Moving on is an illusion.
It's simply a state of mind to ease the pain.
You love until you don't.
You're hurting until you're okay.
You want them until you don't care.
Not for one minute does it lessen or get easier.
Not until the day it's simply gone.
There is no moving on process.
You simply just stop caring,
Stop wanting,
Stop loving,
And stop hurting one day.
*Just like that they're never thought of again

Hearing your name feels like a knife to my heart.
Speaking your name takes all my effort,
As though the words are suffocating me.
Yet...
Your name never leaves my mind.
In all my thoughts.
Over and over again...
Repeating a thousdand times a day.

*And I miss hearing you say my name

I have this necklace.
No matter how hard I try I can't stop wearing it.
I wore it virtually every single day from the time he gave it to me.
He bought it for my birthday.
He bought it back when we were bestfriends.
He refused for two months to give it to me.
He said he wanted to make sure he got to see me smile again.
**** did I smile too.
Now...
No matter how hard I try...
I still can't stop wearing it.
Not because the boy I loved gave it to me.
But because my bestfriend in this entire world gave it to me.
It's my favorite thing.
I can't bear to be without it.
It stands for everything I once had.
It stands for the happiest I've ever been.
It shows how deeply we knew each other.
The forever girl wears this necklace.
I may not be his forever anymore.
He may hate me completely.
That doesn't change the fact that he changed my life forever.
That whether I'm in love with him or not...
I will love him forever.

It's the simplest moments that the loneliness hits the hardest.
When things as mundane as stubbing your toe occur.
The moments when you just need someone to help you up.
Freak out about the tiniest cut and rush to bring you a bandaid.
But you have to stifle your yell of pain.
Force yourself up.
Take care of yourself.
Because that's the thing about being alone.
Nobody is there to help in even the simplest of moments.

It's 8am and I still haven't slept.
The thought of you has driven sleep away.
I've finally laid down,
And begun to play our song on repeat.
Praying for the first time in 6months.
Begging to understand.
To learn how to be okay with all that's happened.
To understand why I had to lose that baby.
Why I had to lose you.
What is suppose to happen that I can't have you in my life for.
Asking for help.
Help to learn how to be okay if you're not suppose to be here.
And if you are suppose to come back to my life...
Like I so desperately feel that you are.
Help to have the patience to get there.
I don't know how to love myself anymore.
I don't know how to survive without my bestfriend at my side.
So I'm just begging to learn how to want to live without you here.
I just need help to find a way to understand.
I just want to understand.
Then maybe I can sleep.
Maybe I'll be okay.
Maybe I'll be able to clear my head enough to evade constantly thinking of you.
I barely eat.
I barely sleep.
I'm to preoccupied in missing you.
I just want to learn how not to miss you.
I just want to learn how to sleep.

Do you remember when...

I called you cute, and you growled at me and punched my gut gently?
Do you remember when...
I said you were the most beautiful on this earth and you looked down cheeks burning bright red calling me an idiot?
Do you remember when...
I said I loved you and you opened your eyes in surprise and pouted at me embarrassed mumbling you loved me too?
Do you remember when...
I said I loved your eyes and how I got lost in them and they opened wider upon hearing that for the first time?
Do you remember when...
I said you were funny and witty and you laughed at my joke?
Do you remember when...
I met you for the first time and you threw yourself into my arms crying like old friends reunited?
Do you remember when...
We first saw eachothers bodies and you kept telling me how horrible yours was but I insisted otherwise and loved you all the more?
Do you remember when...
We stayed up till 4 in the morning on skype whispering and giggling away, then got up a few hours later and did it all again?
Do you remember when...
I said I would be there for you always and would do whatever I could, you came to me in tears and I wiped them from your face?
Do you remember when...
You were having a nightmare so I wrapped myself around you and held you close and everything went away?
Do you remember when...
I said I loved you more than anyone or anything? I meant it

Do you remember these?
I remember each and everyone like it was playing out in front of me
I am forgetful of everything but I never forget the things that hold the most meaning to me
You  hold the most meaning to me, so tell me...
Do you remember when...?

Once Upon A Time...
What now feels like life times ago,
I met this boy.
We fell inlove.
And like so many love stories...
It took the wrong turn.
We crashed and we were destroyed.
Before the crash you were my bestfriend.
Now you're unrecognizable to me.
I will always be inlove with the boy you once were.
The greatest bestfriend of my life.
But this creature you have become...
I have no desire for.
Though apart of me will unfortunately always love him.
Simply because he use to be you.
Though inlove with him...
That I will never be.