It hurts knowing the person you thought was your friend
never wanted to be your friend
showing up at your locker every day to say "hey"
passing notes
listening
picking on each other
motivating each other
I thought he was my friend
he only did those things because he expected more
he didn't want to be my friend
he wanted to be my boyfriend
yet he knew I wasn't looking for anything
and now he's gone
because when he popped the question
I said....no
I'm not hurt because of what he was trying to do
I am hurt that the fact he did those things
and yet I thought he was doing those things
because he was my friend

Its easy for people to fall in love with me
but its hard for them to hold on
to stay...

How can you love someone like me
Can you show me how you do it
So we can both be on the same page

I wish you were the mother I needed

But don't worry

I'm going to be the mother I needed
for my children

Today is the day that we officially..... broke up
It just doesn't feel ..real?
I cried my eyes out ...more than a water fall can cry
then the pain stopped because I'm in a stage of disbelief
But its going to hit in the morning for sure
I'm not going to lie
I had doubts , yes I did
but it was only because I was scared...
scared of someone actually loving me
I just didn't want that to all go away
I feel nothing right now...is that bad?
But he's the one who left , technically
he didn't say it to me but I read it between the lines of his messages
I know he wanted to...he was afraid to be in the category I have for the boys that are considered like everyone else
Its sad to let go the hand of your other half
and watch him disappear in the past behind you
He questioned my love for him and I did to
But last night was the night I realized that I love him more than I thought I did
I guess you really don't know how much you truly love something until its gone
I also realized how much I took him for granted
While I was taking a shower I just let the memories of us drown me
like the time he kissed all of my insecurities
or when we both celebrated together on how I'm going to get myself together
and the first time he slept over
and the first time....he came over my house because ...I said I was crying
and that was the day....we started
I guess I didn't really understood how much he loved me until I took that gloomy and lonely shower
I never felt alone when I was with him
I felt like thats all I really needed to be honest
But I ******* up my fairy tale once again.
Your probably wondering why am I writing on here when I just got dumped
but its because I don't know how to express my feelings.....and writing is the way I could...writing helped me for most of the parts of my life
But I guess Im writing to say......love your partner as they come and just love.
I also want to be raw with you to show you not every relationship is perfect and this is not the end...

As she hides behind a mask
with pain and fear
She makes sure to keep it unkown
So no one comes near
Shes been fighting years after years
And shedding more tears
never in front of nobody
she will take off her clothes
Because her story would be told
You would look at her and you would never know
That shes the type of girl
That wants to go
But beneath her skin is someone you would want to know
you won't get that far because how the world made her
her heart is so cold
she doesn't want you to be affected
on what she's going through
so she will cover up all the information and clues
and she will comfort you with lies
If you really want to help her
and know her story
just look into her eyes

Our relationship was a beautiful corruption

I'm sorry its really hard
I'm sorry that its hard for me to  love you
I never been in love
all I gave was love
and all they did was take it away from me
and left

she loves him
but shes going insane
trying to drive the sin away
while the temptation is trying to slither into her mind
and ruin her relationship
as she shakes and peals her skin of her fingers with her nail
knowing nobody can here her silent cries
shes on the edge of temptation
shes loves him with all of her heart and soul
but knowing that sin lingers in this world
shes trying to build a  brick wall around her trust
but knowing temptation slithers through the cracks of the wall
to inject the sins into her heart
to poison it with temptation
as she tries to fight them off
the poison makes her weaker and weaker everyday
while her wall is starting to collapse
she starts to cry while she cant push the sin off her
but sin makes her feel relief, safe and loved
as shes falls for the sins scheme
and runs away with sin
knowing she left behind her heart and soul  
her mind runs away with temptation
her lover watches her escape with  tears rolling down his eyes
knowing he felt like he wasn't good enough because
this wouldn't have happened if only he filled in her brick wall with more cement

"You can't love someone until you love yourself"

Before I thought this statement wasn't true but only because I was in love
and what that relationship made me realize is that this statement is so true.

you can't love someone until you love yourself because if you don't love yourself and get into a relationship you are going to rely on their love and convince yourself that you love yourself to because you love them and they love you. But if they were to leave you are going to fall apart because you relied on them for self love and happiness.
That's why before you get into any relationship you need to know your worth.

