Beloved, I swear to you to make my life
a testimony of my love to you,
to live with you as wedded man and wife,
to stand with you in everything you do.
I swear to give my love to you alone,
to stand with you in triumph and in grief,
in valleys where the sun has never shown
and mountaintops of hope and of relief.
I swear to stand beside you, should our days
be darkened with the promises of loss,
and with you, I will never shy away
from any task or trial life may toss.
I swear to keep these things with all my heart
until the day that death shall do us part.

I stared out the window
at the grey shroud
lapping against the glass
I didn't know what time it was
or how long I had been on the couch
I'd been held captive by the sharpness of tongues
that slit my veins with loathing and tainted blood
blood tainted with hatred... my blood
you're a worthless pathetic *****
I drank away from the disdain that haunted my soul
but I couldn't escape
escape the relentless barrage of maliciousness
no matter how hard I tried to shut them out
their voices were all I could hear now
the scars may have healed and the bruises faded
but the claws of hate and rejection dug deep within my flesh
and never let go
every spiteful sentiment struck
with more force than the most violent of blows
each degrading remark and estimation of worthless
broke me in half
you aren't important
there'd been a time
when I almost convinced myself
that my accomplishments and determination
would silence their malice
but I'd given up
I couldn't say the exact moment that it happened
perhaps it was the second that...
or maybe it was before then
but now, in my isolation, the whispers found me
you don't care about anyone other than yourself
I stared out into the distance
beckoned by the roaring of the waves
the only sound loud enough to mask
what were now sickening screams
I walked on
through the clouds that swept against my skin
you took him from me
I stood at the waters edge
enraptured by the fury rushing to shore
the rolling wave cresting before crashing in on itself
in a maddening tumble
sweeping under my feet
pulling me into the shifting sand
the rippling surface seduced with its curling fingers
tempting me
you should never have been born
I took a step
and began walking toward the grey horizon
that seamlessly melded with the dark water
my chin quivered as the tears washed over my face
turbulent waves pushed me back toward the shore
going farther and father out to sea
letting the water overtake me
all I had to do was breathe
and I would be gone...

Mom I wish you were here to say good night
These nightmares are becoming real
The murmurs are getting louder
The claws at dragging in further

Mommy save me
I don't want this anymore

I'll let you point the syringe
Its okay to feel the flow
Of that chemical of peace

Please be aware. Please let me have it.
Please save me make them go away

351

I felt my life with both my hands
To see if it was there—
I held my spirit to the Glass,
To prove it possibler—

I turned my Being round and round
And paused at every pound
To ask the Owner’s name—
For doubt, that I should know the Sound—

I judged my features—jarred my hair—
I pushed my dimples by, and waited—
If they—twinkled back—
Conviction might, of me—

I told myself, “Take Courage, Friend—
That—was a former time—
But we might learn to like the Heaven,
As well as our Old Home!”

I so wish that I could see you
In a dimly lit cafe
Treating your spiced chai like an injured bird
And your face like the exhibits
Of local art on the walls around you

I thought I saw you there once
But it was too smokey
The air thick with conversations
And reunions after 24 hours or less
I'm so sorry that I missed you

But I know that later on I'll find you
Like I always tend to do
Sitting in your usual spot
Exactly like I would expect
On our couch
At home

at night

darkness conquers

surrenders light

demons rush out

lies fire about

they yell at me

"You're this, you're that"

I laugh,

calling them ugly, nasty, and fat

they quiet,

and I win another spiritual attack.

I can feel it in the very air I breathe.
I can see it in the blackest night.
I can touch its coldness shrouding me in silk.
I can hear its suggestive words, constantly whispering.
I can taste its need to feed on my fear.
I can and will ignore this monster.
After all,
Its just my reflection.

I tell myself to rebuild these broken wings I find myself soaring upon, but I realize the necessary tools are missing. I try to get a handle on my current situation but I realize there's no handle on my bedroom door anymore and I am trapped again. I have made a mess of the remains out of broken dry wall and picture frames.  I rebuild, rebuild, rebuild but it's never like it was before. The paint is two-toned and some things can't be covered with a painting of your face next to mine. Some things can't even be patched up. Such as the way your eyes seem to guide me into a world that seems too daunting to stay inside. I let the breeze carry me away and hope the broken wings can still soar despite the damage that has been done. I have made a bed out of all my regrets and have no issues laying in it anymore and nowadays I tend to sleep better than I live. I have seen the misery in your eyes when the thought of me waking up without you on my mind crossed yours, and I've never felt so low. Plausibility isn't always the best reality and I know with you we have our differences, but that doesn't make a difference to me. Maybe the days I deem dull are just a distant memory and every time I wake up without you is a day I want to get through just to see you. Sappiness is not in my agenda, but intentions lead to attention on some occasions and I would like to spend every occasion with you.. Loving you has been the best thing I have ever done for myself. The first decision I made without anyone but myself in mind was when I said you could call me yours. Please believe me when I say, I will always be yours even if the day comes that we expire, I will age like fine wine, with you always still on my mind.

Mommy said if he's mean it's because he likes you.
She said boys are backwards and upside down.
She said boys are young dumb and fullofcum.
She said close your eyes when you fall so you don't see how much it's going to hurt.

I still have bruises, she said.