Breaking up.
The words still flashing before my eyes,
Days after you’ve said them.
I take another scoop of ice cream,
Trying to swallow down the lump in my throat.
I’m okay, I’m okay.
I see her hands in yours,
I’m not okay.
I cry, and cry and cry. Till it’s all out.
I think I feel better now,
Crying makes everything better.
I get a message from you
I still love you, even if it isn’t the same
But the words morph into
You’re still being friend zoned.
I sigh, refusing to cry again.
Closing my eyes and the darkness is blurred with images of you,
Of us,
Of *happiness.
Then my heart starts to ache again
My eyes snap wide open.
I won’t allow myself to go there again.
I take an elastic band and set to punish myself if I thought of you again.
One day,
Snap.
Two days,
Snap, snap
Three days,
Triple snap.
I think I’m bleeding
And it’s not just my heart.
So I switch to binge watching
While binge eating.
This feels better already
Then the couple on TV decide to kiss,
I hate TV.
I switch to talking.
Moaning,
Complaining,
Crying,
Venting,
Pitying.
Everythi­ng till I’m done feeling sorry for myself.
I stand up straighter and take a deep breath.
Then I get another message from you
You’re the greatest friend ever*
Sigh. I slump back
I hate you.
I’m not talking to you again.
That’s hard
So I drink.
Downing all my sorrows and problems with each shot.
Is it really that difficult to get over a breakup?
I mean, I’ve done it before, so I can do it again
Right?
Well, before him you weren’t in love.
******.
Another shot.
And then I’m done feeling groggy.
Done feeling helpless,
Hopeless,
Useless,
Love-less.
Who needs a man anyway?
I’m fine on my own.
So I smile.
I Laugh,
Have fun till the happiness inside me bursts out.
This feels good.*
The skies seem bluer and the grass feels greener.
I feel incredible.
And then,
Flashbacks.
Kissing,
Smiling,
Holding my hand,
The way you’re looking at me.
Oh great.
*Now I have to start again.

Patient: B. Hypocrite

Feelings: Angry, frustrated, sad, confused, despaired, suicidal

In need of therapy (Yes/No)**: What's the point? I'm already a hopeless suicidal *freak.

If loving you is a sin,
Then consider me the *Devil

What am I if not made of irony
Hypocrisy and words
So contradictory?
I mask it all with style;
Venom and blood
Or light and color-
All decorating our words
With different kinds of splendor.
But I hide the true meaning deep within.
Even if the truth is more shallow than you think.
I let you taste emotions never offered to you on your plate,
Because I hide my ingredients
In the meal that you ask for.
I give what you never knew you never wanted
In a way that only entices you.
But I am one of the best liars on paper.
I am one of the best actors.
I convey millions of emotions
When I only have a soulless soul inside.
Poets like me can describe feelings they've never felt before.
Never take my words as my life
Because halfway,
I stopped living in my words.

Mama, it hurts to breath him in now.*
I think it's the intoxicating smell of all the wrong choices he made following him everywhere he goes.

Mama, it burns whenever I touch him.
He scorches me with his fierce speech, a tongue of fire every time he speaks to me, but with words never truly meant for me.

Mama, it deafens me whenever I hear him.
His voice is raspy from all his problems he tries to smoke away, turning his lungs into ashes with all the bad herbs he puffs away.

Mama, it blinds me whenever I see him.
His sad self wasting precious life away, in the depths of despair.

Mama, I want to cry for him. He hurts so much and I cannot even reach out a hand to help him without poisoning myself with his deadly words. Loving him is excruciatingly painful because he has no love left for me.

Mama, I can't leave him.
Even if he doesn't show it I know if I were to leave he'd suffer tremendously. He's so fragile behind the armored wall he put up against anyone.

Mama, I know you think I'm making a mistake
But I bare with the pain if it can make him okay again.

I'm the only one he lets his walls down for.

Mama,
You ask how? Why?

Well, if he didn't, he wouldn't have asked me to stay longer.

Why?
I guess he needs me as much as I need him.

I don't know why I reopen old wounds.

I guess it's because I just want to
Feel Again.