You're off having fun


And I'm watching you enjoy


Every new sun and it feels like


I maybe never even existed to you

In the corner,


                                     Out of view



           Don't let me see



                      What you choose






       That's far better than me




           And everything I can never




                        Pretend to be

just
up                       to      
me                      watch      
built                   me    
you                              
And

                                        

                                             fall.

Orange you glad to see me
Isn't the start

It goes back to school buses
And unbreakable trust

It's how you lost the one
That hugged strangers,
Told them you cared about them

The church camp and
Mean people with nothing
Better to do

It's a dwindled fire,
But it's still inside of you

He drove past me
Like I was nothing

Couldn't even be yourself
But here I am.

I am messy,
A burden too everyone
But I am kind
Too much sassy
With a touch of tenderness

A liar
But a dreamer

I used to be mine
And you could have loved me,
Could have cared

But I'll get drunk and womder
Where you are
And your friend that's strictly friends
Can judge me

But you lied too

you're good at
what you do
you sit and
listen for weaknesses
you're a judgmental
user who likes
to form their
very own lies
you act like
you are better
than everyone but
in all reality
you're the lowest
of all lows
but dont worry
who you are
has nothing on
my past so
you can try
and bring me
down but yet
i will always
rise.

Who
am
i?

I will take these bones


   And make them something new


I will take this wild mind


                     And learn a new view


I will take this soul


           And cleans it to white gold


I will take this heart


           And teach it to be bold


I will take this hurt


         And learn from my mistakes


I will take these sunken eyes


      And find beauty in everything


Burn my skin and torch my hair,


My kind of love was never fair


I met a maker of the purist kind,


He taught me compassion in time


The lessons were forgotten,


The holy was unbegotten


In this forcing and changing line


So I take this life as mine,


It's never felt so bright in the shine


And things change,


People do too


I wish I could have stayed true


But this feeling is the deepest blue


In the way we were two of the few


He is far away enjoying life too much,


Wish I could've given him that rush


But there's only thin air to touch


And he doesn't read what I write


To see if what I feel is right


But every day and every night


I find a way to remember his light


Take these moments to live a life bright

It was time to go,


                  She's impatient but


      I'm obligated to love her for


This life that allowed me to once


             Know of who you w e r e


  I'm not one for physical contact,


             I'm sure s o m e o n e ( s ) ,


           s o m e w h e r e


               could easily confirm this


As still relevant for  t o d a y


        But you are  h e r e , but


                you really are not


     Because you are g o n e


           And I have moisture on my


L e s s. t h a n  p e r f e c t  f a c e


           But I'm in a hurry this time


              To wipe it off without the


   Urgency to not make her mad


Because she is wild and she is


        ******* i n g  c r a z y  but


She is beautiful in the way


          When s he finds something,


    When s he finds some o n e


                 That made her feel a


Fraction of what she wanted


        Them to feel,


             She will love them until


    Her breathing stops


                  And all t h e s e


   Dreams are turned to stars


        That will help the few that


            Will  m a g i c a l l y  meet


     Keep hope and never, e v e r


                Let them slip through


     Their fingers


        And so you're  g o i n g  but


         There is no one rushing you


          I  d o n ' t  have the strength


   To do what you


o n c e  u p o n  a  t i m e  did


            But I will stand h e r e


If you decide to come back


   Ignoring my c r i e s this time to


         P l e a s e


                  D o n ' t


                           G o . . .


But you're g o n e


             And still,



I  h o l d  o n

Times like this
is when I question if
you would have been there,
if you would have held me,
rocked me and dried my tears.
I search for tough
with a gentle soul,
but I get nothing to what I
need or want.
Does this make me selfish?
Being the person who tries
so hard and never gives up?
Years later and I can't help
but to wonder with tears I refuse
to spill,
would you have given up on me?
Would you have thought
that I was enough?
With my head a mess,
soul a thousand years old,
body a complete wreck.
Would you have already left?