I hate the fact that I can be living my best life
and still you cross my mind time to time
I know its getting worse because its to the point that
everything reminds me of you

Don't mix up my kindness for mix signals

I'm sorry you had to watch me
fall in love with someone else
I know what it feels like
because I watched my lover
Fall in love with someone else
But my lover didn't have it any better
He watched the love of his life
Move on and fall in love with another man
Because he found someone else and fell in love with them
And his previous girlfriend fell in love too
Just not with him

But I dont understand why there is more falling and less loving

You are the guy in my dreams
Every time I came home I loved to fall asleep
Because that meant seeing you
Every time I woke up felt like a nightmare
I wish you were in my world
But as long as the ladders of thoughts are there
I can climb up to your world to see you

I don't want to go
I hate saying goodbye

But as long as I am here
I know you will be here for me
and love me
and never let me fall

I wish you were real....

But you are in my dreams
Some times dreams come true

I hope mine does

One day I fell asleep
and you weren't there

I panicked and woke up

After school I kept looking for you in my dreams
Sitting on the bench waiting for you
But one day you just never came back

I just gave up

Next morning
Waiting for my mom to pick me up
Sitting on the bench
Just like in my dreams

Buried  my face into my knees
trying to connect to the other world
To see if I can see you again

But instead I cried

Until someone tapped me
I looked up fast scared

I couldn't believe what I seen

It was you...
The boy in my dreams

This felt like a dream
I thought I was in his world
But I wasn't
I was in my world

He left his world just for me..

I guess some dreams do come true

I need the pain to go away
No drugs and self harm can take it away
No medication numbs it
I didn't know what would calm my mind
Or slow my heartbeat
Once I started thinking about my death
I started to get addicted to the thought
I started to get high off the ways I could die
The feeling of relief knowing it could be over feels good
Overdosing myself with my suicide thoughts
Going in and out of consciousness
To the point I can’t tell from reality between my imagination
It feels too good to be true
This is why I love to sleep
It feels like I’m dead
Dreaming of what I want to come true
Wishing to stay asleep
Suicides thoughts are my drugs...I need it to keep me standing
But I dont want to be an addict
Probably one day I wouldn’t need to worry about waking up
Maybe my dream will come true
Maybe...my dream will be my reality

You have more of a reason to have my love
More then I do

Things started to get easier the moment I decided I wasn't going to settle for average.

Even if I move on
I can never stop loving you
I can never forget you
Even if I'm with someone else in the future
you will be in the back of my mind
but locked up in a box titled "happy memories"
Which they should be called "lost memories"
Even though your lost now
you still wonder in the past
and sometimes I cant help to take a step back
Because it brings me satisfaction just thinking about you
Even though they always tell me to move forward
but sometimes I can't help it
Even though I'm single now my heart is still taken by you
I can be with someone else
But I would still be loving you

They destroyed me
I never knew why
But why me ?
Its been going on for so long
So I just got use to it
I welcomed myself home
To this destruction

They continued to tear me down
They beat the mindset of deserving it into me
So I thought there was something wrong with me

If they hurt me
]Why shouldn't I hurt myself
If nobody loves me
I shouldn't love myself

The darkness was my home
Throwing up was my sister
Negativity was my brother
Depression were my parents
The blade was my best friend
They were always there for me
People knew they were there for me
because it left its bandages on my body

People usually ask me
"why or did it hurt or what even brought you to that point?"

I just shrug my shoulders and said " I'm numb to pain, I'm numb to hurt. Its all I've ever been use to. When you've been hurt for so long....nothing hurts you"

He puts his hand gently on my back and slowly guides me to him
Holds me in his arms, my chest against his
So close that I can't tell my heart beat from his
Looking into his eyes big blue eyes
I ask him " do you love me?"
He puts my hand gently on his chest and his heart beat said it all

would I make it ?
does he like me ?
would I be successful?
will I make through high school?
why don't they like me ?
why are they looking at me ?
what grade did I get on all my subjects ?
is my family proud of me ?
probably not
will I go to college?
maybe if I don't pass the exam?
why are people so mean?
how can I solve this problem ?
what do I want to be when I get older?
maybe a ..vet...or a construction worker....or maybe a psychologist
am I good enough?
why does god let these things happen?
why do I feel so worthless?
why am I constantly thinking?
why cant I rest ?
why am I thinking about constantly thinking
I cant help to think
because that's all I do
I think about everything
and I don't know why
my mind overflows with questions, thoughts, what ifs and more  
I over think a lot
my mind is overwhelming to the point my brain might collapse or dysfunction
I cant help to think about when will this be over
.....im over thinking to much

Don't do things because of others
Stop trying to "prove" to them you will be great
Its going to backfire
How about you start doing things
for you
let "you" be the reason not others
Start to prove to yourself
And watch things change

Is this the way you want to die?

