I set a timer for five minutes
Five times
And finally cleaned my room
Seeing the floor for the first time
Since December.
I woke up on time this morning
And I made my bed
For the first time in years.
I ate breakfast
I looked nice
I respected myself.
It isn't much,
But it's a start
And I'm actually getting better

So many cold eyes stare into empty spaces
The waiting room feels crowded with the five of us in this too big space
I hear my name called and am handed a jar
Off to the bathroom I am escorted
The nerves are escalating as I urinate
Into the cold metal door goes my name among others
I can't breathe
He holds my hand and gets me water, saying everything will be fine
But I was turned away last week
They had told me my appointment never finalized in scheduling
I know with certainty this is really happening though
The receptionist with the sad mouth calls me to her window
Is there a different insurance I can try? Do I have the money?
At least the insurance that was supposed to be cancelled is still active
I don't want this money burning my wallet and freezing my heart
He isn't allowed to come back with me
Are you sure, they ask me far too many times
I just want this to be over with
I want to cry
Are you being forced by anyone
Only myself and my promises
I'm scared
I'm sad
They finally let him come back to me
And lay me upon the cold papered examination bed
They force my legs apart and insert their probe
Do you want to see?
Of course I don't but how can I not
In black and white before me is my last eight weeks
Sweaty apple juice is placed in my weak hands
I look so brave in this sterile place
Am I being judged by these people
I'm just too young right now
We have no money
Take these twenty-four hours apart
More prescriptions and pills are passed along to me
I'm barely eighteen and graduated

Days later it feels like there is cotton in my mouth
The medication expands like gauze
I can't feel my tongue or the air around me
It's not too bad after it's dissolved though
Then an hour passes and I can feel the life being taken from me
My whole body convulses
I can't stop the tears
He can't stop the pain
Especially not the emotional kind
He couldn't possibly understand
I've known longer than him
Built a bond that is only meant to be broken
He kisses my stomach like I can't
There's so much blood
I suppose it's time to take all the pain and nausea medications
What makes it worse is that I know I'll be sad for some time
But we agreed to never tell anyone about this happening
We're ashamed we chose this route
But there would have been no chance at survival regardless

Months later I'm still crying
I mourn the intentional loss of my would-have-been love
Though the decision was necessary I can't help but wonder
And I see all these announcements on media
I put on my happy face for them
But I feel robbed
Embarrassed
Sad
The painkiller bottles still aren't empty and serve only as a reminder
Of the two lines we threw away
So that the soul could have a better chance

I know I hurt you in the past with some things that I said and some behaviors I've had. I know you hate the person I've chosen to be with for the rest of time and I know the feeling is mutual. I know I hurt your heart with my ignorance and childish selfishness. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry and I miss you. I wish we could be friends again. I tried to tell you happy birthday. And when he proposed I still wanted to tell you first. I want you to be part of all the big moments but I know how unlikely that is now. It's the reality I live in but I don't want to accept it. I'm sorry for behaving so recklessly and emotionally. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to watch as I threw myself back into terrible black holes. But I'm in a much better place now. We've all grown up. I'm sorry I was so despicable. I'm thankful though that you loved me through it all. I miss you. And I love you. But most importantly, I'm sorry Bailey. I hope you can forgive me.

If only there were an address I knew for you

I know it's your favorite scent
Sometimes, especially lately, it's hard not to think about you
I want to reach out but I don't know how
And I'm scared you'll just push me away because I've chosen him
But people really do change as they grow up
I want to tell you all about my days all the time
Like two days ago when my brakes stopped working
As I was going downhill in the harbor
Oh I was so scared and I wanted to tell you
Or when I had my magical day at Rainier
But I know you'd be disappointed
I want to tell you the small things to
Like how I burnt the bacon and undercooked my pasta tonight
Or how I can't decide if I love pink or orange more
Or even how much I love that new CD
And crave hot cocoa all the time
I just miss your company but can't figure out how to tell you
And I wish I could be your dryer lint and cigarette ash again

You are eleven now
almost twelve
almost a teenager
that incredibly bewildering part
  of your life
where you’re not quite a kid anymore
yet you’re not an adult yet either

the world is going
to start asking more from you
maybe too much at times
maybe not enough at others
maybe a little too soon
maybe not soon enough

some kids your age feel like
they are dying to leave
their childhoods behind them
to cut the umbilical cord
to their adolescence

that urge to rush into the adult world
they feel restless in their youth
they feel power growing in their voice
but they feel unheard when they use it

and it seems unfair
this mixed signal
of start acting like an adult
but not being trusted
to be responsible as an adult

this time frame of
act your age
but don’t act your age anymore
be more mature
but “WOOOOO”
not too mature

and yea its not fair
not really
and that’s where life is headed now
your life is slowly treading
into the waters of unfair
you’ll be swimming
and sinking
and drowning
not being able to distinguish
between what is fair
and what isn’t fair

life will always be hitting
and crashing into you
in waves of what fells like
bad luck
day after day
while only seeming to drizzle
good luck outside
on days you are trapped inside

I hope you will learn this though
that you will see it sooner than most
that luck is just luck
good and bad are just different
perspectives to the same story

that life isn’t fair or unfair
it’s just life
it’s a journey
good things will happen
tragedies will occur

love

will be the most beautiful thing
you get to hold
and also be the most painful thing
you will have to endure

cherish the beauty
and breathe through the pain
it won’t always feel like
it’s going to be worth it

but it is

always just breathe through it

inhale

exhale

one more day

listen to your heart
hear the sound it makes
that is your music
the baseline to the soundtrack of your life
and its always playing a new song
hold onto it
never let it get old

there is no stopping time
you will become an adult
both in body and mind
as you age into it
grow into it
as you figure out whatever it is
that you will one day
define as being an adult

it’s your life
and your life alone
don’t let anyone else
give you a definition that doesn’t fit

and if you ever have trouble
finding the words
if you have days where
you cant quite remember who you are
or how to define yourself

thats ok

it happens
we get lost
we wander
its part of the journey
its part of life

just remember

inhale

exhale

and listen to your heart
listen to your song
thats you

and no matter who you become
with each new day
each new song
no matter how many changes
of costumes
of character
whatever role you end up playing

I will be watching
I will be cheering  
I will be loving you