i am forever grateful i met you in this
universe.
however i still wish things were different.
i wish i could be someone different,
i wish i could be the thing that brings
a smile to your face
but not in way most people think i mean.
i wish i could be the ideal person for
your universe
even if i was, would you take that chance?
if i change everything about myself
would you take that chance?
i dream almost every night of that
different universe
where you and i live together
in a house, with our cat and dog
maybe we’re different, maybe we switched
places
maybe we even learn new things about ourselves that we never knew
our lives would be full of “maybes”
however that is not our life that we live.
our universe isn’t my ideal one
but i’ve accepted that.

i sit here, waiting
waiting for the right words
to come to mind.
what could i even say?
you’re gone.
not the dead kind of gone of course,
the gone that makes me never contact you
the kind of gone that
makes it hard to look in your direction
i never truly expected you to be out of my life
well, not like this at least.
you were the one person i trusted
with my whole heart too, you basically had it in your hands.
now that it’s over however; i see
every red flag that was hidden from my eyes
i was blinded, but this time not by love
this time is so very different.
you were my friend, the one i trusted
the most.
now, every memory is fading away slowly.
i doubt you think of me
but i will always remember you.

when knowing me,
you will hear things.
“what kind of things?” you may ask
i’m afraid to tell you, i respond
for if i tell you,
i’m afraid you’ll believe them
“are they true? the things that are said?”
i don’t believe so, no.
i try to block out what could be taken as
an insult by them.
“who is .. them?”
why, you know them, everyone does of course.
they’re funny in that way.
they’re a follower of christ
of course they’re good people. why wouldn’t they be?
if god sees them as good, that must mean they are.
“i don’t think that’s true”
it doesn’t matter what you think.
the term good people,
is created to comfort those who aren’t.
i get talked about, even if nothing was done wrong
but of course, in their eyes, i was wrong
wrong for living? maybe
maybe even wrong for not giving the
attention they wanted
but even then, they follow god, our god
if they confess their lies and unfaithfulness
to the man above
why does it matter how i feel?
it doesn’t
it never will.

i yearn for the sweet release.
it sounds fake or quirky, i know
hell, i even make it a part of my humor,
but deep down,
really deep down,
i can’t escape it.
the feeling of waking up,
moving along with the day;
i cannot live
wishing i was dead
therefore i think this is it.
my final curtain.
my friends
my family
were never to blame
in fact, i’d say they made it
a little more entertaining. life that is.
however, when talking about
“death” you get the same speech
“you’re young, you’ll never understand”
“you don’t understand true sadness”
they never truly see your side
you could have felt these feelings
since forever
but no one truly understands
nor do they care.
you have to go through with it right?
no one can save you now.
no one will be your light
unless you pull back the curtain.
pull it back and let the stage lights shine through
for when you finally see your audience
the people who love
you will finally feel that bit of
peace
even if it takes a while
you will find your peace
and i will find mine

i am forever scared to fall asleep.
for what if i dream of you?
my mind fills with our old memories
“what ifs” fill my head
what IF things were different
what IF you had changed
what IF i had stopped caring
i can’t sleep for what if i never dream of you
i am horrified with that thought, with the
old memories that fill those dreams,
i lie awake hoping that
it is reality I’m dreaming of