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I’m starting to believe that this nomadic lifestyle
Ain’t at all for the faint of heart
Thousands of places in so little time
Exhausted but I can’t stop yet as no one place holds extreme value to me
Footprints in the sand tell a story of where I’ve been
Darkness engulfs me and makes it harder to decide where to begin
Perhaps I should just ‘eeny meeny miny mo’ it
Since stopping isn’t nearly as important
Thoughts clutter my walkway like precious gems covered by a recent sandstorm
Disgruntled, I glance out over my shoulder
Listening for the whisper of the wind to call out to me
But wait… I’m getting a head of myself
That’s dangerous when you’re a nomad
Whatever is waiting around the next bend
A mystery waiting to be unveiled
Like a grieving widow, mourning her sanity
I run
Disjointed from reality
I feel no pain
Opinions stabbing me like shards of glass
Dripping with the blood of identity
I’m a fraud… and yet, on I run
The tears I’ve cried flow through this deserted land like the Nile
It’s ingenious
They nurture my steps
A suckling waiting to be fed
I travel the worn path
night and day day and night
Stopping only to mark my place
I’ve been here before
And I never even left the comfort of my bed
This journey of a thousand steps
Inside my ever restless mind
I let you go because I “knew” that I could do better
Because I “knew” that I deserved better
Well it’s been a year now
I haven’t found better
I haven’t found anyone else really
So now I’m second guessing my decision to do better
Because now I have no one
Even though I didn’t have you
I still “had” you
You were the closest I’ve ever gotten to the real thing
The closest I ever got to a fantasy come true
Even though we weren’t the real thing
You were the first lips I’ve ever kissed
My lips
Even if they weren’t really my lips
You were my first love
The first heart I’ve ever held
Even if I never held it
It was the only thing I knew
Even if we weren’t really a “thing”
And I “know” that I deserve better
But compared to everything else I’ve ever had
You were the best
Even if you were the worst
I cried myself to sleep countless times over you
And yet I enjoyed your company the most
Wrote a couple poems about you
Some real, some not so much
I always did my best to pleasure you
Never enjoyed myself but always enjoyed your touch
Fell head over heels in love with you
And even if I never had you
You were still mine
I wish you’d come back
You’re all I ever knew
And even if you weren’t really mine
You were mine to me
Because it hurts to much to be real with myself
It hurts to admit that it was all one sided
It hurts like hell to admit that you never wanted “this”
Whatever “this” is
Or whatever it was
Or whatever....
I don’t wanna seem crazy
So I won’t admit to totally creating the perfect relationship in my head.
I don’t wanna seem crazy
So I won’t admit that I feel for a fool
Or should I say fell like a fool
I knew you never meant to catch me
But it didn’t hurt that bad
Falling for you, that is... so I didn’t mind
You never said you’d love me
But in my mind was close enough
So it was always ok
You never said you wanted this
But it was either this or that
And I couldn’t choose that
When all I’ve ever wanted was this
You and me, in love
I mean I still never got it
But it’s always nice to pretend isn’t it
I mean honestly
Who doesn’t like being able to say, that’s all mine
If only you could see me like I’ve always seen you
If only you could feel about me like I feel about you
When you look at me
Do you see doubt in my eyes
She resides there
She isn’t always home but
Lately she’s been lazy
She actually resides in my heart
But the windows are her favorite place
She likes to look at all of things that I’m capable of
Even though they frighten her
She laughs because she knows
They’ll never happen
She doesn’t like company
And so lately she’s been on the edge
Confidence comes around once or twice every week or so
Knocks on her door but she never lets it in
She always pretends that nobody’s home
Until anxiety pills up
Then she fixes her face
Smiles the biggest smile possible
She doesn’t mind his company though
She thinks they’d make a lovely couple
Confidence is never far away though
For she resides in my mind
And she too sees all the things that I’m capable of
And she loves it
She’s always been the ambitious one
She wants to go and get everything she sees
But she can’t just yet
Until doubt is evicted
You see confidence has been eyeing my heart
For some time now
And she got in a time or two
Must be confidence’s key
She tries everyday
But anxiety hasn’t left yet
And she doesn’t want to chance it
But today I think she will.
She’s stronger than they think
And I think she just might make my heart her new home.
Walking through the grocery store and I see the prices have gone up again
Who knew life was so expensive for you’d have told me that milk would be 6 dollars a gallon I wouldn’t believe it
Or that gas would be nearly 3 bucks a gallon
Or that food would hit me for at least 150 every month I wouldn’t have believed it
I didn’t realize that everything that’s essential to survival costs so much
Everything that one needs to go on costs an arm and a leg
If you’d have told me that it took ten bucks just to make one, if have sworn you were crazy
But that’s the way of life I guess
I mean I see now, that’s the way of life
Everything you need, whatever you want
It’s gonna cost you
Even the things that shouldn’t cost you
If you’d have told me that I would have to pay for attention, if have never believed it
It’s so expensive and not really all that important but it’s necessary if you don’t wanna sink into a pit of depression
If you’d told me that affection prices were through the roof
I’d probably have stocks and bonds in it right now cuz boy that’s expensive
And to whoever said that love don’t cost a thing
Hah, you should be shot
That’s a lie if I ever heard one
Love costs the most.
If I’d have known just how expensive love is
I’d just as soon have chosen hate
Unfortunately I’m not set up like that and even if I was I couldn’t afford hate either
It’s costs way too much
But love.... it’s crazy how it works
It doesn’t just merely cost money
It’s costs so much more
It costs you a well rested night
A joyous occasion
It costs you smiles and confidence
It costs you.... it costs you
I never thought that I would have to pay with my blood, sweat and tears.
I thought for sure that it was all just a senseless metaphor that some old man came up with to make you afraid of hard work
It’s true though
Countless nights I’ve cried myself to sleep
Trying to pay for a love that was all my own
Let’s not forget the life behind the mask
To weak to smile on my own so faking it was my next best choice.
Taking mental and emotional abuse because that’s the price you pay for love
Sanity.... yes in some cases it costs you sanity
But the price never fluctuates
A life for love
Love for a life
I have a question
And although you don’t have to answer
I wish you well, as honest as possible
The other night when I said that you friend zoned me
You said that’s not true
You said that I was much more but it’s just hard
Before I continue, I have another question
Going back to when you told me about you and her for the first time
You said that you didn’t know that I felt that way about you...
Why did you say that...
back to before, when you said that I was more than a best friend but it’s hard
What’s really going on.
How do you really feel.?