Wishing you can do something about it
but you cant
its your pain
but in someone else's hands
slipping through
waiting for the answer
to see if everything is ok
looking on the other side of the room
not able to move or do anything ,but watch
just there waiting
for the news
it ***** knowing your not in control
of something that is having to do with you
something that hurts
but someone else is carrying
the thing you want to fix
but you cant trespass the cation lines
just wait on the other side

You are so beautiful
you are one of a kind
I cant help from noticing you
and staring into your eyes
your silky brown hair that flows down to your back
or the freckles on your face that lights up Gods place
and don't forget that beautiful smile
that you try to keep in a straight line
but you cant
because you love to laugh and smile
one phrase you like to say is " I'm fine "
I wish you were here
but your just an imaged that I made up in my mind

Love is a drug
But even addicts can get better

As he reminds me of everything I did wrong
breaks me little by little
slowly and painfully
the words slicing my heart like a knife
I already have enough scars as it is
I don't need to be reminded
I already know
I can't help it
I wish I wasn't like this but this is who I am
I am DIFFICULT

you know who he reminds me of....
he reminds me of my ex
he use to point of everything I did wrong

and you know what they both remind me of

they remind me of how difficult relationships can really be
and that I can deserve someone better

crying alone in the dark
looking at my body with so many marks
stroking my scars that people made
wishing they can all fade away
I get out from my corner
look in the mirror and see myself
grab the box off the shelf
take my friend out that brings me joy
slide the blade across my wrist
hearing the sounds of the devils hiss
crying with so much pain
while blood is pouring down like rain
I feel myself slowly drained
look up at the ceiling
praying to god to give me healing
this is sad that I have these feelings
I just want to be happy
I didn't choose to feel this way
this is because of all the pain
with laughter and remarks
all these cold hearts
hug myself with my ****** arms
take away this self harm
someday this suffering will come to end
and I'll hopefully go to heaven

She was the girl that loved to draw at night
All her drawings were out of sight
She was most artistic at night in the bathroom
The more she drew, the less space she had, it was going to run out very soon
She kept a secret that no one knew
Not telling anyone, her work grew
Her drawings were like no other, no paper or pen
Shes been drawing since she was ten
Before her friend can leave, he asked if she was ok
That's when she broke down and told him to stay
They sat on the bridge watching the passing cars
She rolled up her sleeves and showed him her scars
regretting her decision, crying not knowing what to say or do
Then he rolled up his sleeves and whispered "Its ok..I draw too"

She was young when she committed
Her friends yell her name
but its like shes not there
shes gone
her mind committed suicide a long time ago
its going insane now

So whats the point of living
when your not there
her heart is already on the edge of giving up
with all the blows that it took

its like living without an soul
its just a body
not really a corpse
because she is still breathing

but shes not alive either

I'm sorry I'm not the girl you wanted me to be anymore
I left her behind , shes lost in the past
Shes not who I am anymore
The girl you want me to be is just a memory

I told her
" I don't want to lose you, I don't want you to die "
But before I can say anything else she yelled
" you already lost me along time ago, I'm just a walking body

that one guy I saw that afternoon
he looked strangely odd
I didn't even bother to introduce myself
but surprisingly he came to me
that first glance
I knew he was the one
not noticing his silver tongue
I fell in love
I gave him everything
I was their for him
I supported him
I loved him
the only thing he had was his silver tongue
he only had his compliments which didn't bother
but he hasn't showed it with action
that day he went to work
I haven't seen him ever since
I only remember the foot steps he left on the muddy ground
so that afternoon I went to the same place to see if he will come back
but he never did
I guess I never loved him
I fell in love with his silver tongue

As crazy as it sounds, its true
It hurts to say or think this
but at this point
I can slowly see you better off with someone else
that isn't me
and the sad thing is
its starting not to bother me anymore

Even with all this air in the world
Its still hard to breathe

Give me your all
put your past in my hands
and watch me heal it
and make you look forward
for your future
you don't need to worry anymore
I will set you free
I will turn your cocoon into a butterfly
don't be afraid to show me
who you really are
give me your all
your heart
love
past
present
give me your future
and I'll give my all right back
I promise
but it won't come all together
because of everything bad
that has happened to me
so be prepared
to have my all in
pieces

Thank you for believing in me
Now its my turn to believe in myself