for me to cling on to, no, they were baited lines waiting for me to bite. Hook, line, and sinker I surfaced gasping for breathe in unfamiliar air. Writhing around in my discomfort, hoping you would throw me back into the water rather than watch me struggle. They never tell you how many fish in the sea are actually sharks waiting to sink their teeth.

I want to be your 911 and your favourite childhood blanket and I want to be your goodnight instead of your goodbye.
I want to be your favorite pair of shoes and the air beside you so that I'm always next to you and I know you're comfortable.  
I want to be my parents' "I knew she could do it" instead of their "she's not trying hard enough."
I want to be my friends' safety net and not their other 24hour emergency hotline-dial-me-when-you-need-me. I am not temporary.
I want to be a girl who smiles because the world engraved laugh lines in her gentle face and not a happy pill trapped mistake.

But I will never be those things.
I will never be those things because, in your eyes I will be the last cigarette in every pack that smells and tastes so good, but hurts your chest in the most unforgivable way.
But I will never be, for you.

i'm fine when i can feel someone next to me
when my words lazily roll off my tongue and into heavy air
when someone's subtle and quiet gestures suggest
that i am somebody they like to be around
i'm fine when the world feels warm
from the love that swarms in and all around it

it's the spaces between that get me
the 53 seconds of time it took between
my thumb pressing the "send" button and the reply
hearing the laughter coming from the other room,
but not the joke preceding it
eating cheap dinner alone in my bedroom
while watching my favorite 90's sitcom

these gaps, these pauses, they are the ugliest parts of me
there is not a second of these moments that go by
that i am not wishing for a reassurance, a validation
a reminder that i am heard and noticed and loved
and that i have a purpose here, and reasons to stay

i need to be reminded that i have reasons to stay

I am one with everything as everything is one with me
in the darkness my self I see,
the light which I am made of, the love that lies within me.

I am the sky beyond,
limitless, bound by none.

I am the air which you breath,
the life that you live,
the memories that you still keep.

I am the earth that you walk on,
the ground that you fall on,
the dreams that you see,
the thoughts that you be.

Everything is me,
I am everything.