A thin layer of dust
Has fallen over me.

Draped itself
Over the pathways in my brain,
Coated every toe,
Every pore,
Every inch of me.

I’ve put myself
Up on the shelf,
Closed a cupboard
Door
Over my individuality.

I’m just trying to survive right now.

It baffles me
That there are people in this world
Who just
Do
Things.
Just do things,
And only question if they want to,
Not agonize
Over whether or not
It’s the right thing,
If the action’s
Equal opposite reaction
Will destroy some aspect
Of themself,
Or others.

I question
Every moment
Whether I’m wrong,
If I’m hurting something.

It makes me afraid to move.

So I let dust collect
Over myself,
Perfectly good joints
Rust solid,
Eyes glaze over,
Body fossilizes.
Because that’s
So much easier,
Than picking myself apart,
Trying to be perfect.

It’s so much easier
To be nothing
Instead of
An impossible
Perfect something.

I think about death now,
Not in the scary way.

Not in the burning rage
Of hating myself
And my life.

But in the quiet loneliness,
The silent solitude.
It doesn’t burn,
It soothes.

Death feels like some magical
Place
I could escape to.

You know when you’re trying
To spread frozen butter
On a piece of bread
And it keeps ripping
At the slice?
It’s silly,
But that’s how I feel
About everything.

Death isn’t a scary
Last resort to me
Anymore,
It’s a comforting
“Just in case.”

I can’t stand to be forgotten,
But I don’t want the responsibility of existing.
Maybe I would prefer
That the world
Would just disappear.

Take a spoonful of expectation
And stir it into your coffee.

Let the steam encircle your face,
Leak into your ears
And up your nose.
Let the promise of the future you want
Poison your today
And your tomorrow.

Hopes are just pieces of paper
In a furnace,
And goals are ants
Under a spyglass.

I’m trying to cope.
I’m trying to move forward,
It isn’t working.

Run my fingers
Down my own body,
Find the peace of my own company

I’m all alone.

I’m all alone,
But my salt lamp is glowing a pink lowlight,
And my sheets are fresh and soft.

I’ve trained myself
Not to miss anyone too much,
To keep my mind busy
With responsibility
And various fancy,
And to care for my body
With my own soft hand,
To not need a man,
Or a woman,
Not anyone.

I’ve learned how to live
In the lowlight
Of my bedroom
On my own,
To romance myself,
To tuck myself in,
To keep a pillow
Laying beside me
To hide the need
For a second body
While I sleep.

Technology is amazing,
It can make us forget
How sad we are
With artificially induced
*******.
Human touch
Is no longer necessary,
There’s a hundred different ways
To mimic it.

As long as I stay distracted.

As long as I keep going...

I won’t miss him.

I won’t think about
Not feeling like enough,
Or being too much.

I can find peace
Between my own legs.
I can hold myself.