I wish I had the words.
When I was younger they seemed to come out just right.
The only thing expected of me back then was to play, and since then, I’ve never felt as bright.
When I was younger I would talk to my friends and my family,
Knowing exactly how to express what I thought and what I needed.
Without waiting anxiously,
Or feeling like there was something in me that had to be treated.
But now that I’m getting older, it’s much harder to convey when I’m feeling grey.
Seeing everyone around me achieve all their dreams,
While my thoughts weigh too heavily on my shoulders,
And the voice inside me screams.
These are the thoughts that say what I’m speaking isn’t good enough,
And that you expected to hear it differently.
So I learnt that all I can do is remain distant,
Just to avoid those conversations,
And instead I now find peace in my own isolation.
What can I say? When I don’t want to say much at all, but I am expected to want to get better?
What can I say? Without pushing you away once I contradict myself and you don’t understand me at all?
What can I say? Knowing I cannot lie, but otherwise I will disappoint you.
It feels like there is nothing more I can say,
Maybe I’ve lost my chance to strengthen, and now I only waste away my days.
But when you ask me to catch up and tell you about how life has been lately,
I know it hasn’t gotten better, and it was more than just a ‘phase’.
So I sit here most nights,
Wondering what can I say?
But I know there is not much I could say to impress you,
So I choose to stay away.
- Bethany Collery -
@poetry.bethanycollery on IG