I remember that picture so clearly.
So why does it matter?
Why does anything matter?
Wouldn't it be great if you could just...
Cut your flesh and dig around to see what you're made of?
To feel the muscles and blood and tendons between your finger tips?
Or to take a bottle of pills and see the light before tasting the depressing feel of a stomach pumped?
Or to lay halfway out of an upside down, burning car? Near death and wishing for a sweet relief.

When do I get that sweet relief?

Without being a coward.

When do I find the one to let me touch the slivering of scales against my skin without being afraid?
To let my body be enough?
When do I get to laugh and carry on without caring about anyone else in the world?
I want to taste the freedom.
To feel it pull me in and cradle me like a soft child.
To tell me that I haven't been enough for others until this moment.
Where I am more than enough and so much more to look forward to.
When is it my turn to be enough for someone
that is so much more than enough
For me?

life is fun
until you're on the run

from the demons that make guns
out of the words

that once made you feel as light as a feather

on the birds
that he prefers



over you.

She'd build flowers and paint pictures
To remind you that she's still there,
Deep inside where you both reside now
She'd punch through all your walls
Until her skin was gone and the meat
Was tethered to show the blinding white
Of her still trying bones
She'd take her eyes out so you could see
Just how far you've made her go to remember how to breathe
And how important and the center you've become
And when she'd sweat and curse,
Feel like she isn't worth your love,
You'd dab the sweat off her forehead
And hold her tight to soak up the pain
That would shake into your vertebrate
That's made out of armor and would end their life
Because you'd never want her to spend another sleepless night

Does that only apply to me

Or

Do you not understand

Everything has repercussions?

Give me what you think,

You'll get yours.

A drawn out decapitation
Of a psychopaths mindset
Brought to life by everyone
They done wrong
It's a beautiful thing
Like he is and that other him
And obviously him and
You.
Whoever you are.
I know you found better,
That's great because everyone has
But if I could take back what I did
I would in a heartbeat.

I'd come get my things
But my hands are covered
In the smeared black ash
Of my unholy decayed past

These little things,
They bring new sounds
Fill my ungrateful head
With sounds of the dead

And I hope on a stage
My memory no longer fades
And you let it bloom
No longer wilt with doom

Because in every room
I have cleaned them out
Filled them with flowers of you
I hope you have no doubt

No matter where you go,
No matter what you do
There will always be a part of you
And I hope I make you proud too

I carry the burden
of always caring
for the ones that wouldn't dare
for the ones that have passed
for the ones not yet
brought to life

My heart has the capacity
to sustain time and decay
And regardless of what people say
my heart is bigger than
my body in every way

I am a survivalist
I make it through every list
and every room has
different views

Packed to the maximum
I still find the knowledge
to out last the best of 'em

I am an old soul
that has survived
even the harshest of cold
in a body that is
made of solid gold

Certain bumps in the night
things stop collecting
over periodic time
No longer feeling of fright

And my guide is built
for endless fights

But this isn't a poem.
It's just the things I wish I could say to you.
A list that I add onto everyday now it seems.
You may not read these,
You may not even believe a single word if you did.
I'm not scared of things anymore.
I honestly don't know what's ahead, all the things the future holds.
I do have fear though.
I think it's only human to fear the unknown.
I hyperventilate when I think about you not being there for it.
I don't know where I'll be in another year or in another 10 years for that matter.
All I do know without a single doubt is that you will stay a part of me then and even after that.
It's a joke to some people that I can love something that I never had.
I just don't know what else to call the feeling of remembering your hands on my face
Or when you kissed my cheek.
I never felt this warm and buzzing sensation with anything else.
I fear the future but I am ready for it because you're in my heart and my head and my soul.
And I hope you know, I hope you feel it that no matter where you go or the person you hold,
Every single thing, every choice, every action, every life event will always come back to that youth camp.
I hope your life is beautiful and with every doubt and every hardship you face,
Just know that there will always be an extra person always, always rooting and cheering you on.