Remember The day we first met and you fell asleep holding me. Remember The day you tried to ask me on a date and I got scared and invited my bestfriend. Remember The night we fell asleep in the back of your stepdads truck. Remember When we spent an entire night sending each other Avatar the Last Airbender pickup lines. Remember* Our first kiss and how perfect it was. Remember All those nights we slept on FaceTime. Remember All those nights we spent watching Netflix, curled up in each others arms. Remember All the times we use to wrestle and you'd pin me against you. Remember All those drives we'd take holding hands, music blaring. Remember All the inside jokes we had. All the different names we would have for things. Remember How we always got butterflies. Remember How we looked at each other like there was no one else in the world. Remember The way our skin felt pressed against each other. Remember The night you painted my nails. Remember The day I rode my bike across town just because you wanted me there.
I remember all of it. I remember every memory. Every feeling. I close my eyes and remember it like it is still happening. So tell me...
Wake Up Smoke Go To Work Smoke Watch Netflix Smoke Stay Up All Night Stuck In My Head Smoke Force Myself To Sleep Falling Asleep Dreaming Of Him And Repeat
I'm Stuck. In this rut of cigarettes, distractions, and non stop thought of what no longer exists.
I spent part of the night watching old videos. Some of them were of him and I. I couldn't stop laughing. I couldn't stop smiling. I then listened to songs from last summer. I sat there with my eyes closed. Remembering all the different times they played. I was smiling so much my face ached. The memories were great. Abit later I found myself standing there in silence. Another memory popped in my head. I ended up on the ground sobbing and hyper ventilating. I couldn't handle it. All I could think of was those words. The one promise I never thought you'd break. The one promise... I guess I caused you to break I promise I'll be here till the day you don't want to see my face. I still want to see your face. You're not here. Some memories are torturous.
Here I am. With the ocean out in front of me. Watching the waves crash into the rocks. Sun shining on my back. Sand inbetween my toes. A place most dream of going. A place people vacation too. Run towards to escape their everyday lives. I live in a place of beauty. As I watch this amazing scene most only see in movies. My thoughts lay hundreds of miles away. In the life I had this time last year. If going back was possible, I'd seize the opportunity without a second thought. I don't know why this is all so hard. All I do is write. All I write about is him. The boy I love doesn't even exist anymore. Yet I spend all my time wishing to leave this island. Wishing to go back to the time he did exist. To this time last year when he was my bestfriend. But I cant... I'm just stuck with my thoughts in the past. My dreams in a future I will never get. Surronded by beauty I struggle to see.
Will this pain ever end. Will my tears ever deminish. Will my anger ever subside. Or is this forever going to be my state. I struggle even being attracted to people nowadays. I don't see how I'm ever going to stop wishing for you. Most days I just wish I could forget you. That I'll get amnesia... And forget about all I've gone through the past few years. That would be so much easier. Then living in a constant state of pain...