Yea... it wouldn’t be like this for me though if she would just be honest with me. She has me going in circles and I wanna question it but I know how that’s gonna go and I’d rather she just be cryptic than for me to catch her in lies every time because she refuses to tell me the truth. This isn’t one-sided and I know it isn’t but I just need to know the other side to the story because for the longest time now I’ve loved her in real life based off of a perfect life that I’ve created in my head and it only corresponds in my head. My heart genuinely loves her but once my head comes out of the clouds it’s heartbreaking to know that she doesn’t love me back. But can I really say that when I don’t really know. Her words say that she does and some of actions as well but not all of them so there’s no way I can truly be sure of her words can I...? I’d hate to think she’s playing with me because she knows what I want and she likes the attention
You’re the first person I know
To break my heart by being here
By “loving” me or whatever you call it lol
I love you too... and that’s why I hate you
You found me and you spoke
water from the sweetest sea
Fell from your lips
And I was thirsty
So I drank it all up
now I’m full and yet still starving
I’m dehydrated from crying so much
I’m sick with worry
I’m leaping out of my sleep leaving anxiety filled puddles in my wake
This is all new
And already I’ve become familiar with it all
Holding on I can’t let go
If I don’t though
This could be my end
Why did you offer me this cup
Or better yet why did I take it
I knew it was filled with bittersweet nothings
And yet still I drank
I knew it was no good for me
But I took it anyway because
It looked so good coming from you
Now it’s falling apart and so am I trying to keep it together.
Why won’t I just give you back?
I don’t wanna believe that you’re bad for me
But in my heart I know
Intuition never lies
But you have twice
And so have I
More times than I care to count
Nearly every time I wake up
And of course every time I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Because this drink has me fading.
Wait... lemme take one more sip

I’m losing you
Day by day your grip loosens
And it’s all I can do to hold on
I swear I don’t wanna let you go
And in my heart I know you know too
That’s why you’re trying to stay strong
Thank you

I look at your frail frame
And instantly
I’m shifted back to a better time
Back when you would smile at me
And nibble on my cheeks
Save my hide from a beating
Give me snacks all week
Thank you

But what strikes me the hardest
Is when I hear you say I love you
But I know that you can’t speak
You’ve hardly any oxygen to spare
And you’ve become far too weak
I know it may be selfish
But immediately I pray to keep you longer
Months, maybe even just weeks
But I need more time
Even if only a couple days
I can’t give you up just yet
I want you to stay
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