Pain erupts in my chest
Like sadness has just cracked my sternum
With its cold, gray hammer.
I cannot touch this hurt
With tears or bandages.
I am simply bleeding internally,
Wondering why anniversaries cut so deep,
But it's not that I nearly lost myself,
Held hands with the reaper.
It's that you preceded me death,
And I wonder why in the end it was you and not me.

I bite my cheek and pinch my arm
In a place that mom cant see

“Why are you so pissy today?”
“You’re such a drag to be around
when you act like this”
She says

“sorry”
I say
Instead of the retort that comes to my mind:
‘So are you on the days you’re mad,
When you’re done with everyone’s ****’

But i know that will earn me an even bigger glare
A clenching of teeth
And a good ol’ grounding

So i sit quietly brooding and fuming and say simply
“sorry”

sorry im not good enough for you
sorry i have feelings unlike you
sorry im
not
enough

“How are you?”
Asks my good friend via text
“Pretty good hbu” i reply with vision blurred from tears
The marks i clawed into my arm still burning

“Dinner’s ready!”
Yells someone upstairs
“I’ll be up in a sec!”
I reply
Hastily pulling down my sleeve
and wiping away the messy makeup around my eyes

‘Whelp’
I think to myself
‘I hope they dont notice’

They dont
And if they do they dont mention it
For which im grateful

I dont feel like launching into a discussion that typically ends with me a blubbering mess

Anytime we have that discussion anyway

I know we need another one,
But i just cant bring myself to reveal anything
That might make them think somethings wrong with me

So for now ill just
Smile
And keep saying
“sorry”