I am done being used

I really don't like
feeling like I'm about to throw up
when people are mad at me.
And I really don't like
feeling like I'm going to die
when I think for a split second that
someone will leave me.
I am so codependent,
that every dream I have,
I am with someone or in a crowd.
And my worst fear is
waking up
to an otherwise empty world.
I live for others.
Helping, loving, appreciating them.
And that is not okay for me.
Because nobody
can love as much as I do.
I was 7 years old when my mother told me that
loving everyone is a blessing and a curse,
and said that it's best I didn't
tell that girl I loved her
when she scraped her knee.
I have been feeling the affects
of this blessing/curse
my whole life.
And still,
all I want
is for someone to
at least
let me love them
like they should be loved
like I should be loved.

Star Gazer born and bred under the little specks of light in the night.
Saw gloom part ways with doom through divorce and hatred,
Kept true to name and kept constellations as sacred.
Star Gazer wasn't dumb, wasn't smart, wasn't dark nor bright,
But kept up his shoulders and with each step taken, a fight.

That's what people say about me however,
I am different to what others perceive me as.

I have been and still try to , write my feelings out,
Keep my mind away from clouds of dust and clouds of doubt,
When I first started to write anything at all, I-
Drowned a paper and smothered it within the oceans
Of what I would slowly realise are my emotions.

Kicked puppy me.
Mad, mad him.
Don't understand, misunderstand.
No yell, just mad.
I say sorry.
I say why.
Still mad.
Why?
Tears.
Still mad.
Why?
He send me away.
I sit.
Sit here me.
Sit here sad.
Cry me.
Why?